here's a little food for thought from sacred rhythms: arranging our lives for spiritual transformation by ruth haley barton:
"your desire for more of God than you have right now, your longing for love, your need for deeper levels of spiritual transformation than you have experienced so far is the truest thing about you. you might think that your woundedness or your sinfulness is the truest thing about you or that your giftedness or your personality type or your job title or your identity as husband or wife, mother or father, somehow defines you. but in reality, it is your desire for God and your capacity to reach for more of God than you have right now that is the deepest essence of who you are."
what would my life look like if i lived as if that were true?
11.10.2008
11.05.2008
david dark, the Kingdom, and hospitality
first of all, here is a link to a david dark talking head which he posted on his blog yesterday. secondly, let me say that david dark is a person who makes me truly believe that the Kingdom has come and that living as if that were true is actually a real possibility.
towards the end of this little video, he mentions "hospitality." maybe God is just trying to teach me something, but i've seen "hospitality" popping up all over the place in the past couple of months. theme of orientation chapel at gordon: hospitality. theme of my church's women's retreat: hospitality. a main emphasis in my seminary wives class: hospitality. i'm reading a book about spiritual direction--first chapter: welcoming the stranger--hospitality! and now david dark: hospitality, a vital part of living out Jesus' teachings.
i think i've always instinctively known the importance of hospitality. for those of you who know my mom at all, i'm sure you can find that very easily believe. my house was always the social gathering place. my mom always had chocolate chip cookies made when friends came over, even into my college years. she teaches her basket-weaving classes out of our home, and even though that's a business, she still makes sure that people are comfortable and free to share their lives, and in that, she models "welcoming the stranger." at different points while i was growing up, we had at least 7 different non-family members living at our house for long periods of time. we even had about a dozen or so people staying at our house for 4 days before mine and jason's wedding. (turns out that that may have been a crazy idea, but it seemed like a very natural thing to do.)
as i'm learning more about hospitality, i'm starting to understand that it's not just about having people over and making sure the house is presentable and baking cookies, (although i put great stock in the spiritual significance of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies). hospitality is about creating space in every encounter to see the image of God in people, to make them feel safe and valued, even in brief encounters. it's about really listening to them. it's about being vulnerable and inviting them to take part in your life, sharing from the abundance or the meagerness of whatever you have. david dark would add that it's about finding people interesting. (one of his quotes from rock n roll camp that is forever burned into my memory is, "i think there's something a little demonic in finding people uninteresting.")
now if all that is true--and i believe that it is--there is something that is required of me, and it's more than just making nice with people or having them over for dinner. it's a Kingdom calling. it's a lifestyle that--like jason's junior year chapel message--calls us to abandon the arrogance of "bringing Jesus to people" and instead forces us to see Jesus in people. yes, there is a danger of pantheism in seeing God in everyone, but i think the bigger danger comes when we make people invisible, when we fail to recognize the eternal significance of another person.
we all know the matthew 25 passage where Jesus says, "if you have done it to the least of these, you have done it to me." and what's He talking about here? clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, tending the sick, visiting the imprisoned--hospitality!! and when we do those things--whether it is taking care of people's physical needs or clothing the emotionally naked, feeding the intellectually hungry, tending the spiritually sick, or visiting the psychologically imprisoned--we do those things to Jesus. and that takes the martyrdom out of service and replaces it with high privilege..and some holy trembling if you ask me.
i'm rambling a bit here. i guess what i mainly want to know is: is hospitality popping up in your world, too? if so, what are you learning about it? what are you finding challenging about it? where are you meeting God in it? how do we change its connotation from the work of quaint little pastors' wives to a subversive and Kingdom-coming activity? what do you think of when you hear "the hospitality of Jesus" or "the hospitality of the cross" or "the hospitality of God"? or maybe you were struck by some completely different aspect of David Dark's video: creation care, Jesus as "the bloke who tried to help," or something else entirely. any immediate reactions?? any thoughts??
towards the end of this little video, he mentions "hospitality." maybe God is just trying to teach me something, but i've seen "hospitality" popping up all over the place in the past couple of months. theme of orientation chapel at gordon: hospitality. theme of my church's women's retreat: hospitality. a main emphasis in my seminary wives class: hospitality. i'm reading a book about spiritual direction--first chapter: welcoming the stranger--hospitality! and now david dark: hospitality, a vital part of living out Jesus' teachings.
i think i've always instinctively known the importance of hospitality. for those of you who know my mom at all, i'm sure you can find that very easily believe. my house was always the social gathering place. my mom always had chocolate chip cookies made when friends came over, even into my college years. she teaches her basket-weaving classes out of our home, and even though that's a business, she still makes sure that people are comfortable and free to share their lives, and in that, she models "welcoming the stranger." at different points while i was growing up, we had at least 7 different non-family members living at our house for long periods of time. we even had about a dozen or so people staying at our house for 4 days before mine and jason's wedding. (turns out that that may have been a crazy idea, but it seemed like a very natural thing to do.)
as i'm learning more about hospitality, i'm starting to understand that it's not just about having people over and making sure the house is presentable and baking cookies, (although i put great stock in the spiritual significance of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies). hospitality is about creating space in every encounter to see the image of God in people, to make them feel safe and valued, even in brief encounters. it's about really listening to them. it's about being vulnerable and inviting them to take part in your life, sharing from the abundance or the meagerness of whatever you have. david dark would add that it's about finding people interesting. (one of his quotes from rock n roll camp that is forever burned into my memory is, "i think there's something a little demonic in finding people uninteresting.")
now if all that is true--and i believe that it is--there is something that is required of me, and it's more than just making nice with people or having them over for dinner. it's a Kingdom calling. it's a lifestyle that--like jason's junior year chapel message--calls us to abandon the arrogance of "bringing Jesus to people" and instead forces us to see Jesus in people. yes, there is a danger of pantheism in seeing God in everyone, but i think the bigger danger comes when we make people invisible, when we fail to recognize the eternal significance of another person.
we all know the matthew 25 passage where Jesus says, "if you have done it to the least of these, you have done it to me." and what's He talking about here? clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, tending the sick, visiting the imprisoned--hospitality!! and when we do those things--whether it is taking care of people's physical needs or clothing the emotionally naked, feeding the intellectually hungry, tending the spiritually sick, or visiting the psychologically imprisoned--we do those things to Jesus. and that takes the martyrdom out of service and replaces it with high privilege..and some holy trembling if you ask me.
i'm rambling a bit here. i guess what i mainly want to know is: is hospitality popping up in your world, too? if so, what are you learning about it? what are you finding challenging about it? where are you meeting God in it? how do we change its connotation from the work of quaint little pastors' wives to a subversive and Kingdom-coming activity? what do you think of when you hear "the hospitality of Jesus" or "the hospitality of the cross" or "the hospitality of God"? or maybe you were struck by some completely different aspect of David Dark's video: creation care, Jesus as "the bloke who tried to help," or something else entirely. any immediate reactions?? any thoughts??
10.30.2008
buck up
so it's been quite a while since i've posted. i've been writing quite a bit but haven't posted for any number of reasons. but as i looked today and saw that i am quickly approaching the 2 month mark of blog neglect, i figured i should post something.
i've decided that when i have nothing really personal and current to say, i'm going to talk about music. i'm going to start compiling lists of songs. my rules for myself are:
1) to have lists of no more than 10 songs
2) to use only music that is on my ipod (just so i don't get overwhelmed by trying to think of every song in the world)
3) to list the songs in no particular order. the point here is for simplicity. i'm not trying to be critical here...not necessarily making any sort of musical statement. i'm just going for a good playlist and inviting you--yes you--to join in the conversation.
that's it. so here we go...
top 10 buck up songs
(these are the songs i listen to when i am mopey and need to snap out of it)
"say goodbye good" by the promise ring
"the valley" by sarah masen
"here comes the sun" by the beatles
"with a little help from my friends" by the beatles
"getting better" by the beatles
"philosophy" by ben folds
"this year" by the mountain goats
"you can't always get what you want" by the rolling stones
"section 14 (two thousand places)" by the polyphonic spree
"hoppipolla" by sigur ros
(i have a song-by-song explanation of this playlist but decided to leave it out because it felt a little self-indulgent. if you're curious, i can post that also...probably on the comments of this post.)
alright...now it's your turn. what song(s) lift(s) you up from the depths and prepare(s) you to re-enter the world as a more empowered person? readygo.
i've decided that when i have nothing really personal and current to say, i'm going to talk about music. i'm going to start compiling lists of songs. my rules for myself are:
1) to have lists of no more than 10 songs
2) to use only music that is on my ipod (just so i don't get overwhelmed by trying to think of every song in the world)
3) to list the songs in no particular order. the point here is for simplicity. i'm not trying to be critical here...not necessarily making any sort of musical statement. i'm just going for a good playlist and inviting you--yes you--to join in the conversation.
that's it. so here we go...
top 10 buck up songs
(these are the songs i listen to when i am mopey and need to snap out of it)
"say goodbye good" by the promise ring
"the valley" by sarah masen
"here comes the sun" by the beatles
"with a little help from my friends" by the beatles
"getting better" by the beatles
"philosophy" by ben folds
"this year" by the mountain goats
"you can't always get what you want" by the rolling stones
"section 14 (two thousand places)" by the polyphonic spree
"hoppipolla" by sigur ros
(i have a song-by-song explanation of this playlist but decided to leave it out because it felt a little self-indulgent. if you're curious, i can post that also...probably on the comments of this post.)
alright...now it's your turn. what song(s) lift(s) you up from the depths and prepare(s) you to re-enter the world as a more empowered person? readygo.
9.10.2008
let it be said of me
when i interviewed for this job, i was told repeatedly: "you work for department chairs, not all the other 70 odd professors in your departments. they will ask you for work, and you'll have to say, 'no.' you'll be way too busy to handle their work on top of everything else." now, i'm not saying that i was lied to. but. i still have whole stretches of days when i have nothing to do. i think the cause of this is 3-fold: 1) i'm still learning what i'm supposed to be doing. it's possible that i don't yet know every single thing for which i am responsible. 2) just about everything on my "to do" list requires at least one--but usually several--level(s) of approval from people who are way busier than i am. 3) jason thinks that maybe i have an over-developed, super-human work ethic. i don't think this is true. maybe i inherited my mom's hyper-thyroid, although one of the primary differences between my mom and me is that i am perfectly capable of sitting still and doing absolutely nothing for long stretches of time...at least when i'm at home. and maybe that's the ticket: when i am in an atmosphere where i am comfortable, i have no problem relaxing and enjoying having nothing to do. but when i am in a place where i feel awkward, i have the insatiable compulsion to be helpful.
sometimes i wish i were a different sort of person...one who could fill her downtime at work with office chit-chat and attempts to build relationships with my co-workers. even here where i really enjoy all of the people i work with, where i actually want to get to know them, even--gasp--be friends with them, i find it extremely difficult to overcome my "i don't want to bother anyone" complex and initiate--or even participate in--friendly interactions. weird, right? i'm a friendly person. i like people (mostly). i'm not exceptionally awkward or intimidatable.
but i think different spheres hold different values for me. if you asked me on any given day, "what is the most important thing on earth?", i would probably say "community, people, relationships," and i believe this. there is not a single more important investment of time and energy and love than another human being. (some might argue personal devotion to God, but i happen to believe that our devotion to God is meant to be lived out in the context of community. i think Jesus believes this, too.)
but in the context of a work environment, my primary values are productivity, efficiency, and competence. when my coworkers talk about me, what i would most want them to say is, "robin is really good at her job. when i need something done right and quickly, she's the one to go to. i can always count on her. she can do it all." not to be braggy, but that's been my reputation at every job i've ever had. i am a work horse. i go the extra mile. and i'm proud of that. i think my coworkers all think i'm nice and pleasant. but they don't know that i'm also deep and passionate. they have no idea that i have more to offer than copier-unjamming skills and fast turn-around times. and i don't feel compelled to show them. in my 5 or so years of working, i can count the number of deep, meaningful conversations with a coworker on one hand. pretty crazy, huh? cause i love deep, meaningful conversations. but the opportunities aren't readily available, and i don't seek them out. because when i am at work, that busy-busy-busy compulsion takes over and the rest of robin goes to sleep.
this got me thinking, if i hold different values in the different roles and arenas of my life, what do i want to be said of me everywhere else?
at work: that i am efficient, reliable, and speedyquick
in my marriage: that i am fun, supportive, and easy to love
with my friends: that i am imaginative and deep and a good listener
at church: that i am helpful, wise beyond my years, and friendly
for my family: that i am high-spirited, loving, and available
for myself: that i am talented, passionate, and competent
and everywhere: that i am honest, creative, and smart.
this isn't to say that i actually am all of these things. in fact, i'm mostly not these things. i fail to reach these ideals a lot, especially with my family. if you asked anyone in my family if i am "available," they would probably either laugh or cry. and if you asked jason if i am "easy to love," he would probably be more nice than honest. but these are the things that i really want to be.
how about you? what do you want to be said of you in the many spheres of your life?
(and yes, this may or may not be a shameless plea for comments. but i'm also curious. and i think it's a good thing to think about. so....readygo!!)
sometimes i wish i were a different sort of person...one who could fill her downtime at work with office chit-chat and attempts to build relationships with my co-workers. even here where i really enjoy all of the people i work with, where i actually want to get to know them, even--gasp--be friends with them, i find it extremely difficult to overcome my "i don't want to bother anyone" complex and initiate--or even participate in--friendly interactions. weird, right? i'm a friendly person. i like people (mostly). i'm not exceptionally awkward or intimidatable.
but i think different spheres hold different values for me. if you asked me on any given day, "what is the most important thing on earth?", i would probably say "community, people, relationships," and i believe this. there is not a single more important investment of time and energy and love than another human being. (some might argue personal devotion to God, but i happen to believe that our devotion to God is meant to be lived out in the context of community. i think Jesus believes this, too.)
but in the context of a work environment, my primary values are productivity, efficiency, and competence. when my coworkers talk about me, what i would most want them to say is, "robin is really good at her job. when i need something done right and quickly, she's the one to go to. i can always count on her. she can do it all." not to be braggy, but that's been my reputation at every job i've ever had. i am a work horse. i go the extra mile. and i'm proud of that. i think my coworkers all think i'm nice and pleasant. but they don't know that i'm also deep and passionate. they have no idea that i have more to offer than copier-unjamming skills and fast turn-around times. and i don't feel compelled to show them. in my 5 or so years of working, i can count the number of deep, meaningful conversations with a coworker on one hand. pretty crazy, huh? cause i love deep, meaningful conversations. but the opportunities aren't readily available, and i don't seek them out. because when i am at work, that busy-busy-busy compulsion takes over and the rest of robin goes to sleep.
this got me thinking, if i hold different values in the different roles and arenas of my life, what do i want to be said of me everywhere else?
at work: that i am efficient, reliable, and speedyquick
in my marriage: that i am fun, supportive, and easy to love
with my friends: that i am imaginative and deep and a good listener
at church: that i am helpful, wise beyond my years, and friendly
for my family: that i am high-spirited, loving, and available
for myself: that i am talented, passionate, and competent
and everywhere: that i am honest, creative, and smart.
this isn't to say that i actually am all of these things. in fact, i'm mostly not these things. i fail to reach these ideals a lot, especially with my family. if you asked anyone in my family if i am "available," they would probably either laugh or cry. and if you asked jason if i am "easy to love," he would probably be more nice than honest. but these are the things that i really want to be.
how about you? what do you want to be said of you in the many spheres of your life?
(and yes, this may or may not be a shameless plea for comments. but i'm also curious. and i think it's a good thing to think about. so....readygo!!)
9.03.2008
rest for the weary
man oh man has this been a crazy summer! here's a little recap of my weekends:
july 4th- jason's sister jenna comes to visit
july 11th- pack for move
july 18th- move into new apartment
july 25th- a few days with my sisters and brothers-in-law in south carolina, robbie and lauren's wedding
august 1st- day trip to new jersey
august 8th- hannah and josh's wedding in seattle
august 15th- emily and devin's wedding in minnesota, start new job on monday
august 22nd- finish unpacking
august 29th- day trip to old sturbridge village and my parents come to visit
september 5th- last weekend before jason starts school
it's been so wonderful to be able to see so much of our friends and family this summer. i'm so thankful that jason and i have such quality people in our lives, even if they are all spread out across the country. it was so refreshing to reconnect with people who have seen us grow and know us so well and who we can be 100% ourselves around without even trying. (i'm even thankful for the job--that i never have to go back to ever ever again--that allowed us to save some money for travelling this summer.)
and as restful and life-giving as all that community/reconnection was, boy am i glad to be in one place for a little while!! our summer adventures included about 35 hours of driving, 10 flights, 6 states, 4 family visits, 3 weddings, switching homes, switching jobs, and jason starting at a new school. it was definitely better than last summer (new marriage, pneumonia, moving to a new state/culture, new jobs, new church, new everything). it was a rocky start to a new life to say the least. way too many transitions, way too little time to enjoy being a wife and having a husband. but now, we feel like we finally have the life we set out to get last year. jason's starting school, i'm working at gordon, we're living on campus, and we're starting our second year of youth ministry (which we pray will be easier than the first). :o)
and i am like a different person, or rather...like the person i used to be. now, i don't go to bed at night hoping that i'll be sick the next morning. i don't lay in bed in the morning rationalizing how crappy i need to feel to justify calling in. i just go to bed and wake up (still very slowly--still so not a morning person), and i start my day. i go to work, and i have work to do, and sometimes i go to the gym afterwards, and when i get home, there is still plenty of time left in the day! it's truly amazing the difference having an afternoon makes. and i get to be in a setting that i care about, where i get to be creative now and then, and where i am constantly learning. i don't think this is my forever job--i'm realizing more and more how much i want to teach--but it's really ideal for the moment and hopefully for the next few years.
so here's to a new start. here's to a new home and a new job, both of which make it so much easier to see the new mercies God has in store.
july 4th- jason's sister jenna comes to visit
july 11th- pack for move
july 18th- move into new apartment
july 25th- a few days with my sisters and brothers-in-law in south carolina, robbie and lauren's wedding
august 1st- day trip to new jersey
august 8th- hannah and josh's wedding in seattle
august 15th- emily and devin's wedding in minnesota, start new job on monday
august 22nd- finish unpacking
august 29th- day trip to old sturbridge village and my parents come to visit
september 5th- last weekend before jason starts school
it's been so wonderful to be able to see so much of our friends and family this summer. i'm so thankful that jason and i have such quality people in our lives, even if they are all spread out across the country. it was so refreshing to reconnect with people who have seen us grow and know us so well and who we can be 100% ourselves around without even trying. (i'm even thankful for the job--that i never have to go back to ever ever again--that allowed us to save some money for travelling this summer.)
and as restful and life-giving as all that community/reconnection was, boy am i glad to be in one place for a little while!! our summer adventures included about 35 hours of driving, 10 flights, 6 states, 4 family visits, 3 weddings, switching homes, switching jobs, and jason starting at a new school. it was definitely better than last summer (new marriage, pneumonia, moving to a new state/culture, new jobs, new church, new everything). it was a rocky start to a new life to say the least. way too many transitions, way too little time to enjoy being a wife and having a husband. but now, we feel like we finally have the life we set out to get last year. jason's starting school, i'm working at gordon, we're living on campus, and we're starting our second year of youth ministry (which we pray will be easier than the first). :o)
and i am like a different person, or rather...like the person i used to be. now, i don't go to bed at night hoping that i'll be sick the next morning. i don't lay in bed in the morning rationalizing how crappy i need to feel to justify calling in. i just go to bed and wake up (still very slowly--still so not a morning person), and i start my day. i go to work, and i have work to do, and sometimes i go to the gym afterwards, and when i get home, there is still plenty of time left in the day! it's truly amazing the difference having an afternoon makes. and i get to be in a setting that i care about, where i get to be creative now and then, and where i am constantly learning. i don't think this is my forever job--i'm realizing more and more how much i want to teach--but it's really ideal for the moment and hopefully for the next few years.
so here's to a new start. here's to a new home and a new job, both of which make it so much easier to see the new mercies God has in store.
8.06.2008
new beginnings
welp...it's been almost a month since my last post, and quite a bit has happened. (so if this blog is the only forum from which you receive news from the little world of robin giberson lawrenz, i'm deeply sorry for my neglect.) here's what's been going on:
-jason and i moved into our new apartment on the gordon-conwell campus. it's a cute little two bedroom with a much larger kitchen than the one we had, and we're using the second bedroom as a guest room/study/craft space. pretty exciting, huh? i think so, too. we even ordered new couches, which will be arriving at some point within the next several weeks, and until then, we're using blow-up mattresses and pillows covered with blankets, fashioned to be somewhat couch-shaped. it's actually really comfortable, and a few of the youth group guys didn't even notice that it wasn't a real couch, so jason and i are kinda wondering why we bothered buying new ones. hmm...
-jason and i also celebrated our one year anniversary!! we went out to dinner and watched our wedding video and ate our cake that had been sitting in the freezer for a year. we were a little nervous about that part because we'd been warned that year-old wedding cake is not a pleasant experience. however, ours was actually still quite delicious...for the first few bites. (we threw the rest away.) but it was still definitely worth following the tradition. also, we had the greatest wedding of all time. now, you're probably thinking that i'm a little biased on that front. but seriously. best. ever. ask anyone who was there. our wedding kicked some serious tail. and i think we deserved it considering the 2 year engagement (bad idea), tireless hours of planning (so that every single little detail would be perfect--and it was), and the worst honeymoon of all time (which started out with pneumonia, followed by weeks of recovery). it's been strange thinking about how this time last august, i was just getting out of the hospital in Jersey (after God--in cooperation with a lot of praying people organized by one mr. devin goulding--worked some major miracles to get me there), pleased as peaches that no one had to drain anything out of my lungs with a needle, and finally cured by a magical leandro barbosa jersey. (i have the very best friends in the world.) since then, jason and i moved somewhere we've never been (where i knew a grand total of two people and he knew zero), started new jobs, and tried to figure out how to be married. a lot of craziness, but i wouldn't have had it any other way. jason is the very greatest husband ever, so easy to love and so eager to make me happy. go ahead. be jealous. he's just that wonderful. :o)
-in other news, i got a new job!!! i have 3 days left at csl, and 2 weddings to be in (hannah and josh and emily and devin are getting married!!! woohoo!!!), and i will be starting on august 18th as the administrative assistant for the department chairs of humanities and social sciences at gordon college!!! i will work 8:30-4:30, have free access to gordon's gym, three weeks of paid vacation, and i might actually have work to do at work!!! (in fact, in the interview, i was told about 7 times that i will have too much work to do and will have to learn to say no to people.) i'm really excited about getting to work for professors so i can get a little better of a feel for whether or not that's what i want to be when i grow up. and i can take undergrad classes for free, and if i work there for a few years, i can get reduced tuition for grad classes (masters in education, maybe with a concentration in the montessori method), and jason can get reduced tuition at gordon-conwell. so...needless to say, i'm pretty excited about all that.
so lots of new beginnings. it's kind of like we're starting over...new home, new job, jason will be starting at a new school. and i'm hoping that this year will be better than the last one. don't get me wrong. marriage has been wonderful. and i love new england. and our church has been fantastic. but i've been really...tired. 9-5:30, 5 days a week of a job that is unchallenging, uninteresting, and almost anti-creative...it's taken a toll on me. it's been really hard. so i'm hoping that this new job allows me a little more freedom to be myself so when i get home from work (a full hour earlier!), i just might have the time and the energy to be the person, the wife, the friend, the artist, that i want to be. here's hoping... :o)
-jason and i moved into our new apartment on the gordon-conwell campus. it's a cute little two bedroom with a much larger kitchen than the one we had, and we're using the second bedroom as a guest room/study/craft space. pretty exciting, huh? i think so, too. we even ordered new couches, which will be arriving at some point within the next several weeks, and until then, we're using blow-up mattresses and pillows covered with blankets, fashioned to be somewhat couch-shaped. it's actually really comfortable, and a few of the youth group guys didn't even notice that it wasn't a real couch, so jason and i are kinda wondering why we bothered buying new ones. hmm...
-jason and i also celebrated our one year anniversary!! we went out to dinner and watched our wedding video and ate our cake that had been sitting in the freezer for a year. we were a little nervous about that part because we'd been warned that year-old wedding cake is not a pleasant experience. however, ours was actually still quite delicious...for the first few bites. (we threw the rest away.) but it was still definitely worth following the tradition. also, we had the greatest wedding of all time. now, you're probably thinking that i'm a little biased on that front. but seriously. best. ever. ask anyone who was there. our wedding kicked some serious tail. and i think we deserved it considering the 2 year engagement (bad idea), tireless hours of planning (so that every single little detail would be perfect--and it was), and the worst honeymoon of all time (which started out with pneumonia, followed by weeks of recovery). it's been strange thinking about how this time last august, i was just getting out of the hospital in Jersey (after God--in cooperation with a lot of praying people organized by one mr. devin goulding--worked some major miracles to get me there), pleased as peaches that no one had to drain anything out of my lungs with a needle, and finally cured by a magical leandro barbosa jersey. (i have the very best friends in the world.) since then, jason and i moved somewhere we've never been (where i knew a grand total of two people and he knew zero), started new jobs, and tried to figure out how to be married. a lot of craziness, but i wouldn't have had it any other way. jason is the very greatest husband ever, so easy to love and so eager to make me happy. go ahead. be jealous. he's just that wonderful. :o)
-in other news, i got a new job!!! i have 3 days left at csl, and 2 weddings to be in (hannah and josh and emily and devin are getting married!!! woohoo!!!), and i will be starting on august 18th as the administrative assistant for the department chairs of humanities and social sciences at gordon college!!! i will work 8:30-4:30, have free access to gordon's gym, three weeks of paid vacation, and i might actually have work to do at work!!! (in fact, in the interview, i was told about 7 times that i will have too much work to do and will have to learn to say no to people.) i'm really excited about getting to work for professors so i can get a little better of a feel for whether or not that's what i want to be when i grow up. and i can take undergrad classes for free, and if i work there for a few years, i can get reduced tuition for grad classes (masters in education, maybe with a concentration in the montessori method), and jason can get reduced tuition at gordon-conwell. so...needless to say, i'm pretty excited about all that.
so lots of new beginnings. it's kind of like we're starting over...new home, new job, jason will be starting at a new school. and i'm hoping that this year will be better than the last one. don't get me wrong. marriage has been wonderful. and i love new england. and our church has been fantastic. but i've been really...tired. 9-5:30, 5 days a week of a job that is unchallenging, uninteresting, and almost anti-creative...it's taken a toll on me. it's been really hard. so i'm hoping that this new job allows me a little more freedom to be myself so when i get home from work (a full hour earlier!), i just might have the time and the energy to be the person, the wife, the friend, the artist, that i want to be. here's hoping... :o)
7.10.2008
stewardship
i've recently had a little epiphany about stewardship. i've been subconsciously thinking that stewardship is making as much money as possible and using that money well. as part of that, i've felt like it's bad stewardship to be poor when you don't have to be. but the other day, i realized that money is not the utmost aspect of stewardship. being a good steward involves every aspect of a person's potential and resources. pursuing my God-given identity, being authentic to who He created me to be, and using the gifts He's given me to the utmost, are more important than making sure jason and i have everything that we need and that we will never want for anything.
now i bet you're thinking "wow...some epiphany. looks more like a no-brainer than an epiphany." and you're right. if you had asked me at any given point of my life if i believed that living to your potential and using your gifts are more important and more relevant to good stewardship than making lots of money, i would have said, "of course." but it's one thing to give mental ascent to those kinds of truths. it's another thing entirely to actually live as if those truths were true.
if i lived an authentic life, if i lived with the strong conviction that God made me for a purpose and with a commitment to pursue that purpose, wouldn't life look drastically different? wouldn't that be the life of passion and adventure that i so desperately crave?
reality (read "cynicism") check here: yes, robin. if by "adventure" you mean struggling to make ends meet, that's exactly what throwing caution to the wind and running hard after "fulfillment" would look like. and you can't just go gallivanting around, chasing whatever moves you in the moment. you have responsibilities now. you can no longer just worry about your own interests. you're mom can't make dinner for you every night. you have rent and bills to pay. you don't have everything handed to you anymore. you need to work for it. you need to not be so selfish.
and in response to that, i'm reminded of the book i read and quoted a few months back (let your life speak by parker j. palmer). unfortunately, i don't have it with me right now. but at one point, palmer talks about how living according to one's authentic identity is not a selfish act. trying to live someone else's life has great potential for doing more harm than good. the choice of what kind of life you are going to live should be determined by where your gifts and passions meet the world's needs. reversing that equation is a perfect recipe for burnout and dissatisfaction and bitterness. but when we look at the needs of our world, our communities, our families in light of who we are and what we are most crafted to give, meeting those needs would be such joy and fulfillment and not the burden and drudgery of living every day from empty stores. palmer really is so much more eloquent than i am. maybe in my words, it seems like self-justification. but in his words, it seems like the only reasonable way to live.
and so, the ever-nagging question: what does this look like? how can i practically pursue authenticity and purpose today? i'm thinking it probably will have something to do with a little flexibility on my part. because i don't think living an authentic life has to be reckless. as much as i would love to quit my job and go back to school this fall, my bills won't pay themselves. so maybe it's online classes. maybe it's reading some non-fiction relevant to what i want to do in place of the escapist young adult fantasy i love so much. maybe it's risking a conversation with my co-workers so i can bring in something interesting or creative to work on in my copious down-time. maybe it is finding somewhere else that will allow me to use my gifts and still pay my rent. i don't know. but this little revelation requires something of me, something hard, but something that has the potential to expose me to the spark of inspiration i've been missing.
i'm open to suggestions. any ideas??
now i bet you're thinking "wow...some epiphany. looks more like a no-brainer than an epiphany." and you're right. if you had asked me at any given point of my life if i believed that living to your potential and using your gifts are more important and more relevant to good stewardship than making lots of money, i would have said, "of course." but it's one thing to give mental ascent to those kinds of truths. it's another thing entirely to actually live as if those truths were true.
if i lived an authentic life, if i lived with the strong conviction that God made me for a purpose and with a commitment to pursue that purpose, wouldn't life look drastically different? wouldn't that be the life of passion and adventure that i so desperately crave?
reality (read "cynicism") check here: yes, robin. if by "adventure" you mean struggling to make ends meet, that's exactly what throwing caution to the wind and running hard after "fulfillment" would look like. and you can't just go gallivanting around, chasing whatever moves you in the moment. you have responsibilities now. you can no longer just worry about your own interests. you're mom can't make dinner for you every night. you have rent and bills to pay. you don't have everything handed to you anymore. you need to work for it. you need to not be so selfish.
and in response to that, i'm reminded of the book i read and quoted a few months back (let your life speak by parker j. palmer). unfortunately, i don't have it with me right now. but at one point, palmer talks about how living according to one's authentic identity is not a selfish act. trying to live someone else's life has great potential for doing more harm than good. the choice of what kind of life you are going to live should be determined by where your gifts and passions meet the world's needs. reversing that equation is a perfect recipe for burnout and dissatisfaction and bitterness. but when we look at the needs of our world, our communities, our families in light of who we are and what we are most crafted to give, meeting those needs would be such joy and fulfillment and not the burden and drudgery of living every day from empty stores. palmer really is so much more eloquent than i am. maybe in my words, it seems like self-justification. but in his words, it seems like the only reasonable way to live.
and so, the ever-nagging question: what does this look like? how can i practically pursue authenticity and purpose today? i'm thinking it probably will have something to do with a little flexibility on my part. because i don't think living an authentic life has to be reckless. as much as i would love to quit my job and go back to school this fall, my bills won't pay themselves. so maybe it's online classes. maybe it's reading some non-fiction relevant to what i want to do in place of the escapist young adult fantasy i love so much. maybe it's risking a conversation with my co-workers so i can bring in something interesting or creative to work on in my copious down-time. maybe it is finding somewhere else that will allow me to use my gifts and still pay my rent. i don't know. but this little revelation requires something of me, something hard, but something that has the potential to expose me to the spark of inspiration i've been missing.
i'm open to suggestions. any ideas??
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
