So another year has slipped by since my last post on this blog. It's crazy how much has happened since then. Obviously, the most exciting and important development has been my son, Judah. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Becoming a mom--becoming his mom--has been such a challenging, rewarding, growing, frustrating, stretching, freeing, wonderful experience. I just love him to bits. There are pictures splattered here and there on my other blog if you want to take a peek.
Being a mom has saved me from such a huge majority of my existential despair surrounding what I want to be what I grow up. I'm a mom. And that is a wonderful thing. And for the moment, that is enough. I thoroughly enjoy taking care of Judah and knowing every moment of the day what I should be doing in order to accomplish that high goal. I don't have to worry about "Where is my life going?" "What did I do wrong to stray so far from the right path?" "How am I ever going to get back on the right path?" Blah blah blah. Now, my life is the path, and I am living it. Finally.
I'm reading a book right now entitled Live Your Calling: A Practical Guide to Finding and Fulfilling Your Mission in Life. I highly recommend it. It has all sorts of evaluations and advice and general goodness. If you're floundering at all on the subject of purpose, I strongly encourage you to read it.
Now maybe you're thinking, "I thought you were all satisfied being a mom. What's with the self help book?" Well, I am satisfied being a mom. But at the moment, I am back working as a secretary covering my last job's replacement's maternity leave. And now you're thinking, "Are you crazy?!? You were miserable in that job." And yes. I was. But this is temporary and part-time, and I felt like God was telling me to do it. So there you have it. Being back at this job has reminded me of the dormant but still very much real desire to do something. Not that being a mom isn't doing something. Because like I said, I am so satisfied and content with life right now. (It's unfamiliar territory in my realm of adulthood.) But there is this distant spot of darkness when Judah (and whatever other littles come along) are in school, and I will be left to do who knows what. So I am reading this book.
Somewhere in the first chapter, it quotes Ephesians 2:10, which reads, "For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Do you know what that means?!? It means that God made me with particular good works in mind. He had it all planned out from the beginning what I would do with my life, and that plan takes into account who He made me to be. That means that I have not irreversibly, irrevocably, irredeemably screwed up my life plan!! I'm walking in it!! So that is very good news. I often think about how I chose the wrong major in college and every vocational decision since then has lead me down a path of miserable wrongness. But that's a lie. And I can claim the truth now that God will lead me where He wants me to go. And I have a whole lot of life in front of me in which to do the good work that He has planned. Huzzah!
So I've still been thinking that I'd like to go back to school. But I didn't really know for what. It just seemed like I probably needed a little more education in order to pursue a vocation that I would find satisfying. And the other day, it came to me. It was like a volcano. The magma warming just below the surface...the smoke rising...a slow rumbling in the ground...and all of a sudden...BOOM! Just like that, the bright warmth of an idea erupted into a decision. And the decision is this:
I am going to art school.
I don't know why it took me so long to consider this as an option. Ask me at any point in my life what the three most important things were, and I would have said, "worship, love, and creativity." Obviously. I have always wanted to create. And I desperately want to be an artist. In some form or another. I'm sure it's who I already am...in my magma. But I want to learn the skills that send my artistic lava flowing freely all over my little world. I could go back to school for spiritual formation, but I know the books I'd have to read, the disciplines I would have to master, the resources I would have to consult. I have competence enough there that I could do it all more or less independently. But to be an artist--a real artist--there are skills I just cannot teach myself, materials and tools I don't have access to, critique I cannot offer myself. And I want it. I want it all. I want creativity to be the atmosphere I breathe. I want to call myself an artist and really believe it.
So there you have it. Satisfaction and contentment just in time for a new vision. But I think this was the perfect time for me to have this little eruption. In Live Your Calling, the author talks about how your primary calling is to be in relationship with God. And then you have secondary callings including life roles like daughter, mother, sister, friend. And then your vocation is only a subset of those secondary callings. And to hear that was so giddily freeing. To know that I have most of my life figured out, that things like vocation and location are only contexts in which to live out my primary calling and my lifelong roles...it was like laboring and struggling to push open a door only to realize that I had to pull it open instead, and with just a simple reversal in my approach, it swings easily open on its hinges. And now all I have to do, it walk through.
My next steps at the moment are to finish up working at my old job, which will be completed in the middle of March, just in time for me to have a week or two of prep and making for Judah's first birthday. And then, I'm going to look into what I need to do to put together a portfolio and start a class or two on a very part-time basis. And then...well, we'll see when I get there.
So all that is very exciting to me, and that's where my little heart has been in the recent days. I don't know if I will be updating this blog more regularly or if it will continue to be my annual cardiological check-up. But either way, thanks for checking up with me.
1.28.2012
1.28.2011
Where God Is Smiling
On this, the one year anniversary of my last post on this blog, I decided that it was time for a little update...
Back in July, I quit my (hopefully) last secretary job ever. I wasn't sure how long my break from the working world would be, but Jason and I decided that we would look at this time as a new season whose duration was unknown rather than a little break between jobs that crush my soul. In order to make this work, Jason took a few extra jobs on campus (totaling about 30 hours a week in addition to his 25 hours a week as a youth pastor and being a full time student and full time super husband). We also moved into a one bedroom apartment.
I decided that I wanted this time to be productive. So I designed a little schedule for myself including exactly what I wanted my days to look like:
7:50 Rise and Shine
8:00 Devotions
8:30 Breakfast
9:00 Quick Apartment Clean-up
9:30 Music Hour (playing guitar, singing, writing, recording, learn new instruments)
10:30 Non-Fiction Reading (spiritual formation, books about art and culture)
11:30 Just for Fun Reading (fiction and blogs)
12:30 Lunch
1:30 Time for Creating
4:00 Write on my Blog
5:00 Make Dinner
6:00 Eat Dinner
Rest of the Night: Free Time, Hang out with Jason, Small Groups, etc.
My schedule was loosely based on a day at Delanco Camp, because that is where I've always felt closest to God and consequently where I've always felt like the best version of myself. I wanted to plan my days to rediscover this "best me" that I've felt so isolated from the past few years. I wanted to rediscover my passions, my gifts, my identity, and to discern what God had for me in the next stage of life once Jason graduates from seminary. I arranged my days with all of my favorite things, hoping that in doing everything I loved, I would be able to see what area God was smiling over and therefore be able to know what direction I should pursue (music, crafting, further schooling, writing, etc.).
Somewhere in the midst of all this planning, Jason and I talked about wanting to have children and that maybe now would be a good time to do that. I don't really know this happened, but those conversations always occured in isolation from the rest of our planning (moving into a smaller apartment, me quitting my job, all of these things I wanted to do to reclaim my identity, all of the extra work Jason was taking on, etc.). It seems like having a baby was just this whole other realm of discussion because we didn't take any of those other things into account when talking about what it would mean for me to be pregnant.
But then I did get pregnant. And suddenly, my entire existence became all about supporting the little life growing inside of me. I spent my first 20 weeks of pregnancy lying on my bathroom floor trying to figure out what to eat next in order to keep the nausea at bay. Jason spent those long weeks (in addition to all of the extra work and school stuff) taking care of me and doing all of the house work. I have no idea how he kept his head above water. In addition to the fact that he is simply amazing, I think it has something to do with the fact that doing a ton of extra work and caring for a physically needy wife was still a much lighter burden than having a miserable wife who he couldn't do anything to help.
I've made it past (what I hope to be) the worst of the pregnancy sickness. I am now 7 months into pregnancy. I'm also 7 months into voluntary unemployment. And for all of my planning and scheming and designing my perfect schedule, I have not followed that schedule one single day in those seven months...
I was reflecting about this in spiritual direction. I said how I felt content and connected to God, but that I also felt like I hadn't used this time as well as I could have because I hadn't stuck to my plan. I hadn't done anything I wanted to do or discovered anything I anticipated discovering. I had no clearer sense about God's direction for my life or who He wanted me to be. I had made no progress in my skills as a crafter or my development as a songwriter and artist or my academic and intellectual desires.
Now I could make all sorts of excuses about how I haven't been physically up to doing my schedule, about how I want to do devotions when I wake up but if I don't eat something first I feel sick, about how I don't have a good space to be creative, about how difficult it is for me to ignore Jason's presence and just pursue my own plans for the day...
But here is the reality: If I really wanted to follow my schedule, if I really wanted to do all of those things that I claim to love and value so much, if those things really were so central to my identity, I would figure out a way to make it work. It wouldn't matter how I felt or what kind of space I was living in or what Jason's plans were. The fact of the matter is that we make time for the things that are actually important to us.
So my spiritual director asked me, "If that's true, what has this time actually looked like for you? Despite not sticking to your schedule, where has God been smiling in your life?"
And looking back over these past 7 months, here are the things that I have discovered:
1) For all of my complaining about wanting to pursue my passions and being thwarted by stupid jobs over the past three years, what I really needed and most deeply desired was rest. Time to regain a handle on a reality that included a loving God who is on my side and has good plans for me, time to rest without expectations of myself that were impossible to meet, time to recover physically from a honeymoon that nearly killed me and a lifestyle that tried to finish me off. I just wanted to rest. And I've done a lot of that. Nearly guilt-free, which is pretty miraculous. That rest has made me a much more sane and loving person than I was before. And even if that's all it has accomplished, I think that's worth it.
2) I have the most amazing and caring and supportive husband in the whole wide world. This is something I didn't know before. When I was working, things were difficult between Jason and me. I resented him for getting to pursue his passions while I slaved away at jobs that I hated. I felt used and betrayed and forgotten. I still loved him, and I knew he loved me. But it was hard. Over the past seven months, I've rediscovered what it's like to be loved unconditionally, to be taken care of, to be valued just for who I am without any expectations. And that has been more life-giving than I can communicate. Now Jason and I pray together and read the Bible together and have actual real conversations like we used to when we were dating. We spend substantive time together really enjoying each other's company. And I can say now that I don't only love my husband...I really like him, and I really like being married to him.
3) I have a deep need for community. This is something I knew about myself. I knew it was lacking from my prior life. And my mom even warned me when I shared my perfect little schedule with her that it was lacking time with other people. And despite feeling sick and not being very proactive, I have spent a lot time deepening relationships and forming new relationships over the past 7 months. I've gotten to spend time with some really wonderful women who live in my building. It's been so life-giving to have peers again, to be able to talk about things like marriage and kids and work and life goals with women who also have husbands in seminary and who are also terrified of what that means for their future lives. For the first time since getting married, I have a community of friends who don't live forever away, people I can run into accidentally and have a conversation with and see face to face on a regular basis and actually know what's going on in their lives. I didn't realize how much I missed this until I had it again, and it's been like taking that first breath after you realize you've been holding your breath for no good reason.
4) Despite not sticking to my schedule, I have actually made a lot over the past seven months. I've finished some overdue projects and presents. I've learned a few new skills. I've followed through on a few really good ideas. And I've started new projects that I'm really excited about. I haven't started up my etsy store or done any of my own shows or figured out my brand or kept up with my crafting blog or made any sort of big business decisions. But I have continued to create. And that is exciting to me. Because I feel like that says that whatever else is going on, creating is something that is important to me and that I will make time for, even if it isn't as structured or deeply existential as I would like it to be.
So here's pay off one: I don't feel like I'm any closer to discovering a life path or even a direction. But the reality is that what's coming next is this: I'm going to have a baby. And it's interesting that God has been smiling in my life in all sorts of places that are preparing me for that. He's restoring my physical health and giving me the rest I need to grow a baby. He's restoring my relationship with Him. He's restoring my marriage. And He's giving me gifts of community and creativity that restore some of my key values so that when this baby comes, I'll have something more to give him than simple sustenance.
And pay off number two: God can give me exactly what I need even apart from the little structures I create for Him to communicate to me. I figured that because I had failed to follow through with my plans for myself, I had missed out on discovering God's plans for me. It seems silly to say it like that. But it's like I had wanted to get everything quiet so that I could hear God and instead He wanted me to see Him. And I was seeing Him, but He was harder to recognize through my sense of sight because I was expecting Him to come another way with another message.
And for the grand finale: As soon as I came to those revelations in spiritual direction, my mind immediately jumped to this, "And then, once I see where God IS speaking to me, then I can create NEW structures that take that into account and will be more effective in aiding our communication." And then I had to tell that little voice to calm down, take a deep breath, and not miss the entire point, which is this: God will reach me how He wants to reach me. No matter how much I tweak my little life, He is going to do things that I don't expect. And seeing Him is not a matter of perfecting my world; it's a matter of knowing that it's His world.
Well, that was forever long. I figure a year of silence justifies a way-too-long-rambling post. Nevertheless, gold stars and check plusses for those who persevered to the end, and a hope that you see where God is smiling in your life, too.
1.28.2010
Light and Warmth
(Disclaimer: First of all, let me take this moment to say that I am no longer going to be writing in all lower-case letters on this blog. It's just too much of a hassle. When this was my only blog, it wasn't a big deal. But now that I have two, and I write using normal caps on the other one, I go to add an entry here, and I forget the lower case thing until I'm about halfway through, and then I go back and change everything. No longer. I'm just going to write normally from now on. There's a good chance that I'm the only one who noticed the lower case thing or who would notice a change now, but for my own piece of mind, this is an intentional change to keep me from going crazy, and I'm stating it here so that you and I will both know that I am making a conscious change rather than a mistake. There. I feel much better now. End Disclaimer.)
I can't believe I didn't post this before. I don't know why I didn't. It's an old revelation. From back in October. Maybe I thought it was just too personal. But I figure it's time to let you know about it.
This is yet another revelation stemming from my time in small group. We were studying breath prayer that week. The most commonly known breath prayer is the Jesus Prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." It is a prayer meant to be said repeatedly in rhythm with your breath so that it eventually seeps into your spirit and becomes a part of you. It's mostly used in Eastern Orthodox circles and was made famous in The Way of a Pilgrim, a spiritual classic of the Russian Orthodox tradition.
We had spent a week studying breath prayer and crafting our own prayers with the following format:
Breathe in --> a name for God and a description of God
Breathe out --> a desire and a description of myself
Shortened versions of breath prayer are just a name for God and a desire. For example, "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me," or "Breath of God, breathe on me," or "Almighty God, give me strength," etc. You get the idea.
In small group, we were given a period of silence for us to each have a conversation with God. We were to tell God what our name was and to ask what He calls us. Maybe this is a little mushy and strange, and maybe that's why I haven't shared it until now. But here is the conversation I had with God, written in a sort of poem/psalm form because that's how it felt, and "selah" seemed the best way to notate pauses that were full of the Spirit. So without further ado, my conversation with God...
He asks, "What is your name?"
I answer, "My name is Broken."
He asks, "Who broke you?"
I answer, "I think You did...
..."
And we wait.
I ask, "Is that okay to say?"
He answers, "Yes, that's okay to say."
Selah
He says, "That is not what I call you."
He asks, "May I give you a new name?"
I answer, "I would like to hear it."
Then we dance.
I breathe in, "Namer of the stars,"
I breathe out, "What do You call me?"
He breathes a name, "Beloved."
I answer, "That is not enough.
No, I am not Beloved."
I breathe in, "Namer of the stars,"
I breathe out, "What do You call me?"
He breathes a name, "Beauty."
I answer, "I understand Your meaning,
But no, I am surely not Beauty."
I breathe in, "Namer of the stars,"
I breathe out, "What do You call me?"
He breathes a name, "Depths."
I answer, "There is sadness there.
No, I am not Depths."
I breathe in, "Namer of the stars,"
I breathe out, "What do you call me?"
He breathes a name, "Light."
Selah
He continues, "You name is Light
because your Light has not gone out.
What you think you've lost
You have not lost."
Selah
I receive, "Thank You for my name.
Yes, my name is Light."
And we wait.
I ask, "What is Your name?"
He answers, "My name is Warmth."
Selah
He continues, "I am what you need
To feel safe and loved and happy."
I confirm, "Yes, that is true."
He continues, "But My name is more.
My name is a covenant with you.
Warmth will fan the flame of Light,
And I will restore your fire.
If you will absorb My Warmth,
Then you will burn brighter,
Radiating my Warmth through your Light."
Selah
I don't pretend to understand the physics of this conversation. It wasn't a "voice from heaven" sort of deal. And it wasn't me making up God's script, filling in what I expected or wanted him to say. It was more like a stirring in my heart. I would ask, and He would answer. And I knew it was Him. Without question, without striving, without conjuring. He was just there with me, speaking to me. I don't know why I feel the need to say that this is not my normal experience. I don't know why I feel compelled to disclaimer this into insignificance. The simple truth is that God gave me a gift. He gave me a name. When I felt like I was withering, He encouraged me and renewed my strength.
"A bruised reed He will not break.
And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish." -Isaiah 42:3
That weekend was my church's women's retreat at a convent in Biddeford, Maine. As I walked into out meeting room, I noticed a painting on the wall of the order's foundress, Marie Rivier.
I asked the nun in the gift shop if they had any postcards or prints of the painting, and she said she would check. On the last morning of the retreat, she gave me a postcard she had found of the picture. I framed it, and it sits on my craft table as a reminder of the name--the gift--that God gave me and His promise to sustain my light with His warmth.
I can't believe I didn't post this before. I don't know why I didn't. It's an old revelation. From back in October. Maybe I thought it was just too personal. But I figure it's time to let you know about it.
This is yet another revelation stemming from my time in small group. We were studying breath prayer that week. The most commonly known breath prayer is the Jesus Prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." It is a prayer meant to be said repeatedly in rhythm with your breath so that it eventually seeps into your spirit and becomes a part of you. It's mostly used in Eastern Orthodox circles and was made famous in The Way of a Pilgrim, a spiritual classic of the Russian Orthodox tradition.
We had spent a week studying breath prayer and crafting our own prayers with the following format:
Breathe in --> a name for God and a description of God
Breathe out --> a desire and a description of myself
Shortened versions of breath prayer are just a name for God and a desire. For example, "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me," or "Breath of God, breathe on me," or "Almighty God, give me strength," etc. You get the idea.
In small group, we were given a period of silence for us to each have a conversation with God. We were to tell God what our name was and to ask what He calls us. Maybe this is a little mushy and strange, and maybe that's why I haven't shared it until now. But here is the conversation I had with God, written in a sort of poem/psalm form because that's how it felt, and "selah" seemed the best way to notate pauses that were full of the Spirit. So without further ado, my conversation with God...
He asks, "What is your name?"
I answer, "My name is Broken."
He asks, "Who broke you?"
I answer, "I think You did...
..."
And we wait.
I ask, "Is that okay to say?"
He answers, "Yes, that's okay to say."
Selah
He says, "That is not what I call you."
He asks, "May I give you a new name?"
I answer, "I would like to hear it."
Then we dance.
I breathe in, "Namer of the stars,"
I breathe out, "What do You call me?"
He breathes a name, "Beloved."
I answer, "That is not enough.
No, I am not Beloved."
I breathe in, "Namer of the stars,"
I breathe out, "What do You call me?"
He breathes a name, "Beauty."
I answer, "I understand Your meaning,
But no, I am surely not Beauty."
I breathe in, "Namer of the stars,"
I breathe out, "What do You call me?"
He breathes a name, "Depths."
I answer, "There is sadness there.
No, I am not Depths."
I breathe in, "Namer of the stars,"
I breathe out, "What do you call me?"
He breathes a name, "Light."
Selah
He continues, "You name is Light
because your Light has not gone out.
What you think you've lost
You have not lost."
Selah
I receive, "Thank You for my name.
Yes, my name is Light."
And we wait.
I ask, "What is Your name?"
He answers, "My name is Warmth."
Selah
He continues, "I am what you need
To feel safe and loved and happy."
I confirm, "Yes, that is true."
He continues, "But My name is more.
My name is a covenant with you.
Warmth will fan the flame of Light,
And I will restore your fire.
If you will absorb My Warmth,
Then you will burn brighter,
Radiating my Warmth through your Light."
Selah
I don't pretend to understand the physics of this conversation. It wasn't a "voice from heaven" sort of deal. And it wasn't me making up God's script, filling in what I expected or wanted him to say. It was more like a stirring in my heart. I would ask, and He would answer. And I knew it was Him. Without question, without striving, without conjuring. He was just there with me, speaking to me. I don't know why I feel the need to say that this is not my normal experience. I don't know why I feel compelled to disclaimer this into insignificance. The simple truth is that God gave me a gift. He gave me a name. When I felt like I was withering, He encouraged me and renewed my strength.
"A bruised reed He will not break.
And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish." -Isaiah 42:3
That weekend was my church's women's retreat at a convent in Biddeford, Maine. As I walked into out meeting room, I noticed a painting on the wall of the order's foundress, Marie Rivier.
I asked the nun in the gift shop if they had any postcards or prints of the painting, and she said she would check. On the last morning of the retreat, she gave me a postcard she had found of the picture. I framed it, and it sits on my craft table as a reminder of the name--the gift--that God gave me and His promise to sustain my light with His warmth.
12.08.2009
9.25.2009
holy listening
i know i've talked about spiritual direction quite a bit on this blog. but last night, i had quite a different experience with it that i wanted to share. first, a little back story...
in small group on wednesday night, we broke into twos and practiced "holy listening." one person is the speaker and the other is the listener. the speaker shares where God has been for them over the past week and the listener listens. when the speaker finishes, the listener doesn't give advice or try to analyze or fix anything or share how she had experienced something similar. she maybe asks a clarifying question or two, but on the whole, the listener simply bares witness to God's presence, notices God's movement, and receives the speaker. that's basically what spiritual direction is. after our time of speaking and listening, we came back together as a group and shared what the time was like for us. then our group's leader encouraged us to allow God to be our "holy listener" and to be His holy listener in return.
i've been in a strange place with God over the past couple of months...not bitter or resentful like i was last year. having discarded some of the unhelpful images and ideas i had about God, i've been waiting for Him to show up and replace those images with His true self. but i am still very tentative with Him. He hasn't fully regained my trust. and so my invitations to Him have been awkward and irresolute. it's been difficult for me to pray, wanting Him to open up the sky and speak to me, scared of what He would say, more scared that He wouldn't show up at all. so even in my new plan of "initiating" contact with Him in order to be more receptive to His presence, i've still just been speaking to myself, too scared to actually invite Him to participate in the conversation for fear of rejection or abandonment in some form or another.
so last night, i decided to pray a little differently. i dusted off my journal, and i began to write. i told God that i wasn't ready to invite Him to speak quite yet but that He was more than welcome to be my holy listener, to be with me as i journaled to myself, to bear witness to where I was and to simply be with me there.
maybe this isn't any sort of revelation for anyone else. maybe this is how you've prayed all your life. but it's something different for me. i receive love in presence and in interaction. i've always had someone i can pour my heart out to, and that they listen and respond is how i am affirmed in our relationship. my relationship with God used to be like that. i wouldn't hear audible voices or anything, but my prayers were by and large interactive. i don't really know how to explain it any better than that. but in the past few years, i haven't felt that exchange from God. i've felt abandoned and manipulated by Him, or rather, who I believed Him to be. so now, in this season of regaining some footing and rediscovering Who He Is, it was incredibly peace giving to just talk and for Him to just listen, to just be with me. i could feel Him. and He wasn't shushing me to get a word in, He wasn't chiding me for not letting Him speak. He was just there. listening. loving me. receiving what i had to say. and i just talked to Him, not even about my relationship with Him, just about what i was going through in those moments.
i haven't returned the favor of being His listener quite yet. i'm still fearful of the isolation i would feel if He didn't show up or the guilt He could inflict upon me if He wasn't pleased with me. i know He has the power to destroy me--not with lightning bolts or a giant thumb smiting me, although He could--but with His Word and how He chooses to reveal Himself to me or hide Himself from me. and I am terrified. but last night, He was gentle. last night, He was content to just listen and receive me where i was. and that was a gift.
in small group on wednesday night, we broke into twos and practiced "holy listening." one person is the speaker and the other is the listener. the speaker shares where God has been for them over the past week and the listener listens. when the speaker finishes, the listener doesn't give advice or try to analyze or fix anything or share how she had experienced something similar. she maybe asks a clarifying question or two, but on the whole, the listener simply bares witness to God's presence, notices God's movement, and receives the speaker. that's basically what spiritual direction is. after our time of speaking and listening, we came back together as a group and shared what the time was like for us. then our group's leader encouraged us to allow God to be our "holy listener" and to be His holy listener in return.
i've been in a strange place with God over the past couple of months...not bitter or resentful like i was last year. having discarded some of the unhelpful images and ideas i had about God, i've been waiting for Him to show up and replace those images with His true self. but i am still very tentative with Him. He hasn't fully regained my trust. and so my invitations to Him have been awkward and irresolute. it's been difficult for me to pray, wanting Him to open up the sky and speak to me, scared of what He would say, more scared that He wouldn't show up at all. so even in my new plan of "initiating" contact with Him in order to be more receptive to His presence, i've still just been speaking to myself, too scared to actually invite Him to participate in the conversation for fear of rejection or abandonment in some form or another.
so last night, i decided to pray a little differently. i dusted off my journal, and i began to write. i told God that i wasn't ready to invite Him to speak quite yet but that He was more than welcome to be my holy listener, to be with me as i journaled to myself, to bear witness to where I was and to simply be with me there.
maybe this isn't any sort of revelation for anyone else. maybe this is how you've prayed all your life. but it's something different for me. i receive love in presence and in interaction. i've always had someone i can pour my heart out to, and that they listen and respond is how i am affirmed in our relationship. my relationship with God used to be like that. i wouldn't hear audible voices or anything, but my prayers were by and large interactive. i don't really know how to explain it any better than that. but in the past few years, i haven't felt that exchange from God. i've felt abandoned and manipulated by Him, or rather, who I believed Him to be. so now, in this season of regaining some footing and rediscovering Who He Is, it was incredibly peace giving to just talk and for Him to just listen, to just be with me. i could feel Him. and He wasn't shushing me to get a word in, He wasn't chiding me for not letting Him speak. He was just there. listening. loving me. receiving what i had to say. and i just talked to Him, not even about my relationship with Him, just about what i was going through in those moments.
i haven't returned the favor of being His listener quite yet. i'm still fearful of the isolation i would feel if He didn't show up or the guilt He could inflict upon me if He wasn't pleased with me. i know He has the power to destroy me--not with lightning bolts or a giant thumb smiting me, although He could--but with His Word and how He chooses to reveal Himself to me or hide Himself from me. and I am terrified. but last night, He was gentle. last night, He was content to just listen and receive me where i was. and that was a gift.
9.16.2009
Molly-olly-oxenfree
on friday night, jason and i headed down to jersey for a quick 24 trip to meet my new niece, molly grace benson. let me just say, i am so in love. she is the smallest, sweetest, most adorable little baby ever. ever. here are a couple pictures to solidify the point:
besides molly-gazing and holding and loving, we fit a lot into a very short amount of time. in the 12 hours we were awake in jersey: we met our niece, jason and justin went golfing, we ate three delicious meals, saw megan and justin's house-remodeling in progress, took a walk, saw josiah's first experience with real food (liquid rice cereal), spent time with my grandfather, got our truck fixed (the gear shifter was jammed and wouldn't shift into park), ichatted with amy and jesse, and my mom and i did a little felting. a very busy day proceeded by and followed by 6 hours driving from and back to boston. *phew.*
i[re-]learned a few things from my trip back to the Promised Land (aka south jersey):
Fishy Face!
besides molly-gazing and holding and loving, we fit a lot into a very short amount of time. in the 12 hours we were awake in jersey: we met our niece, jason and justin went golfing, we ate three delicious meals, saw megan and justin's house-remodeling in progress, took a walk, saw josiah's first experience with real food (liquid rice cereal), spent time with my grandfather, got our truck fixed (the gear shifter was jammed and wouldn't shift into park), ichatted with amy and jesse, and my mom and i did a little felting. a very busy day proceeded by and followed by 6 hours driving from and back to boston. *phew.*i[re-]learned a few things from my trip back to the Promised Land (aka south jersey):
- i love my family. i desperately want to live closer to them, but in the mean time, i'm so glad that we are in weekend-trip-driving distance.
- south jersey water is the best water on the planet. it's just sweeter and more refreshing and delicious than any other water anywhere.
- i love being an aunt to all my little nephews and niece.
- i'm getting more comfortable with babies. not quite sure where that's going to lead except that pretty soon, maternity leave will not be the only reason i want one.
- jason is an excellent road-tripping companion.
- i don't know what the world did before gps's.
- despite very enticing sunday plans that would include hanging out with friends and picking apples and eating apple cider donuts, if i have a busy saturday, i cannot escape the allure of the sunday afternoon nap.
Fishy Face!9.04.2009
Revelations in Time Management, Isolation, and Extroversion
I've gotten a little of track the past couple weeks with my other blog...not quite keeping up with my weekly deadline as well as I would like. I think for the most part, I've been handling my weekly challenge in a healthy way, not becoming too obsessed about it or too upset with myself when I'm a few days late or when my projects are not as awe-inspiring as I think they should be.
But this week, I had a breakdown...one of my hardest falls in a very long time. I was in deep despair over my future and my ability to be a functional human being. Here's what happened:
Jason and I made plans to hang out in our guest room/craft room/study. He was going to blog or study Greek, and I was going to make something. But then Jason remembered that there was an event on campus that he was supposed to attend, and I told him that was fine. I had plenty to do to keep myself busy. So he left, and I looked around the kitchen and thought about making dinner, but the sink was full of dirty dishes, including the pan I needed, so I sat down on the couch and started reading The Last Unicorn, which apparently is this great fantasy classic that I had never read. (I'm about half way through now, and I can't say that the story is very compelling or that the characters are overly likable, but it is very well written.) So I started reading, and with every approaching end of a chapter, I told myself that I would get up off the couch and make myself dinner and then I would get started on a crafty project. The chapters slipped by, and so did the hours, and before I knew it, it was almost 9:00, and I was still on the couch. I hadn't eaten a thing. And I had no energy to get up and be productive, even in a fun and creative way.
This happens to me a lot. I'll have these great big plans to do something when Jason is gone, and I'll end up wasting my entire night. The reality of this hit me that night, and I completely lost it. I began to think about what it is going to take for me to be able to start my own business: discipline, perseverance, energy, motivation, drive, passion, initiative. I began telling myself that I didn't have any of these qualities and that I would never succeed because I am incapable of being alone. I told myself that I was completely dysfunctional and that I would always have to have a job that I hated because I can't do anything by myself. It was unbearably depressing. I spent quite a long time crying on the bathroom floor in the dark.
When Jason and I talked about my melt down, I told him that I wished that I wasn't so dysfunctional, that I could just be a normal human being. I told him that when I'm by myself, I am incapable of conjuring up the energy to be anything but lazy and unmotivated. And he told me that that doesn't make me dysfunctional--that makes me an extrovert. He said that feeling lonely doesn't make me less of a person--it makes me human. And that's alright. He suggested that when I'm by myself, I should set smaller goals like "eat dinner," and if that's all I do, that's okay. Emily gave me similar advice a few weeks ago when I was in Chicago, saying that doing nothing was a perfectly sufficient way to spend an evening by myself, and I should give myself permission to do that. Through Jason's and Emily's counsel, I came to the following realization:
I shouldn't expect my alone time to be my most productive time.
That might seem small and inconsequential. Or it may seem absurdly obvious to anyone who knows me well. I have always been more productive when someone else is in the room, even if we don't say a word to each other. By their mere presence, they energize me for the task at hand. And yet, when I have time to myself, I expect that I should be able to accomplish great feats of creative brilliance, complete and concrete and furiously productive. Clearly, those are ridiculous expectations. But I don't think I'm alone in envisioning that artists should be able to create by themselves. And I so desperately want to be an artist.
Jason and I went to convocation this morning at Gordon. (Convocation is kinda like chapel but more academically focused. Every Friday instead of chapel, there is convocation. The theme for convocation this year is Creativity.) There were a panel of faculty, each presenting a different aspect of creativity. One professor started her presentation by naming several creative people: Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso, some writer I had never heard of. She asked us to picture each person. She asked if we envisioned them with the tools of their craft. Most people did. Then she asked if anyone pictured these creative geniuses with anyone else. Not a single hand was raised. She said that is was interesting and devastating how our culture elevates the work of the individual and conjures stereotypes that we can and should and do accomplish great things in isolation. The reality is that each of the creative people she mentioned had a co-collaborator, someone to listen and reflect their ideas. She reminded us that we were created to be social beings. That is not a weakness. Our need for other people is a mark of the image of God in us. Even God Himself creates in the community of the Trinity. If we are His image-bearers, how much more do we, the created, need to approach creative work in a communal context!
It was healing for me to hear today that even the most brilliant creators in history did not create in a vacuum of isolation. It gives me hope that I can achieve something after all. It gives me the freedom to need people and to be honest with myself about that need. And maybe if I can be honest about my needs, I can slow the crippling bottling I do when I am hurting. And maybe I can find the motivation to reach out to people, who might need me just as much as I need them.
But this week, I had a breakdown...one of my hardest falls in a very long time. I was in deep despair over my future and my ability to be a functional human being. Here's what happened:
Jason and I made plans to hang out in our guest room/craft room/study. He was going to blog or study Greek, and I was going to make something. But then Jason remembered that there was an event on campus that he was supposed to attend, and I told him that was fine. I had plenty to do to keep myself busy. So he left, and I looked around the kitchen and thought about making dinner, but the sink was full of dirty dishes, including the pan I needed, so I sat down on the couch and started reading The Last Unicorn, which apparently is this great fantasy classic that I had never read. (I'm about half way through now, and I can't say that the story is very compelling or that the characters are overly likable, but it is very well written.) So I started reading, and with every approaching end of a chapter, I told myself that I would get up off the couch and make myself dinner and then I would get started on a crafty project. The chapters slipped by, and so did the hours, and before I knew it, it was almost 9:00, and I was still on the couch. I hadn't eaten a thing. And I had no energy to get up and be productive, even in a fun and creative way.
This happens to me a lot. I'll have these great big plans to do something when Jason is gone, and I'll end up wasting my entire night. The reality of this hit me that night, and I completely lost it. I began to think about what it is going to take for me to be able to start my own business: discipline, perseverance, energy, motivation, drive, passion, initiative. I began telling myself that I didn't have any of these qualities and that I would never succeed because I am incapable of being alone. I told myself that I was completely dysfunctional and that I would always have to have a job that I hated because I can't do anything by myself. It was unbearably depressing. I spent quite a long time crying on the bathroom floor in the dark.
When Jason and I talked about my melt down, I told him that I wished that I wasn't so dysfunctional, that I could just be a normal human being. I told him that when I'm by myself, I am incapable of conjuring up the energy to be anything but lazy and unmotivated. And he told me that that doesn't make me dysfunctional--that makes me an extrovert. He said that feeling lonely doesn't make me less of a person--it makes me human. And that's alright. He suggested that when I'm by myself, I should set smaller goals like "eat dinner," and if that's all I do, that's okay. Emily gave me similar advice a few weeks ago when I was in Chicago, saying that doing nothing was a perfectly sufficient way to spend an evening by myself, and I should give myself permission to do that. Through Jason's and Emily's counsel, I came to the following realization:
I shouldn't expect my alone time to be my most productive time.
That might seem small and inconsequential. Or it may seem absurdly obvious to anyone who knows me well. I have always been more productive when someone else is in the room, even if we don't say a word to each other. By their mere presence, they energize me for the task at hand. And yet, when I have time to myself, I expect that I should be able to accomplish great feats of creative brilliance, complete and concrete and furiously productive. Clearly, those are ridiculous expectations. But I don't think I'm alone in envisioning that artists should be able to create by themselves. And I so desperately want to be an artist.
Jason and I went to convocation this morning at Gordon. (Convocation is kinda like chapel but more academically focused. Every Friday instead of chapel, there is convocation. The theme for convocation this year is Creativity.) There were a panel of faculty, each presenting a different aspect of creativity. One professor started her presentation by naming several creative people: Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso, some writer I had never heard of. She asked us to picture each person. She asked if we envisioned them with the tools of their craft. Most people did. Then she asked if anyone pictured these creative geniuses with anyone else. Not a single hand was raised. She said that is was interesting and devastating how our culture elevates the work of the individual and conjures stereotypes that we can and should and do accomplish great things in isolation. The reality is that each of the creative people she mentioned had a co-collaborator, someone to listen and reflect their ideas. She reminded us that we were created to be social beings. That is not a weakness. Our need for other people is a mark of the image of God in us. Even God Himself creates in the community of the Trinity. If we are His image-bearers, how much more do we, the created, need to approach creative work in a communal context!
It was healing for me to hear today that even the most brilliant creators in history did not create in a vacuum of isolation. It gives me hope that I can achieve something after all. It gives me the freedom to need people and to be honest with myself about that need. And maybe if I can be honest about my needs, I can slow the crippling bottling I do when I am hurting. And maybe I can find the motivation to reach out to people, who might need me just as much as I need them.
5.01.2009
celebrations
spring holds so many things to celebrate, and this year especially! boston has finally emerged from the cloak of death that is new england winter. trees are budding, robins are hopping along the freshly cut grass, and life is once again triumphant after all! i've put away the winter coat in exchange for the new, trendy spring jacket; i've broken out the flip-flops; and i am very much looking forward to working through the summer because it means that there will not be quite so many professors around asking me to clear copier queues. but in much more exciting news, this spring is just full of happiness:
- my nephew jesse's birthday is coming up soon, and he'll be taking his first trip to disney world. i'm so excited for him and for amy and jared as they get to witness his enthusiasm. i just love that kid!
- this spring brought another nephew into my life: josiah, who i got to meet last saturday, and who i absolutely adore. he is a beautiful baby, and i love him to pieces.
- megan's pregnancy is also going well, and she found out yesterday that her little banana baby is a girl!! i am so thrilled to have a niece in the works, and i promise to do my very best to spoil her rotten.
- with all these new nephews and niece, i have two sisters who get to celebrate their first mothers' day as mothers. the road to motherhood has been long and full of ups and downs for both of them, so i am so excited for them to actually get to enjoy this holiday for the first time in years.
- and speaking of birth and celebrations, jason's birthday is tomorrow!! so everyone, be sure to wish him a happy 25th birthday!
3.18.2009
the missing link
i've been a lot happier these days. i've been stretching my creativity muscles by trying out new recipes, making lots of artlets (a word i just made up meaning little art projects), and even dabbling a bit in music again. it's been so satisfying to make the time and space for making things. it's something i've been missing. when i'm putting my hands and my mind and my time to creative ventures, exploring new media, learning new skills...i don't know. there's something refreshing about it. i feel alive. i feel like the best version of myself. it's been lovely to discover that my world, though far from ideal, still holds pockets bursting with inspiration waiting to be made into something new.
i was at small group the other night, and we were asked to spend some time reflecting, writing down our distractions, and handing them over to God. i was distracted by a couple of youth group activities that i wanted moved around in order to make time for my new creative lifestyle. i told God that i was concerned because i've made time for making things, but i haven't cut anything else out of my life. i'm doing alright so far, but i don't want to get burnt out, so i know that i need to edit a few things out to make room for me to breathe. but i heard God say, "maybe living a fulfilling life isn't just about having the right formula of extra-curricular activities." alright, God...so what is it about? "it's about knowing Me." well, that's what i'm trying to do with all of this creativity. i'm tapping into Your image in me and embracing the identity you've given me as a little creator. [then God called me out:] "robin, it can't all be smoke and mirrors. you need genuine, explicit face time with Me."
and there is the missing link.
basically, my little revelation of having everything i need to live and create and thrive was not complete. although it has greatly improved my life and my disposition, it gave me no coping mechanism or broader perspective for my time spent at work. i tried to focus on what i had that was life-giving and wish away my hours at work until i could get home and create. my life was no longer a never-ending stretch of misery, but it was still disconnected, fragmented, incomplete.
with a little help from the book we're reading in small group (wisdom distilled from the daily by joan chittister), i've come to the realization that there are 5 kinds of activities that make up our days:
1) work- the things we do because we have to and probably wouldn't do if we didn't have to. going to work. tending to basic physical needs like preparing, eating, and cleaning up meals. cleaning our living space. etc. not to say some people don't enjoy these things, but for the most part, we do them mainly because we need to.
2) vegging- the activities we find ourselves doing when we don't have the energy to do anything else. tv, movies, video or computer games, facebook, etc. sure, some of these things do serve a purpose, but let's be honest. they're mostly just mind-numbing time fillers. we do them because we need to relax and zone out for a little while.
3) sleep- this gets a category of it's own because it takes up so much time, and it goes beyond vegging out or taking care of a physical need. if you don't do it, you're body eventually does it for you. trust me...i've tested that theory.
i pause here to state that for a while, that is basically what my life looked like. pretty bleak, huh? but never fear...here's a little hope!
4) play- chittister defines play as the activities we do that release and rejuvenate our energy. maybe for you, that's exercising or playing a sport (or maybe that feels more like work than play :o/). maybe it's walking, reading, writing, singing, dancing, being with friends. maybe it's drawing, painting, sewing, knitting, felting, building, sculpting, making! it's the things that you do because you enjoy them. they take some energy output, but they leave you feeling refreshed.
the recent addition of play in my life has worked wonders! if you're not playing, cut out some of that veg time, muster a little energy, and do something!
but here is that missing link:
5) reflection- call it what you want...reflection, contemplation, noticing...if you must, you can call it quiet time, though i'd prefer that you didn't. :) we need time with God when we can reflect on Who He is, our lives, the world around us. the activities here can differ from person to person as much as they do with play. reading the bible and prayer are the obvious answers. but those things can be done in a myriad of different ways. consider taking a prayer walk or read the bible using lectio divina. (For a full reference of a plethora of these sorts of things, check out this book.)
basically, here's the short version: i need more than what i need. i need to play because without play, life is just terrible, and i won't have the energy to do anything but work, sleep, and veg. play spans the gap between activity and leisure. kinda like this:
work-------reflection-------play-------vegging-------sleep
and it gives me the energy to put forth that extra effort in reflection, which may be the greatest need of all (and is probably the most neglected). i need connection, continuity, something to make life cohesive and give it meaning. i need space to let God breathe into my life and to notice what He's doing. and that's just not going to happen unless i'm proactive about it. i can't just say i'm waiting for God to show up and then spend all of my time noticing where He isn't and never giving Him the chance to show me where He is. and i'm not going to be proactive about making that space unless i have some energy. and i'm not getting enough energy from working and vegging and sleeping, so play has a pivotal role. but i can't stop there. i need reflection, too, or i'm doomed to continue in the disconnectedness that's been plaguing me for over two years.
so there's the epiphany of the week. work, veg, sleep, play, reflect: the five piece puzzle to a fulfilling life (tm). i'm thankful that God has been gentle with me, showing me that He loves me enough to protect my identity while still challenging me to love Him back. and it turns out that the big life lesson is time management, which has been my perpetual achilles heel. but maybe with the permission to play and the naming of the 5 needs, i can finally find some balance. here's hoping...and here's a little happiness that i actually mean that. :o)
i was at small group the other night, and we were asked to spend some time reflecting, writing down our distractions, and handing them over to God. i was distracted by a couple of youth group activities that i wanted moved around in order to make time for my new creative lifestyle. i told God that i was concerned because i've made time for making things, but i haven't cut anything else out of my life. i'm doing alright so far, but i don't want to get burnt out, so i know that i need to edit a few things out to make room for me to breathe. but i heard God say, "maybe living a fulfilling life isn't just about having the right formula of extra-curricular activities." alright, God...so what is it about? "it's about knowing Me." well, that's what i'm trying to do with all of this creativity. i'm tapping into Your image in me and embracing the identity you've given me as a little creator. [then God called me out:] "robin, it can't all be smoke and mirrors. you need genuine, explicit face time with Me."
and there is the missing link.
basically, my little revelation of having everything i need to live and create and thrive was not complete. although it has greatly improved my life and my disposition, it gave me no coping mechanism or broader perspective for my time spent at work. i tried to focus on what i had that was life-giving and wish away my hours at work until i could get home and create. my life was no longer a never-ending stretch of misery, but it was still disconnected, fragmented, incomplete.
with a little help from the book we're reading in small group (wisdom distilled from the daily by joan chittister), i've come to the realization that there are 5 kinds of activities that make up our days:
1) work- the things we do because we have to and probably wouldn't do if we didn't have to. going to work. tending to basic physical needs like preparing, eating, and cleaning up meals. cleaning our living space. etc. not to say some people don't enjoy these things, but for the most part, we do them mainly because we need to.
2) vegging- the activities we find ourselves doing when we don't have the energy to do anything else. tv, movies, video or computer games, facebook, etc. sure, some of these things do serve a purpose, but let's be honest. they're mostly just mind-numbing time fillers. we do them because we need to relax and zone out for a little while.
3) sleep- this gets a category of it's own because it takes up so much time, and it goes beyond vegging out or taking care of a physical need. if you don't do it, you're body eventually does it for you. trust me...i've tested that theory.
i pause here to state that for a while, that is basically what my life looked like. pretty bleak, huh? but never fear...here's a little hope!
4) play- chittister defines play as the activities we do that release and rejuvenate our energy. maybe for you, that's exercising or playing a sport (or maybe that feels more like work than play :o/). maybe it's walking, reading, writing, singing, dancing, being with friends. maybe it's drawing, painting, sewing, knitting, felting, building, sculpting, making! it's the things that you do because you enjoy them. they take some energy output, but they leave you feeling refreshed.
the recent addition of play in my life has worked wonders! if you're not playing, cut out some of that veg time, muster a little energy, and do something!
but here is that missing link:
5) reflection- call it what you want...reflection, contemplation, noticing...if you must, you can call it quiet time, though i'd prefer that you didn't. :) we need time with God when we can reflect on Who He is, our lives, the world around us. the activities here can differ from person to person as much as they do with play. reading the bible and prayer are the obvious answers. but those things can be done in a myriad of different ways. consider taking a prayer walk or read the bible using lectio divina. (For a full reference of a plethora of these sorts of things, check out this book.)
basically, here's the short version: i need more than what i need. i need to play because without play, life is just terrible, and i won't have the energy to do anything but work, sleep, and veg. play spans the gap between activity and leisure. kinda like this:
work-------reflection-------play-------vegging-------sleep
and it gives me the energy to put forth that extra effort in reflection, which may be the greatest need of all (and is probably the most neglected). i need connection, continuity, something to make life cohesive and give it meaning. i need space to let God breathe into my life and to notice what He's doing. and that's just not going to happen unless i'm proactive about it. i can't just say i'm waiting for God to show up and then spend all of my time noticing where He isn't and never giving Him the chance to show me where He is. and i'm not going to be proactive about making that space unless i have some energy. and i'm not getting enough energy from working and vegging and sleeping, so play has a pivotal role. but i can't stop there. i need reflection, too, or i'm doomed to continue in the disconnectedness that's been plaguing me for over two years.
so there's the epiphany of the week. work, veg, sleep, play, reflect: the five piece puzzle to a fulfilling life (tm). i'm thankful that God has been gentle with me, showing me that He loves me enough to protect my identity while still challenging me to love Him back. and it turns out that the big life lesson is time management, which has been my perpetual achilles heel. but maybe with the permission to play and the naming of the 5 needs, i can finally find some balance. here's hoping...and here's a little happiness that i actually mean that. :o)
3.05.2009
a new space...
my last blog entry has sparked a new creative venture for me. i have committed to making at least one thing, start to finish, every week. in an attempt to log these pursuits, i've started a new blog called "The Weekly Make." i'll still keep this blog here for all of my existential ponderings and epiphanies. but i'll use "the weekly make" to chronicle all things creative, complete with pictures and all. there's not much there at the moment, but keep checking back. i'm planning on jumpstarting it this weekend with my last 3 weeks of creative pursuits. enjoy!!
2.25.2009
everything i need
where do i even begin? it's been coming at me from all angles lately, and i'm trying to fight the battle between the necessity to do work right now and the compulsion to share every detail of my past 2 weeks, which included a second honeymoon to disney world (best week of my entire life ever ever...too much goodness) and more than a few insights. i guess i'll start with the major insight and see how far i get before the guilt of not doing work builds up too much to ignore.
before i left for disney world, i had this "aha" moment. what i want more than anything else is to be creative, and that is how the image of God is reflected in me. i want to be a little creator, and i think God is pleased with that. i think that's who He created me to be. He put in me His desire to see raw materials (whether its fabric and thread or words and notes or paper and colors) brought together to make something beautiful, some representation of life and truth.
as i was thinking about that, He said, "you have everything you need right now to live." (i knew He meant that i have all of the raw materials that i need to be creative and to thrive in my current context.) i was a little startled by that revelation because i've been thinking the opposite for so long. "i don't have the space." "i don't have the time." "i don't have the creative community." "i don't have the inspiration." "i don't have the creative energy." so hearing that He has given me everything that i need, i realized that (here is the "aha") conditions will never be ideal. right now, it's a job that bores and annoys me and a lack of people to create with. in a few years, it will be that i'm too busy with kids or i feel guilty spending money on materials because jason and i are being supported by the church. but in my life right now, i have a craft space. i have a job that gets me home by 5:00. and i have a bunch of stuff lying around that's waiting to be put together. and i think that God wants to use this time in my life to start to develop the discipline i've always lacked when i'm without a clear deadline. i think He wants me to stop making excuses and to learn to see and cultivate inspiration, even when everything seems dark. so i've decided to create something start to finish every week, whether it's a song or a sewing project or something special to eat. it's a very small goal, but i figure...baby steps. i need to start to cultivate a habit of creativity that hopefully will someday lead to a lifestyle of creativity. and there's the hope i've been so desperate for over the past year and a half. i now have some sort of purpose, a goal, a way to see this time in my life as more than a waste or a beating. i'm not stuck. i have everything i need to live.
and with that little spark dimly but relentlessly gleaming, i need to get back to the paperwork that piled up while jason and i were living it up in the happiest place on earth. anybody else want to move to florida and work at disney world with me??
before i left for disney world, i had this "aha" moment. what i want more than anything else is to be creative, and that is how the image of God is reflected in me. i want to be a little creator, and i think God is pleased with that. i think that's who He created me to be. He put in me His desire to see raw materials (whether its fabric and thread or words and notes or paper and colors) brought together to make something beautiful, some representation of life and truth.
as i was thinking about that, He said, "you have everything you need right now to live." (i knew He meant that i have all of the raw materials that i need to be creative and to thrive in my current context.) i was a little startled by that revelation because i've been thinking the opposite for so long. "i don't have the space." "i don't have the time." "i don't have the creative community." "i don't have the inspiration." "i don't have the creative energy." so hearing that He has given me everything that i need, i realized that (here is the "aha") conditions will never be ideal. right now, it's a job that bores and annoys me and a lack of people to create with. in a few years, it will be that i'm too busy with kids or i feel guilty spending money on materials because jason and i are being supported by the church. but in my life right now, i have a craft space. i have a job that gets me home by 5:00. and i have a bunch of stuff lying around that's waiting to be put together. and i think that God wants to use this time in my life to start to develop the discipline i've always lacked when i'm without a clear deadline. i think He wants me to stop making excuses and to learn to see and cultivate inspiration, even when everything seems dark. so i've decided to create something start to finish every week, whether it's a song or a sewing project or something special to eat. it's a very small goal, but i figure...baby steps. i need to start to cultivate a habit of creativity that hopefully will someday lead to a lifestyle of creativity. and there's the hope i've been so desperate for over the past year and a half. i now have some sort of purpose, a goal, a way to see this time in my life as more than a waste or a beating. i'm not stuck. i have everything i need to live.
and with that little spark dimly but relentlessly gleaming, i need to get back to the paperwork that piled up while jason and i were living it up in the happiest place on earth. anybody else want to move to florida and work at disney world with me??
2.04.2009
secrets, sovereignty, and a sorry attempt at good news
i've written and saved and not posted quite a few entries over the past three months. so i've been more secretive than silent. and i suppose that's good. i've been struggling with the balance of wanting to be honest and not wanting to be depressing. i guess i'll break the secret here.
i've had a very difficult time coming back from Christmas vacation. to be very broad and theological, i'm struggling with questions of God's sovereignty, not whether or not He is in control, but more so the hidden motives behind His control, when to wait on Him and when to take ownership of my life and do something, those sorts of things. because if i believe in "God's economy," if i believe He doesn't waste anything, then i have to believe that this season in my life has a purpose, that it's preparing me for something. and if that's the case, then the inescapable conclusion is that i am purposed to be a human sacrifice, slowly burning out for the needs of the people around me and for God, with all of this untapped potential in me for the sole purpose of having something to give up for God. now the last i heard, God was not in the business of making extraordinary people mediocre. i had always thought that He was about doing things the other way around. and i'm trying very hard to believe that...even now, even in this dark and constricting place. but it's easier to believe what i see and experience and feel than to hope. because if the hope disappoints, i will break. and the damage will be irreparable.
so unfortunately, i don't have sunshine and daisies for you today. i write only to inform the general blogosphere that i'm still alive. some days it feels more like hanging on by threads than actually living, but my heart is still beating. my lungs are still somewhat functional. i've got brain waves and a pulse and all of those other vital signs. and in the end, i suppose that's good news.
i've had a very difficult time coming back from Christmas vacation. to be very broad and theological, i'm struggling with questions of God's sovereignty, not whether or not He is in control, but more so the hidden motives behind His control, when to wait on Him and when to take ownership of my life and do something, those sorts of things. because if i believe in "God's economy," if i believe He doesn't waste anything, then i have to believe that this season in my life has a purpose, that it's preparing me for something. and if that's the case, then the inescapable conclusion is that i am purposed to be a human sacrifice, slowly burning out for the needs of the people around me and for God, with all of this untapped potential in me for the sole purpose of having something to give up for God. now the last i heard, God was not in the business of making extraordinary people mediocre. i had always thought that He was about doing things the other way around. and i'm trying very hard to believe that...even now, even in this dark and constricting place. but it's easier to believe what i see and experience and feel than to hope. because if the hope disappoints, i will break. and the damage will be irreparable.
so unfortunately, i don't have sunshine and daisies for you today. i write only to inform the general blogosphere that i'm still alive. some days it feels more like hanging on by threads than actually living, but my heart is still beating. my lungs are still somewhat functional. i've got brain waves and a pulse and all of those other vital signs. and in the end, i suppose that's good news.
11.10.2008
the truest thing about you
here's a little food for thought from sacred rhythms: arranging our lives for spiritual transformation by ruth haley barton:
"your desire for more of God than you have right now, your longing for love, your need for deeper levels of spiritual transformation than you have experienced so far is the truest thing about you. you might think that your woundedness or your sinfulness is the truest thing about you or that your giftedness or your personality type or your job title or your identity as husband or wife, mother or father, somehow defines you. but in reality, it is your desire for God and your capacity to reach for more of God than you have right now that is the deepest essence of who you are."
what would my life look like if i lived as if that were true?
"your desire for more of God than you have right now, your longing for love, your need for deeper levels of spiritual transformation than you have experienced so far is the truest thing about you. you might think that your woundedness or your sinfulness is the truest thing about you or that your giftedness or your personality type or your job title or your identity as husband or wife, mother or father, somehow defines you. but in reality, it is your desire for God and your capacity to reach for more of God than you have right now that is the deepest essence of who you are."
what would my life look like if i lived as if that were true?
11.05.2008
david dark, the Kingdom, and hospitality
first of all, here is a link to a david dark talking head which he posted on his blog yesterday. secondly, let me say that david dark is a person who makes me truly believe that the Kingdom has come and that living as if that were true is actually a real possibility.
towards the end of this little video, he mentions "hospitality." maybe God is just trying to teach me something, but i've seen "hospitality" popping up all over the place in the past couple of months. theme of orientation chapel at gordon: hospitality. theme of my church's women's retreat: hospitality. a main emphasis in my seminary wives class: hospitality. i'm reading a book about spiritual direction--first chapter: welcoming the stranger--hospitality! and now david dark: hospitality, a vital part of living out Jesus' teachings.
i think i've always instinctively known the importance of hospitality. for those of you who know my mom at all, i'm sure you can find that very easily believe. my house was always the social gathering place. my mom always had chocolate chip cookies made when friends came over, even into my college years. she teaches her basket-weaving classes out of our home, and even though that's a business, she still makes sure that people are comfortable and free to share their lives, and in that, she models "welcoming the stranger." at different points while i was growing up, we had at least 7 different non-family members living at our house for long periods of time. we even had about a dozen or so people staying at our house for 4 days before mine and jason's wedding. (turns out that that may have been a crazy idea, but it seemed like a very natural thing to do.)
as i'm learning more about hospitality, i'm starting to understand that it's not just about having people over and making sure the house is presentable and baking cookies, (although i put great stock in the spiritual significance of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies). hospitality is about creating space in every encounter to see the image of God in people, to make them feel safe and valued, even in brief encounters. it's about really listening to them. it's about being vulnerable and inviting them to take part in your life, sharing from the abundance or the meagerness of whatever you have. david dark would add that it's about finding people interesting. (one of his quotes from rock n roll camp that is forever burned into my memory is, "i think there's something a little demonic in finding people uninteresting.")
now if all that is true--and i believe that it is--there is something that is required of me, and it's more than just making nice with people or having them over for dinner. it's a Kingdom calling. it's a lifestyle that--like jason's junior year chapel message--calls us to abandon the arrogance of "bringing Jesus to people" and instead forces us to see Jesus in people. yes, there is a danger of pantheism in seeing God in everyone, but i think the bigger danger comes when we make people invisible, when we fail to recognize the eternal significance of another person.
we all know the matthew 25 passage where Jesus says, "if you have done it to the least of these, you have done it to me." and what's He talking about here? clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, tending the sick, visiting the imprisoned--hospitality!! and when we do those things--whether it is taking care of people's physical needs or clothing the emotionally naked, feeding the intellectually hungry, tending the spiritually sick, or visiting the psychologically imprisoned--we do those things to Jesus. and that takes the martyrdom out of service and replaces it with high privilege..and some holy trembling if you ask me.
i'm rambling a bit here. i guess what i mainly want to know is: is hospitality popping up in your world, too? if so, what are you learning about it? what are you finding challenging about it? where are you meeting God in it? how do we change its connotation from the work of quaint little pastors' wives to a subversive and Kingdom-coming activity? what do you think of when you hear "the hospitality of Jesus" or "the hospitality of the cross" or "the hospitality of God"? or maybe you were struck by some completely different aspect of David Dark's video: creation care, Jesus as "the bloke who tried to help," or something else entirely. any immediate reactions?? any thoughts??
towards the end of this little video, he mentions "hospitality." maybe God is just trying to teach me something, but i've seen "hospitality" popping up all over the place in the past couple of months. theme of orientation chapel at gordon: hospitality. theme of my church's women's retreat: hospitality. a main emphasis in my seminary wives class: hospitality. i'm reading a book about spiritual direction--first chapter: welcoming the stranger--hospitality! and now david dark: hospitality, a vital part of living out Jesus' teachings.
i think i've always instinctively known the importance of hospitality. for those of you who know my mom at all, i'm sure you can find that very easily believe. my house was always the social gathering place. my mom always had chocolate chip cookies made when friends came over, even into my college years. she teaches her basket-weaving classes out of our home, and even though that's a business, she still makes sure that people are comfortable and free to share their lives, and in that, she models "welcoming the stranger." at different points while i was growing up, we had at least 7 different non-family members living at our house for long periods of time. we even had about a dozen or so people staying at our house for 4 days before mine and jason's wedding. (turns out that that may have been a crazy idea, but it seemed like a very natural thing to do.)
as i'm learning more about hospitality, i'm starting to understand that it's not just about having people over and making sure the house is presentable and baking cookies, (although i put great stock in the spiritual significance of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies). hospitality is about creating space in every encounter to see the image of God in people, to make them feel safe and valued, even in brief encounters. it's about really listening to them. it's about being vulnerable and inviting them to take part in your life, sharing from the abundance or the meagerness of whatever you have. david dark would add that it's about finding people interesting. (one of his quotes from rock n roll camp that is forever burned into my memory is, "i think there's something a little demonic in finding people uninteresting.")
now if all that is true--and i believe that it is--there is something that is required of me, and it's more than just making nice with people or having them over for dinner. it's a Kingdom calling. it's a lifestyle that--like jason's junior year chapel message--calls us to abandon the arrogance of "bringing Jesus to people" and instead forces us to see Jesus in people. yes, there is a danger of pantheism in seeing God in everyone, but i think the bigger danger comes when we make people invisible, when we fail to recognize the eternal significance of another person.
we all know the matthew 25 passage where Jesus says, "if you have done it to the least of these, you have done it to me." and what's He talking about here? clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, tending the sick, visiting the imprisoned--hospitality!! and when we do those things--whether it is taking care of people's physical needs or clothing the emotionally naked, feeding the intellectually hungry, tending the spiritually sick, or visiting the psychologically imprisoned--we do those things to Jesus. and that takes the martyrdom out of service and replaces it with high privilege..and some holy trembling if you ask me.
i'm rambling a bit here. i guess what i mainly want to know is: is hospitality popping up in your world, too? if so, what are you learning about it? what are you finding challenging about it? where are you meeting God in it? how do we change its connotation from the work of quaint little pastors' wives to a subversive and Kingdom-coming activity? what do you think of when you hear "the hospitality of Jesus" or "the hospitality of the cross" or "the hospitality of God"? or maybe you were struck by some completely different aspect of David Dark's video: creation care, Jesus as "the bloke who tried to help," or something else entirely. any immediate reactions?? any thoughts??
10.30.2008
buck up
so it's been quite a while since i've posted. i've been writing quite a bit but haven't posted for any number of reasons. but as i looked today and saw that i am quickly approaching the 2 month mark of blog neglect, i figured i should post something.
i've decided that when i have nothing really personal and current to say, i'm going to talk about music. i'm going to start compiling lists of songs. my rules for myself are:
1) to have lists of no more than 10 songs
2) to use only music that is on my ipod (just so i don't get overwhelmed by trying to think of every song in the world)
3) to list the songs in no particular order. the point here is for simplicity. i'm not trying to be critical here...not necessarily making any sort of musical statement. i'm just going for a good playlist and inviting you--yes you--to join in the conversation.
that's it. so here we go...
top 10 buck up songs
(these are the songs i listen to when i am mopey and need to snap out of it)
"say goodbye good" by the promise ring
"the valley" by sarah masen
"here comes the sun" by the beatles
"with a little help from my friends" by the beatles
"getting better" by the beatles
"philosophy" by ben folds
"this year" by the mountain goats
"you can't always get what you want" by the rolling stones
"section 14 (two thousand places)" by the polyphonic spree
"hoppipolla" by sigur ros
(i have a song-by-song explanation of this playlist but decided to leave it out because it felt a little self-indulgent. if you're curious, i can post that also...probably on the comments of this post.)
alright...now it's your turn. what song(s) lift(s) you up from the depths and prepare(s) you to re-enter the world as a more empowered person? readygo.
i've decided that when i have nothing really personal and current to say, i'm going to talk about music. i'm going to start compiling lists of songs. my rules for myself are:
1) to have lists of no more than 10 songs
2) to use only music that is on my ipod (just so i don't get overwhelmed by trying to think of every song in the world)
3) to list the songs in no particular order. the point here is for simplicity. i'm not trying to be critical here...not necessarily making any sort of musical statement. i'm just going for a good playlist and inviting you--yes you--to join in the conversation.
that's it. so here we go...
top 10 buck up songs
(these are the songs i listen to when i am mopey and need to snap out of it)
"say goodbye good" by the promise ring
"the valley" by sarah masen
"here comes the sun" by the beatles
"with a little help from my friends" by the beatles
"getting better" by the beatles
"philosophy" by ben folds
"this year" by the mountain goats
"you can't always get what you want" by the rolling stones
"section 14 (two thousand places)" by the polyphonic spree
"hoppipolla" by sigur ros
(i have a song-by-song explanation of this playlist but decided to leave it out because it felt a little self-indulgent. if you're curious, i can post that also...probably on the comments of this post.)
alright...now it's your turn. what song(s) lift(s) you up from the depths and prepare(s) you to re-enter the world as a more empowered person? readygo.
9.10.2008
let it be said of me
when i interviewed for this job, i was told repeatedly: "you work for department chairs, not all the other 70 odd professors in your departments. they will ask you for work, and you'll have to say, 'no.' you'll be way too busy to handle their work on top of everything else." now, i'm not saying that i was lied to. but. i still have whole stretches of days when i have nothing to do. i think the cause of this is 3-fold: 1) i'm still learning what i'm supposed to be doing. it's possible that i don't yet know every single thing for which i am responsible. 2) just about everything on my "to do" list requires at least one--but usually several--level(s) of approval from people who are way busier than i am. 3) jason thinks that maybe i have an over-developed, super-human work ethic. i don't think this is true. maybe i inherited my mom's hyper-thyroid, although one of the primary differences between my mom and me is that i am perfectly capable of sitting still and doing absolutely nothing for long stretches of time...at least when i'm at home. and maybe that's the ticket: when i am in an atmosphere where i am comfortable, i have no problem relaxing and enjoying having nothing to do. but when i am in a place where i feel awkward, i have the insatiable compulsion to be helpful.
sometimes i wish i were a different sort of person...one who could fill her downtime at work with office chit-chat and attempts to build relationships with my co-workers. even here where i really enjoy all of the people i work with, where i actually want to get to know them, even--gasp--be friends with them, i find it extremely difficult to overcome my "i don't want to bother anyone" complex and initiate--or even participate in--friendly interactions. weird, right? i'm a friendly person. i like people (mostly). i'm not exceptionally awkward or intimidatable.
but i think different spheres hold different values for me. if you asked me on any given day, "what is the most important thing on earth?", i would probably say "community, people, relationships," and i believe this. there is not a single more important investment of time and energy and love than another human being. (some might argue personal devotion to God, but i happen to believe that our devotion to God is meant to be lived out in the context of community. i think Jesus believes this, too.)
but in the context of a work environment, my primary values are productivity, efficiency, and competence. when my coworkers talk about me, what i would most want them to say is, "robin is really good at her job. when i need something done right and quickly, she's the one to go to. i can always count on her. she can do it all." not to be braggy, but that's been my reputation at every job i've ever had. i am a work horse. i go the extra mile. and i'm proud of that. i think my coworkers all think i'm nice and pleasant. but they don't know that i'm also deep and passionate. they have no idea that i have more to offer than copier-unjamming skills and fast turn-around times. and i don't feel compelled to show them. in my 5 or so years of working, i can count the number of deep, meaningful conversations with a coworker on one hand. pretty crazy, huh? cause i love deep, meaningful conversations. but the opportunities aren't readily available, and i don't seek them out. because when i am at work, that busy-busy-busy compulsion takes over and the rest of robin goes to sleep.
this got me thinking, if i hold different values in the different roles and arenas of my life, what do i want to be said of me everywhere else?
at work: that i am efficient, reliable, and speedyquick
in my marriage: that i am fun, supportive, and easy to love
with my friends: that i am imaginative and deep and a good listener
at church: that i am helpful, wise beyond my years, and friendly
for my family: that i am high-spirited, loving, and available
for myself: that i am talented, passionate, and competent
and everywhere: that i am honest, creative, and smart.
this isn't to say that i actually am all of these things. in fact, i'm mostly not these things. i fail to reach these ideals a lot, especially with my family. if you asked anyone in my family if i am "available," they would probably either laugh or cry. and if you asked jason if i am "easy to love," he would probably be more nice than honest. but these are the things that i really want to be.
how about you? what do you want to be said of you in the many spheres of your life?
(and yes, this may or may not be a shameless plea for comments. but i'm also curious. and i think it's a good thing to think about. so....readygo!!)
sometimes i wish i were a different sort of person...one who could fill her downtime at work with office chit-chat and attempts to build relationships with my co-workers. even here where i really enjoy all of the people i work with, where i actually want to get to know them, even--gasp--be friends with them, i find it extremely difficult to overcome my "i don't want to bother anyone" complex and initiate--or even participate in--friendly interactions. weird, right? i'm a friendly person. i like people (mostly). i'm not exceptionally awkward or intimidatable.
but i think different spheres hold different values for me. if you asked me on any given day, "what is the most important thing on earth?", i would probably say "community, people, relationships," and i believe this. there is not a single more important investment of time and energy and love than another human being. (some might argue personal devotion to God, but i happen to believe that our devotion to God is meant to be lived out in the context of community. i think Jesus believes this, too.)
but in the context of a work environment, my primary values are productivity, efficiency, and competence. when my coworkers talk about me, what i would most want them to say is, "robin is really good at her job. when i need something done right and quickly, she's the one to go to. i can always count on her. she can do it all." not to be braggy, but that's been my reputation at every job i've ever had. i am a work horse. i go the extra mile. and i'm proud of that. i think my coworkers all think i'm nice and pleasant. but they don't know that i'm also deep and passionate. they have no idea that i have more to offer than copier-unjamming skills and fast turn-around times. and i don't feel compelled to show them. in my 5 or so years of working, i can count the number of deep, meaningful conversations with a coworker on one hand. pretty crazy, huh? cause i love deep, meaningful conversations. but the opportunities aren't readily available, and i don't seek them out. because when i am at work, that busy-busy-busy compulsion takes over and the rest of robin goes to sleep.
this got me thinking, if i hold different values in the different roles and arenas of my life, what do i want to be said of me everywhere else?
at work: that i am efficient, reliable, and speedyquick
in my marriage: that i am fun, supportive, and easy to love
with my friends: that i am imaginative and deep and a good listener
at church: that i am helpful, wise beyond my years, and friendly
for my family: that i am high-spirited, loving, and available
for myself: that i am talented, passionate, and competent
and everywhere: that i am honest, creative, and smart.
this isn't to say that i actually am all of these things. in fact, i'm mostly not these things. i fail to reach these ideals a lot, especially with my family. if you asked anyone in my family if i am "available," they would probably either laugh or cry. and if you asked jason if i am "easy to love," he would probably be more nice than honest. but these are the things that i really want to be.
how about you? what do you want to be said of you in the many spheres of your life?
(and yes, this may or may not be a shameless plea for comments. but i'm also curious. and i think it's a good thing to think about. so....readygo!!)
9.03.2008
rest for the weary
man oh man has this been a crazy summer! here's a little recap of my weekends:
july 4th- jason's sister jenna comes to visit
july 11th- pack for move
july 18th- move into new apartment
july 25th- a few days with my sisters and brothers-in-law in south carolina, robbie and lauren's wedding
august 1st- day trip to new jersey
august 8th- hannah and josh's wedding in seattle
august 15th- emily and devin's wedding in minnesota, start new job on monday
august 22nd- finish unpacking
august 29th- day trip to old sturbridge village and my parents come to visit
september 5th- last weekend before jason starts school
it's been so wonderful to be able to see so much of our friends and family this summer. i'm so thankful that jason and i have such quality people in our lives, even if they are all spread out across the country. it was so refreshing to reconnect with people who have seen us grow and know us so well and who we can be 100% ourselves around without even trying. (i'm even thankful for the job--that i never have to go back to ever ever again--that allowed us to save some money for travelling this summer.)
and as restful and life-giving as all that community/reconnection was, boy am i glad to be in one place for a little while!! our summer adventures included about 35 hours of driving, 10 flights, 6 states, 4 family visits, 3 weddings, switching homes, switching jobs, and jason starting at a new school. it was definitely better than last summer (new marriage, pneumonia, moving to a new state/culture, new jobs, new church, new everything). it was a rocky start to a new life to say the least. way too many transitions, way too little time to enjoy being a wife and having a husband. but now, we feel like we finally have the life we set out to get last year. jason's starting school, i'm working at gordon, we're living on campus, and we're starting our second year of youth ministry (which we pray will be easier than the first). :o)
and i am like a different person, or rather...like the person i used to be. now, i don't go to bed at night hoping that i'll be sick the next morning. i don't lay in bed in the morning rationalizing how crappy i need to feel to justify calling in. i just go to bed and wake up (still very slowly--still so not a morning person), and i start my day. i go to work, and i have work to do, and sometimes i go to the gym afterwards, and when i get home, there is still plenty of time left in the day! it's truly amazing the difference having an afternoon makes. and i get to be in a setting that i care about, where i get to be creative now and then, and where i am constantly learning. i don't think this is my forever job--i'm realizing more and more how much i want to teach--but it's really ideal for the moment and hopefully for the next few years.
so here's to a new start. here's to a new home and a new job, both of which make it so much easier to see the new mercies God has in store.
july 4th- jason's sister jenna comes to visit
july 11th- pack for move
july 18th- move into new apartment
july 25th- a few days with my sisters and brothers-in-law in south carolina, robbie and lauren's wedding
august 1st- day trip to new jersey
august 8th- hannah and josh's wedding in seattle
august 15th- emily and devin's wedding in minnesota, start new job on monday
august 22nd- finish unpacking
august 29th- day trip to old sturbridge village and my parents come to visit
september 5th- last weekend before jason starts school
it's been so wonderful to be able to see so much of our friends and family this summer. i'm so thankful that jason and i have such quality people in our lives, even if they are all spread out across the country. it was so refreshing to reconnect with people who have seen us grow and know us so well and who we can be 100% ourselves around without even trying. (i'm even thankful for the job--that i never have to go back to ever ever again--that allowed us to save some money for travelling this summer.)
and as restful and life-giving as all that community/reconnection was, boy am i glad to be in one place for a little while!! our summer adventures included about 35 hours of driving, 10 flights, 6 states, 4 family visits, 3 weddings, switching homes, switching jobs, and jason starting at a new school. it was definitely better than last summer (new marriage, pneumonia, moving to a new state/culture, new jobs, new church, new everything). it was a rocky start to a new life to say the least. way too many transitions, way too little time to enjoy being a wife and having a husband. but now, we feel like we finally have the life we set out to get last year. jason's starting school, i'm working at gordon, we're living on campus, and we're starting our second year of youth ministry (which we pray will be easier than the first). :o)
and i am like a different person, or rather...like the person i used to be. now, i don't go to bed at night hoping that i'll be sick the next morning. i don't lay in bed in the morning rationalizing how crappy i need to feel to justify calling in. i just go to bed and wake up (still very slowly--still so not a morning person), and i start my day. i go to work, and i have work to do, and sometimes i go to the gym afterwards, and when i get home, there is still plenty of time left in the day! it's truly amazing the difference having an afternoon makes. and i get to be in a setting that i care about, where i get to be creative now and then, and where i am constantly learning. i don't think this is my forever job--i'm realizing more and more how much i want to teach--but it's really ideal for the moment and hopefully for the next few years.
so here's to a new start. here's to a new home and a new job, both of which make it so much easier to see the new mercies God has in store.
8.06.2008
new beginnings
welp...it's been almost a month since my last post, and quite a bit has happened. (so if this blog is the only forum from which you receive news from the little world of robin giberson lawrenz, i'm deeply sorry for my neglect.) here's what's been going on:
-jason and i moved into our new apartment on the gordon-conwell campus. it's a cute little two bedroom with a much larger kitchen than the one we had, and we're using the second bedroom as a guest room/study/craft space. pretty exciting, huh? i think so, too. we even ordered new couches, which will be arriving at some point within the next several weeks, and until then, we're using blow-up mattresses and pillows covered with blankets, fashioned to be somewhat couch-shaped. it's actually really comfortable, and a few of the youth group guys didn't even notice that it wasn't a real couch, so jason and i are kinda wondering why we bothered buying new ones. hmm...
-jason and i also celebrated our one year anniversary!! we went out to dinner and watched our wedding video and ate our cake that had been sitting in the freezer for a year. we were a little nervous about that part because we'd been warned that year-old wedding cake is not a pleasant experience. however, ours was actually still quite delicious...for the first few bites. (we threw the rest away.) but it was still definitely worth following the tradition. also, we had the greatest wedding of all time. now, you're probably thinking that i'm a little biased on that front. but seriously. best. ever. ask anyone who was there. our wedding kicked some serious tail. and i think we deserved it considering the 2 year engagement (bad idea), tireless hours of planning (so that every single little detail would be perfect--and it was), and the worst honeymoon of all time (which started out with pneumonia, followed by weeks of recovery). it's been strange thinking about how this time last august, i was just getting out of the hospital in Jersey (after God--in cooperation with a lot of praying people organized by one mr. devin goulding--worked some major miracles to get me there), pleased as peaches that no one had to drain anything out of my lungs with a needle, and finally cured by a magical leandro barbosa jersey. (i have the very best friends in the world.) since then, jason and i moved somewhere we've never been (where i knew a grand total of two people and he knew zero), started new jobs, and tried to figure out how to be married. a lot of craziness, but i wouldn't have had it any other way. jason is the very greatest husband ever, so easy to love and so eager to make me happy. go ahead. be jealous. he's just that wonderful. :o)
-in other news, i got a new job!!! i have 3 days left at csl, and 2 weddings to be in (hannah and josh and emily and devin are getting married!!! woohoo!!!), and i will be starting on august 18th as the administrative assistant for the department chairs of humanities and social sciences at gordon college!!! i will work 8:30-4:30, have free access to gordon's gym, three weeks of paid vacation, and i might actually have work to do at work!!! (in fact, in the interview, i was told about 7 times that i will have too much work to do and will have to learn to say no to people.) i'm really excited about getting to work for professors so i can get a little better of a feel for whether or not that's what i want to be when i grow up. and i can take undergrad classes for free, and if i work there for a few years, i can get reduced tuition for grad classes (masters in education, maybe with a concentration in the montessori method), and jason can get reduced tuition at gordon-conwell. so...needless to say, i'm pretty excited about all that.
so lots of new beginnings. it's kind of like we're starting over...new home, new job, jason will be starting at a new school. and i'm hoping that this year will be better than the last one. don't get me wrong. marriage has been wonderful. and i love new england. and our church has been fantastic. but i've been really...tired. 9-5:30, 5 days a week of a job that is unchallenging, uninteresting, and almost anti-creative...it's taken a toll on me. it's been really hard. so i'm hoping that this new job allows me a little more freedom to be myself so when i get home from work (a full hour earlier!), i just might have the time and the energy to be the person, the wife, the friend, the artist, that i want to be. here's hoping... :o)
-jason and i moved into our new apartment on the gordon-conwell campus. it's a cute little two bedroom with a much larger kitchen than the one we had, and we're using the second bedroom as a guest room/study/craft space. pretty exciting, huh? i think so, too. we even ordered new couches, which will be arriving at some point within the next several weeks, and until then, we're using blow-up mattresses and pillows covered with blankets, fashioned to be somewhat couch-shaped. it's actually really comfortable, and a few of the youth group guys didn't even notice that it wasn't a real couch, so jason and i are kinda wondering why we bothered buying new ones. hmm...
-jason and i also celebrated our one year anniversary!! we went out to dinner and watched our wedding video and ate our cake that had been sitting in the freezer for a year. we were a little nervous about that part because we'd been warned that year-old wedding cake is not a pleasant experience. however, ours was actually still quite delicious...for the first few bites. (we threw the rest away.) but it was still definitely worth following the tradition. also, we had the greatest wedding of all time. now, you're probably thinking that i'm a little biased on that front. but seriously. best. ever. ask anyone who was there. our wedding kicked some serious tail. and i think we deserved it considering the 2 year engagement (bad idea), tireless hours of planning (so that every single little detail would be perfect--and it was), and the worst honeymoon of all time (which started out with pneumonia, followed by weeks of recovery). it's been strange thinking about how this time last august, i was just getting out of the hospital in Jersey (after God--in cooperation with a lot of praying people organized by one mr. devin goulding--worked some major miracles to get me there), pleased as peaches that no one had to drain anything out of my lungs with a needle, and finally cured by a magical leandro barbosa jersey. (i have the very best friends in the world.) since then, jason and i moved somewhere we've never been (where i knew a grand total of two people and he knew zero), started new jobs, and tried to figure out how to be married. a lot of craziness, but i wouldn't have had it any other way. jason is the very greatest husband ever, so easy to love and so eager to make me happy. go ahead. be jealous. he's just that wonderful. :o)
-in other news, i got a new job!!! i have 3 days left at csl, and 2 weddings to be in (hannah and josh and emily and devin are getting married!!! woohoo!!!), and i will be starting on august 18th as the administrative assistant for the department chairs of humanities and social sciences at gordon college!!! i will work 8:30-4:30, have free access to gordon's gym, three weeks of paid vacation, and i might actually have work to do at work!!! (in fact, in the interview, i was told about 7 times that i will have too much work to do and will have to learn to say no to people.) i'm really excited about getting to work for professors so i can get a little better of a feel for whether or not that's what i want to be when i grow up. and i can take undergrad classes for free, and if i work there for a few years, i can get reduced tuition for grad classes (masters in education, maybe with a concentration in the montessori method), and jason can get reduced tuition at gordon-conwell. so...needless to say, i'm pretty excited about all that.
so lots of new beginnings. it's kind of like we're starting over...new home, new job, jason will be starting at a new school. and i'm hoping that this year will be better than the last one. don't get me wrong. marriage has been wonderful. and i love new england. and our church has been fantastic. but i've been really...tired. 9-5:30, 5 days a week of a job that is unchallenging, uninteresting, and almost anti-creative...it's taken a toll on me. it's been really hard. so i'm hoping that this new job allows me a little more freedom to be myself so when i get home from work (a full hour earlier!), i just might have the time and the energy to be the person, the wife, the friend, the artist, that i want to be. here's hoping... :o)
7.10.2008
stewardship
i've recently had a little epiphany about stewardship. i've been subconsciously thinking that stewardship is making as much money as possible and using that money well. as part of that, i've felt like it's bad stewardship to be poor when you don't have to be. but the other day, i realized that money is not the utmost aspect of stewardship. being a good steward involves every aspect of a person's potential and resources. pursuing my God-given identity, being authentic to who He created me to be, and using the gifts He's given me to the utmost, are more important than making sure jason and i have everything that we need and that we will never want for anything.
now i bet you're thinking "wow...some epiphany. looks more like a no-brainer than an epiphany." and you're right. if you had asked me at any given point of my life if i believed that living to your potential and using your gifts are more important and more relevant to good stewardship than making lots of money, i would have said, "of course." but it's one thing to give mental ascent to those kinds of truths. it's another thing entirely to actually live as if those truths were true.
if i lived an authentic life, if i lived with the strong conviction that God made me for a purpose and with a commitment to pursue that purpose, wouldn't life look drastically different? wouldn't that be the life of passion and adventure that i so desperately crave?
reality (read "cynicism") check here: yes, robin. if by "adventure" you mean struggling to make ends meet, that's exactly what throwing caution to the wind and running hard after "fulfillment" would look like. and you can't just go gallivanting around, chasing whatever moves you in the moment. you have responsibilities now. you can no longer just worry about your own interests. you're mom can't make dinner for you every night. you have rent and bills to pay. you don't have everything handed to you anymore. you need to work for it. you need to not be so selfish.
and in response to that, i'm reminded of the book i read and quoted a few months back (let your life speak by parker j. palmer). unfortunately, i don't have it with me right now. but at one point, palmer talks about how living according to one's authentic identity is not a selfish act. trying to live someone else's life has great potential for doing more harm than good. the choice of what kind of life you are going to live should be determined by where your gifts and passions meet the world's needs. reversing that equation is a perfect recipe for burnout and dissatisfaction and bitterness. but when we look at the needs of our world, our communities, our families in light of who we are and what we are most crafted to give, meeting those needs would be such joy and fulfillment and not the burden and drudgery of living every day from empty stores. palmer really is so much more eloquent than i am. maybe in my words, it seems like self-justification. but in his words, it seems like the only reasonable way to live.
and so, the ever-nagging question: what does this look like? how can i practically pursue authenticity and purpose today? i'm thinking it probably will have something to do with a little flexibility on my part. because i don't think living an authentic life has to be reckless. as much as i would love to quit my job and go back to school this fall, my bills won't pay themselves. so maybe it's online classes. maybe it's reading some non-fiction relevant to what i want to do in place of the escapist young adult fantasy i love so much. maybe it's risking a conversation with my co-workers so i can bring in something interesting or creative to work on in my copious down-time. maybe it is finding somewhere else that will allow me to use my gifts and still pay my rent. i don't know. but this little revelation requires something of me, something hard, but something that has the potential to expose me to the spark of inspiration i've been missing.
i'm open to suggestions. any ideas??
now i bet you're thinking "wow...some epiphany. looks more like a no-brainer than an epiphany." and you're right. if you had asked me at any given point of my life if i believed that living to your potential and using your gifts are more important and more relevant to good stewardship than making lots of money, i would have said, "of course." but it's one thing to give mental ascent to those kinds of truths. it's another thing entirely to actually live as if those truths were true.
if i lived an authentic life, if i lived with the strong conviction that God made me for a purpose and with a commitment to pursue that purpose, wouldn't life look drastically different? wouldn't that be the life of passion and adventure that i so desperately crave?
reality (read "cynicism") check here: yes, robin. if by "adventure" you mean struggling to make ends meet, that's exactly what throwing caution to the wind and running hard after "fulfillment" would look like. and you can't just go gallivanting around, chasing whatever moves you in the moment. you have responsibilities now. you can no longer just worry about your own interests. you're mom can't make dinner for you every night. you have rent and bills to pay. you don't have everything handed to you anymore. you need to work for it. you need to not be so selfish.
and in response to that, i'm reminded of the book i read and quoted a few months back (let your life speak by parker j. palmer). unfortunately, i don't have it with me right now. but at one point, palmer talks about how living according to one's authentic identity is not a selfish act. trying to live someone else's life has great potential for doing more harm than good. the choice of what kind of life you are going to live should be determined by where your gifts and passions meet the world's needs. reversing that equation is a perfect recipe for burnout and dissatisfaction and bitterness. but when we look at the needs of our world, our communities, our families in light of who we are and what we are most crafted to give, meeting those needs would be such joy and fulfillment and not the burden and drudgery of living every day from empty stores. palmer really is so much more eloquent than i am. maybe in my words, it seems like self-justification. but in his words, it seems like the only reasonable way to live.
and so, the ever-nagging question: what does this look like? how can i practically pursue authenticity and purpose today? i'm thinking it probably will have something to do with a little flexibility on my part. because i don't think living an authentic life has to be reckless. as much as i would love to quit my job and go back to school this fall, my bills won't pay themselves. so maybe it's online classes. maybe it's reading some non-fiction relevant to what i want to do in place of the escapist young adult fantasy i love so much. maybe it's risking a conversation with my co-workers so i can bring in something interesting or creative to work on in my copious down-time. maybe it is finding somewhere else that will allow me to use my gifts and still pay my rent. i don't know. but this little revelation requires something of me, something hard, but something that has the potential to expose me to the spark of inspiration i've been missing.
i'm open to suggestions. any ideas??
7.03.2008
10 things for which i am grateful (in no particular order)
having morning-long projects that keep me busy at work.
being allowed to go home when i'm finished with my work.
the weepies (a band revealed to me by matt wistrand, and i am eternally grateful).
the fan that deafens the rest of the office so i can listen to my music at a hearable volume.
being helpful, especially for people that i like.
my family cause they're all really cool in their own different, special ways.
my husband because he is so easy to love.
facebook which helps me psuedo keep in touch with people.
first congregational church of essex.
the second bedroom/craft space/study jason and i will have in 13 days.
being allowed to go home when i'm finished with my work.
the weepies (a band revealed to me by matt wistrand, and i am eternally grateful).
the fan that deafens the rest of the office so i can listen to my music at a hearable volume.
being helpful, especially for people that i like.
my family cause they're all really cool in their own different, special ways.
my husband because he is so easy to love.
facebook which helps me psuedo keep in touch with people.
first congregational church of essex.
the second bedroom/craft space/study jason and i will have in 13 days.
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