here's a little food for thought from sacred rhythms: arranging our lives for spiritual transformation by ruth haley barton:
"your desire for more of God than you have right now, your longing for love, your need for deeper levels of spiritual transformation than you have experienced so far is the truest thing about you. you might think that your woundedness or your sinfulness is the truest thing about you or that your giftedness or your personality type or your job title or your identity as husband or wife, mother or father, somehow defines you. but in reality, it is your desire for God and your capacity to reach for more of God than you have right now that is the deepest essence of who you are."
what would my life look like if i lived as if that were true?
11.10.2008
11.05.2008
david dark, the Kingdom, and hospitality
first of all, here is a link to a david dark talking head which he posted on his blog yesterday. secondly, let me say that david dark is a person who makes me truly believe that the Kingdom has come and that living as if that were true is actually a real possibility.
towards the end of this little video, he mentions "hospitality." maybe God is just trying to teach me something, but i've seen "hospitality" popping up all over the place in the past couple of months. theme of orientation chapel at gordon: hospitality. theme of my church's women's retreat: hospitality. a main emphasis in my seminary wives class: hospitality. i'm reading a book about spiritual direction--first chapter: welcoming the stranger--hospitality! and now david dark: hospitality, a vital part of living out Jesus' teachings.
i think i've always instinctively known the importance of hospitality. for those of you who know my mom at all, i'm sure you can find that very easily believe. my house was always the social gathering place. my mom always had chocolate chip cookies made when friends came over, even into my college years. she teaches her basket-weaving classes out of our home, and even though that's a business, she still makes sure that people are comfortable and free to share their lives, and in that, she models "welcoming the stranger." at different points while i was growing up, we had at least 7 different non-family members living at our house for long periods of time. we even had about a dozen or so people staying at our house for 4 days before mine and jason's wedding. (turns out that that may have been a crazy idea, but it seemed like a very natural thing to do.)
as i'm learning more about hospitality, i'm starting to understand that it's not just about having people over and making sure the house is presentable and baking cookies, (although i put great stock in the spiritual significance of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies). hospitality is about creating space in every encounter to see the image of God in people, to make them feel safe and valued, even in brief encounters. it's about really listening to them. it's about being vulnerable and inviting them to take part in your life, sharing from the abundance or the meagerness of whatever you have. david dark would add that it's about finding people interesting. (one of his quotes from rock n roll camp that is forever burned into my memory is, "i think there's something a little demonic in finding people uninteresting.")
now if all that is true--and i believe that it is--there is something that is required of me, and it's more than just making nice with people or having them over for dinner. it's a Kingdom calling. it's a lifestyle that--like jason's junior year chapel message--calls us to abandon the arrogance of "bringing Jesus to people" and instead forces us to see Jesus in people. yes, there is a danger of pantheism in seeing God in everyone, but i think the bigger danger comes when we make people invisible, when we fail to recognize the eternal significance of another person.
we all know the matthew 25 passage where Jesus says, "if you have done it to the least of these, you have done it to me." and what's He talking about here? clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, tending the sick, visiting the imprisoned--hospitality!! and when we do those things--whether it is taking care of people's physical needs or clothing the emotionally naked, feeding the intellectually hungry, tending the spiritually sick, or visiting the psychologically imprisoned--we do those things to Jesus. and that takes the martyrdom out of service and replaces it with high privilege..and some holy trembling if you ask me.
i'm rambling a bit here. i guess what i mainly want to know is: is hospitality popping up in your world, too? if so, what are you learning about it? what are you finding challenging about it? where are you meeting God in it? how do we change its connotation from the work of quaint little pastors' wives to a subversive and Kingdom-coming activity? what do you think of when you hear "the hospitality of Jesus" or "the hospitality of the cross" or "the hospitality of God"? or maybe you were struck by some completely different aspect of David Dark's video: creation care, Jesus as "the bloke who tried to help," or something else entirely. any immediate reactions?? any thoughts??
towards the end of this little video, he mentions "hospitality." maybe God is just trying to teach me something, but i've seen "hospitality" popping up all over the place in the past couple of months. theme of orientation chapel at gordon: hospitality. theme of my church's women's retreat: hospitality. a main emphasis in my seminary wives class: hospitality. i'm reading a book about spiritual direction--first chapter: welcoming the stranger--hospitality! and now david dark: hospitality, a vital part of living out Jesus' teachings.
i think i've always instinctively known the importance of hospitality. for those of you who know my mom at all, i'm sure you can find that very easily believe. my house was always the social gathering place. my mom always had chocolate chip cookies made when friends came over, even into my college years. she teaches her basket-weaving classes out of our home, and even though that's a business, she still makes sure that people are comfortable and free to share their lives, and in that, she models "welcoming the stranger." at different points while i was growing up, we had at least 7 different non-family members living at our house for long periods of time. we even had about a dozen or so people staying at our house for 4 days before mine and jason's wedding. (turns out that that may have been a crazy idea, but it seemed like a very natural thing to do.)
as i'm learning more about hospitality, i'm starting to understand that it's not just about having people over and making sure the house is presentable and baking cookies, (although i put great stock in the spiritual significance of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies). hospitality is about creating space in every encounter to see the image of God in people, to make them feel safe and valued, even in brief encounters. it's about really listening to them. it's about being vulnerable and inviting them to take part in your life, sharing from the abundance or the meagerness of whatever you have. david dark would add that it's about finding people interesting. (one of his quotes from rock n roll camp that is forever burned into my memory is, "i think there's something a little demonic in finding people uninteresting.")
now if all that is true--and i believe that it is--there is something that is required of me, and it's more than just making nice with people or having them over for dinner. it's a Kingdom calling. it's a lifestyle that--like jason's junior year chapel message--calls us to abandon the arrogance of "bringing Jesus to people" and instead forces us to see Jesus in people. yes, there is a danger of pantheism in seeing God in everyone, but i think the bigger danger comes when we make people invisible, when we fail to recognize the eternal significance of another person.
we all know the matthew 25 passage where Jesus says, "if you have done it to the least of these, you have done it to me." and what's He talking about here? clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, tending the sick, visiting the imprisoned--hospitality!! and when we do those things--whether it is taking care of people's physical needs or clothing the emotionally naked, feeding the intellectually hungry, tending the spiritually sick, or visiting the psychologically imprisoned--we do those things to Jesus. and that takes the martyrdom out of service and replaces it with high privilege..and some holy trembling if you ask me.
i'm rambling a bit here. i guess what i mainly want to know is: is hospitality popping up in your world, too? if so, what are you learning about it? what are you finding challenging about it? where are you meeting God in it? how do we change its connotation from the work of quaint little pastors' wives to a subversive and Kingdom-coming activity? what do you think of when you hear "the hospitality of Jesus" or "the hospitality of the cross" or "the hospitality of God"? or maybe you were struck by some completely different aspect of David Dark's video: creation care, Jesus as "the bloke who tried to help," or something else entirely. any immediate reactions?? any thoughts??
10.30.2008
buck up
so it's been quite a while since i've posted. i've been writing quite a bit but haven't posted for any number of reasons. but as i looked today and saw that i am quickly approaching the 2 month mark of blog neglect, i figured i should post something.
i've decided that when i have nothing really personal and current to say, i'm going to talk about music. i'm going to start compiling lists of songs. my rules for myself are:
1) to have lists of no more than 10 songs
2) to use only music that is on my ipod (just so i don't get overwhelmed by trying to think of every song in the world)
3) to list the songs in no particular order. the point here is for simplicity. i'm not trying to be critical here...not necessarily making any sort of musical statement. i'm just going for a good playlist and inviting you--yes you--to join in the conversation.
that's it. so here we go...
top 10 buck up songs
(these are the songs i listen to when i am mopey and need to snap out of it)
"say goodbye good" by the promise ring
"the valley" by sarah masen
"here comes the sun" by the beatles
"with a little help from my friends" by the beatles
"getting better" by the beatles
"philosophy" by ben folds
"this year" by the mountain goats
"you can't always get what you want" by the rolling stones
"section 14 (two thousand places)" by the polyphonic spree
"hoppipolla" by sigur ros
(i have a song-by-song explanation of this playlist but decided to leave it out because it felt a little self-indulgent. if you're curious, i can post that also...probably on the comments of this post.)
alright...now it's your turn. what song(s) lift(s) you up from the depths and prepare(s) you to re-enter the world as a more empowered person? readygo.
i've decided that when i have nothing really personal and current to say, i'm going to talk about music. i'm going to start compiling lists of songs. my rules for myself are:
1) to have lists of no more than 10 songs
2) to use only music that is on my ipod (just so i don't get overwhelmed by trying to think of every song in the world)
3) to list the songs in no particular order. the point here is for simplicity. i'm not trying to be critical here...not necessarily making any sort of musical statement. i'm just going for a good playlist and inviting you--yes you--to join in the conversation.
that's it. so here we go...
top 10 buck up songs
(these are the songs i listen to when i am mopey and need to snap out of it)
"say goodbye good" by the promise ring
"the valley" by sarah masen
"here comes the sun" by the beatles
"with a little help from my friends" by the beatles
"getting better" by the beatles
"philosophy" by ben folds
"this year" by the mountain goats
"you can't always get what you want" by the rolling stones
"section 14 (two thousand places)" by the polyphonic spree
"hoppipolla" by sigur ros
(i have a song-by-song explanation of this playlist but decided to leave it out because it felt a little self-indulgent. if you're curious, i can post that also...probably on the comments of this post.)
alright...now it's your turn. what song(s) lift(s) you up from the depths and prepare(s) you to re-enter the world as a more empowered person? readygo.
9.10.2008
let it be said of me
when i interviewed for this job, i was told repeatedly: "you work for department chairs, not all the other 70 odd professors in your departments. they will ask you for work, and you'll have to say, 'no.' you'll be way too busy to handle their work on top of everything else." now, i'm not saying that i was lied to. but. i still have whole stretches of days when i have nothing to do. i think the cause of this is 3-fold: 1) i'm still learning what i'm supposed to be doing. it's possible that i don't yet know every single thing for which i am responsible. 2) just about everything on my "to do" list requires at least one--but usually several--level(s) of approval from people who are way busier than i am. 3) jason thinks that maybe i have an over-developed, super-human work ethic. i don't think this is true. maybe i inherited my mom's hyper-thyroid, although one of the primary differences between my mom and me is that i am perfectly capable of sitting still and doing absolutely nothing for long stretches of time...at least when i'm at home. and maybe that's the ticket: when i am in an atmosphere where i am comfortable, i have no problem relaxing and enjoying having nothing to do. but when i am in a place where i feel awkward, i have the insatiable compulsion to be helpful.
sometimes i wish i were a different sort of person...one who could fill her downtime at work with office chit-chat and attempts to build relationships with my co-workers. even here where i really enjoy all of the people i work with, where i actually want to get to know them, even--gasp--be friends with them, i find it extremely difficult to overcome my "i don't want to bother anyone" complex and initiate--or even participate in--friendly interactions. weird, right? i'm a friendly person. i like people (mostly). i'm not exceptionally awkward or intimidatable.
but i think different spheres hold different values for me. if you asked me on any given day, "what is the most important thing on earth?", i would probably say "community, people, relationships," and i believe this. there is not a single more important investment of time and energy and love than another human being. (some might argue personal devotion to God, but i happen to believe that our devotion to God is meant to be lived out in the context of community. i think Jesus believes this, too.)
but in the context of a work environment, my primary values are productivity, efficiency, and competence. when my coworkers talk about me, what i would most want them to say is, "robin is really good at her job. when i need something done right and quickly, she's the one to go to. i can always count on her. she can do it all." not to be braggy, but that's been my reputation at every job i've ever had. i am a work horse. i go the extra mile. and i'm proud of that. i think my coworkers all think i'm nice and pleasant. but they don't know that i'm also deep and passionate. they have no idea that i have more to offer than copier-unjamming skills and fast turn-around times. and i don't feel compelled to show them. in my 5 or so years of working, i can count the number of deep, meaningful conversations with a coworker on one hand. pretty crazy, huh? cause i love deep, meaningful conversations. but the opportunities aren't readily available, and i don't seek them out. because when i am at work, that busy-busy-busy compulsion takes over and the rest of robin goes to sleep.
this got me thinking, if i hold different values in the different roles and arenas of my life, what do i want to be said of me everywhere else?
at work: that i am efficient, reliable, and speedyquick
in my marriage: that i am fun, supportive, and easy to love
with my friends: that i am imaginative and deep and a good listener
at church: that i am helpful, wise beyond my years, and friendly
for my family: that i am high-spirited, loving, and available
for myself: that i am talented, passionate, and competent
and everywhere: that i am honest, creative, and smart.
this isn't to say that i actually am all of these things. in fact, i'm mostly not these things. i fail to reach these ideals a lot, especially with my family. if you asked anyone in my family if i am "available," they would probably either laugh or cry. and if you asked jason if i am "easy to love," he would probably be more nice than honest. but these are the things that i really want to be.
how about you? what do you want to be said of you in the many spheres of your life?
(and yes, this may or may not be a shameless plea for comments. but i'm also curious. and i think it's a good thing to think about. so....readygo!!)
sometimes i wish i were a different sort of person...one who could fill her downtime at work with office chit-chat and attempts to build relationships with my co-workers. even here where i really enjoy all of the people i work with, where i actually want to get to know them, even--gasp--be friends with them, i find it extremely difficult to overcome my "i don't want to bother anyone" complex and initiate--or even participate in--friendly interactions. weird, right? i'm a friendly person. i like people (mostly). i'm not exceptionally awkward or intimidatable.
but i think different spheres hold different values for me. if you asked me on any given day, "what is the most important thing on earth?", i would probably say "community, people, relationships," and i believe this. there is not a single more important investment of time and energy and love than another human being. (some might argue personal devotion to God, but i happen to believe that our devotion to God is meant to be lived out in the context of community. i think Jesus believes this, too.)
but in the context of a work environment, my primary values are productivity, efficiency, and competence. when my coworkers talk about me, what i would most want them to say is, "robin is really good at her job. when i need something done right and quickly, she's the one to go to. i can always count on her. she can do it all." not to be braggy, but that's been my reputation at every job i've ever had. i am a work horse. i go the extra mile. and i'm proud of that. i think my coworkers all think i'm nice and pleasant. but they don't know that i'm also deep and passionate. they have no idea that i have more to offer than copier-unjamming skills and fast turn-around times. and i don't feel compelled to show them. in my 5 or so years of working, i can count the number of deep, meaningful conversations with a coworker on one hand. pretty crazy, huh? cause i love deep, meaningful conversations. but the opportunities aren't readily available, and i don't seek them out. because when i am at work, that busy-busy-busy compulsion takes over and the rest of robin goes to sleep.
this got me thinking, if i hold different values in the different roles and arenas of my life, what do i want to be said of me everywhere else?
at work: that i am efficient, reliable, and speedyquick
in my marriage: that i am fun, supportive, and easy to love
with my friends: that i am imaginative and deep and a good listener
at church: that i am helpful, wise beyond my years, and friendly
for my family: that i am high-spirited, loving, and available
for myself: that i am talented, passionate, and competent
and everywhere: that i am honest, creative, and smart.
this isn't to say that i actually am all of these things. in fact, i'm mostly not these things. i fail to reach these ideals a lot, especially with my family. if you asked anyone in my family if i am "available," they would probably either laugh or cry. and if you asked jason if i am "easy to love," he would probably be more nice than honest. but these are the things that i really want to be.
how about you? what do you want to be said of you in the many spheres of your life?
(and yes, this may or may not be a shameless plea for comments. but i'm also curious. and i think it's a good thing to think about. so....readygo!!)
9.03.2008
rest for the weary
man oh man has this been a crazy summer! here's a little recap of my weekends:
july 4th- jason's sister jenna comes to visit
july 11th- pack for move
july 18th- move into new apartment
july 25th- a few days with my sisters and brothers-in-law in south carolina, robbie and lauren's wedding
august 1st- day trip to new jersey
august 8th- hannah and josh's wedding in seattle
august 15th- emily and devin's wedding in minnesota, start new job on monday
august 22nd- finish unpacking
august 29th- day trip to old sturbridge village and my parents come to visit
september 5th- last weekend before jason starts school
it's been so wonderful to be able to see so much of our friends and family this summer. i'm so thankful that jason and i have such quality people in our lives, even if they are all spread out across the country. it was so refreshing to reconnect with people who have seen us grow and know us so well and who we can be 100% ourselves around without even trying. (i'm even thankful for the job--that i never have to go back to ever ever again--that allowed us to save some money for travelling this summer.)
and as restful and life-giving as all that community/reconnection was, boy am i glad to be in one place for a little while!! our summer adventures included about 35 hours of driving, 10 flights, 6 states, 4 family visits, 3 weddings, switching homes, switching jobs, and jason starting at a new school. it was definitely better than last summer (new marriage, pneumonia, moving to a new state/culture, new jobs, new church, new everything). it was a rocky start to a new life to say the least. way too many transitions, way too little time to enjoy being a wife and having a husband. but now, we feel like we finally have the life we set out to get last year. jason's starting school, i'm working at gordon, we're living on campus, and we're starting our second year of youth ministry (which we pray will be easier than the first). :o)
and i am like a different person, or rather...like the person i used to be. now, i don't go to bed at night hoping that i'll be sick the next morning. i don't lay in bed in the morning rationalizing how crappy i need to feel to justify calling in. i just go to bed and wake up (still very slowly--still so not a morning person), and i start my day. i go to work, and i have work to do, and sometimes i go to the gym afterwards, and when i get home, there is still plenty of time left in the day! it's truly amazing the difference having an afternoon makes. and i get to be in a setting that i care about, where i get to be creative now and then, and where i am constantly learning. i don't think this is my forever job--i'm realizing more and more how much i want to teach--but it's really ideal for the moment and hopefully for the next few years.
so here's to a new start. here's to a new home and a new job, both of which make it so much easier to see the new mercies God has in store.
july 4th- jason's sister jenna comes to visit
july 11th- pack for move
july 18th- move into new apartment
july 25th- a few days with my sisters and brothers-in-law in south carolina, robbie and lauren's wedding
august 1st- day trip to new jersey
august 8th- hannah and josh's wedding in seattle
august 15th- emily and devin's wedding in minnesota, start new job on monday
august 22nd- finish unpacking
august 29th- day trip to old sturbridge village and my parents come to visit
september 5th- last weekend before jason starts school
it's been so wonderful to be able to see so much of our friends and family this summer. i'm so thankful that jason and i have such quality people in our lives, even if they are all spread out across the country. it was so refreshing to reconnect with people who have seen us grow and know us so well and who we can be 100% ourselves around without even trying. (i'm even thankful for the job--that i never have to go back to ever ever again--that allowed us to save some money for travelling this summer.)
and as restful and life-giving as all that community/reconnection was, boy am i glad to be in one place for a little while!! our summer adventures included about 35 hours of driving, 10 flights, 6 states, 4 family visits, 3 weddings, switching homes, switching jobs, and jason starting at a new school. it was definitely better than last summer (new marriage, pneumonia, moving to a new state/culture, new jobs, new church, new everything). it was a rocky start to a new life to say the least. way too many transitions, way too little time to enjoy being a wife and having a husband. but now, we feel like we finally have the life we set out to get last year. jason's starting school, i'm working at gordon, we're living on campus, and we're starting our second year of youth ministry (which we pray will be easier than the first). :o)
and i am like a different person, or rather...like the person i used to be. now, i don't go to bed at night hoping that i'll be sick the next morning. i don't lay in bed in the morning rationalizing how crappy i need to feel to justify calling in. i just go to bed and wake up (still very slowly--still so not a morning person), and i start my day. i go to work, and i have work to do, and sometimes i go to the gym afterwards, and when i get home, there is still plenty of time left in the day! it's truly amazing the difference having an afternoon makes. and i get to be in a setting that i care about, where i get to be creative now and then, and where i am constantly learning. i don't think this is my forever job--i'm realizing more and more how much i want to teach--but it's really ideal for the moment and hopefully for the next few years.
so here's to a new start. here's to a new home and a new job, both of which make it so much easier to see the new mercies God has in store.
8.06.2008
new beginnings
welp...it's been almost a month since my last post, and quite a bit has happened. (so if this blog is the only forum from which you receive news from the little world of robin giberson lawrenz, i'm deeply sorry for my neglect.) here's what's been going on:
-jason and i moved into our new apartment on the gordon-conwell campus. it's a cute little two bedroom with a much larger kitchen than the one we had, and we're using the second bedroom as a guest room/study/craft space. pretty exciting, huh? i think so, too. we even ordered new couches, which will be arriving at some point within the next several weeks, and until then, we're using blow-up mattresses and pillows covered with blankets, fashioned to be somewhat couch-shaped. it's actually really comfortable, and a few of the youth group guys didn't even notice that it wasn't a real couch, so jason and i are kinda wondering why we bothered buying new ones. hmm...
-jason and i also celebrated our one year anniversary!! we went out to dinner and watched our wedding video and ate our cake that had been sitting in the freezer for a year. we were a little nervous about that part because we'd been warned that year-old wedding cake is not a pleasant experience. however, ours was actually still quite delicious...for the first few bites. (we threw the rest away.) but it was still definitely worth following the tradition. also, we had the greatest wedding of all time. now, you're probably thinking that i'm a little biased on that front. but seriously. best. ever. ask anyone who was there. our wedding kicked some serious tail. and i think we deserved it considering the 2 year engagement (bad idea), tireless hours of planning (so that every single little detail would be perfect--and it was), and the worst honeymoon of all time (which started out with pneumonia, followed by weeks of recovery). it's been strange thinking about how this time last august, i was just getting out of the hospital in Jersey (after God--in cooperation with a lot of praying people organized by one mr. devin goulding--worked some major miracles to get me there), pleased as peaches that no one had to drain anything out of my lungs with a needle, and finally cured by a magical leandro barbosa jersey. (i have the very best friends in the world.) since then, jason and i moved somewhere we've never been (where i knew a grand total of two people and he knew zero), started new jobs, and tried to figure out how to be married. a lot of craziness, but i wouldn't have had it any other way. jason is the very greatest husband ever, so easy to love and so eager to make me happy. go ahead. be jealous. he's just that wonderful. :o)
-in other news, i got a new job!!! i have 3 days left at csl, and 2 weddings to be in (hannah and josh and emily and devin are getting married!!! woohoo!!!), and i will be starting on august 18th as the administrative assistant for the department chairs of humanities and social sciences at gordon college!!! i will work 8:30-4:30, have free access to gordon's gym, three weeks of paid vacation, and i might actually have work to do at work!!! (in fact, in the interview, i was told about 7 times that i will have too much work to do and will have to learn to say no to people.) i'm really excited about getting to work for professors so i can get a little better of a feel for whether or not that's what i want to be when i grow up. and i can take undergrad classes for free, and if i work there for a few years, i can get reduced tuition for grad classes (masters in education, maybe with a concentration in the montessori method), and jason can get reduced tuition at gordon-conwell. so...needless to say, i'm pretty excited about all that.
so lots of new beginnings. it's kind of like we're starting over...new home, new job, jason will be starting at a new school. and i'm hoping that this year will be better than the last one. don't get me wrong. marriage has been wonderful. and i love new england. and our church has been fantastic. but i've been really...tired. 9-5:30, 5 days a week of a job that is unchallenging, uninteresting, and almost anti-creative...it's taken a toll on me. it's been really hard. so i'm hoping that this new job allows me a little more freedom to be myself so when i get home from work (a full hour earlier!), i just might have the time and the energy to be the person, the wife, the friend, the artist, that i want to be. here's hoping... :o)
-jason and i moved into our new apartment on the gordon-conwell campus. it's a cute little two bedroom with a much larger kitchen than the one we had, and we're using the second bedroom as a guest room/study/craft space. pretty exciting, huh? i think so, too. we even ordered new couches, which will be arriving at some point within the next several weeks, and until then, we're using blow-up mattresses and pillows covered with blankets, fashioned to be somewhat couch-shaped. it's actually really comfortable, and a few of the youth group guys didn't even notice that it wasn't a real couch, so jason and i are kinda wondering why we bothered buying new ones. hmm...
-jason and i also celebrated our one year anniversary!! we went out to dinner and watched our wedding video and ate our cake that had been sitting in the freezer for a year. we were a little nervous about that part because we'd been warned that year-old wedding cake is not a pleasant experience. however, ours was actually still quite delicious...for the first few bites. (we threw the rest away.) but it was still definitely worth following the tradition. also, we had the greatest wedding of all time. now, you're probably thinking that i'm a little biased on that front. but seriously. best. ever. ask anyone who was there. our wedding kicked some serious tail. and i think we deserved it considering the 2 year engagement (bad idea), tireless hours of planning (so that every single little detail would be perfect--and it was), and the worst honeymoon of all time (which started out with pneumonia, followed by weeks of recovery). it's been strange thinking about how this time last august, i was just getting out of the hospital in Jersey (after God--in cooperation with a lot of praying people organized by one mr. devin goulding--worked some major miracles to get me there), pleased as peaches that no one had to drain anything out of my lungs with a needle, and finally cured by a magical leandro barbosa jersey. (i have the very best friends in the world.) since then, jason and i moved somewhere we've never been (where i knew a grand total of two people and he knew zero), started new jobs, and tried to figure out how to be married. a lot of craziness, but i wouldn't have had it any other way. jason is the very greatest husband ever, so easy to love and so eager to make me happy. go ahead. be jealous. he's just that wonderful. :o)
-in other news, i got a new job!!! i have 3 days left at csl, and 2 weddings to be in (hannah and josh and emily and devin are getting married!!! woohoo!!!), and i will be starting on august 18th as the administrative assistant for the department chairs of humanities and social sciences at gordon college!!! i will work 8:30-4:30, have free access to gordon's gym, three weeks of paid vacation, and i might actually have work to do at work!!! (in fact, in the interview, i was told about 7 times that i will have too much work to do and will have to learn to say no to people.) i'm really excited about getting to work for professors so i can get a little better of a feel for whether or not that's what i want to be when i grow up. and i can take undergrad classes for free, and if i work there for a few years, i can get reduced tuition for grad classes (masters in education, maybe with a concentration in the montessori method), and jason can get reduced tuition at gordon-conwell. so...needless to say, i'm pretty excited about all that.
so lots of new beginnings. it's kind of like we're starting over...new home, new job, jason will be starting at a new school. and i'm hoping that this year will be better than the last one. don't get me wrong. marriage has been wonderful. and i love new england. and our church has been fantastic. but i've been really...tired. 9-5:30, 5 days a week of a job that is unchallenging, uninteresting, and almost anti-creative...it's taken a toll on me. it's been really hard. so i'm hoping that this new job allows me a little more freedom to be myself so when i get home from work (a full hour earlier!), i just might have the time and the energy to be the person, the wife, the friend, the artist, that i want to be. here's hoping... :o)
7.10.2008
stewardship
i've recently had a little epiphany about stewardship. i've been subconsciously thinking that stewardship is making as much money as possible and using that money well. as part of that, i've felt like it's bad stewardship to be poor when you don't have to be. but the other day, i realized that money is not the utmost aspect of stewardship. being a good steward involves every aspect of a person's potential and resources. pursuing my God-given identity, being authentic to who He created me to be, and using the gifts He's given me to the utmost, are more important than making sure jason and i have everything that we need and that we will never want for anything.
now i bet you're thinking "wow...some epiphany. looks more like a no-brainer than an epiphany." and you're right. if you had asked me at any given point of my life if i believed that living to your potential and using your gifts are more important and more relevant to good stewardship than making lots of money, i would have said, "of course." but it's one thing to give mental ascent to those kinds of truths. it's another thing entirely to actually live as if those truths were true.
if i lived an authentic life, if i lived with the strong conviction that God made me for a purpose and with a commitment to pursue that purpose, wouldn't life look drastically different? wouldn't that be the life of passion and adventure that i so desperately crave?
reality (read "cynicism") check here: yes, robin. if by "adventure" you mean struggling to make ends meet, that's exactly what throwing caution to the wind and running hard after "fulfillment" would look like. and you can't just go gallivanting around, chasing whatever moves you in the moment. you have responsibilities now. you can no longer just worry about your own interests. you're mom can't make dinner for you every night. you have rent and bills to pay. you don't have everything handed to you anymore. you need to work for it. you need to not be so selfish.
and in response to that, i'm reminded of the book i read and quoted a few months back (let your life speak by parker j. palmer). unfortunately, i don't have it with me right now. but at one point, palmer talks about how living according to one's authentic identity is not a selfish act. trying to live someone else's life has great potential for doing more harm than good. the choice of what kind of life you are going to live should be determined by where your gifts and passions meet the world's needs. reversing that equation is a perfect recipe for burnout and dissatisfaction and bitterness. but when we look at the needs of our world, our communities, our families in light of who we are and what we are most crafted to give, meeting those needs would be such joy and fulfillment and not the burden and drudgery of living every day from empty stores. palmer really is so much more eloquent than i am. maybe in my words, it seems like self-justification. but in his words, it seems like the only reasonable way to live.
and so, the ever-nagging question: what does this look like? how can i practically pursue authenticity and purpose today? i'm thinking it probably will have something to do with a little flexibility on my part. because i don't think living an authentic life has to be reckless. as much as i would love to quit my job and go back to school this fall, my bills won't pay themselves. so maybe it's online classes. maybe it's reading some non-fiction relevant to what i want to do in place of the escapist young adult fantasy i love so much. maybe it's risking a conversation with my co-workers so i can bring in something interesting or creative to work on in my copious down-time. maybe it is finding somewhere else that will allow me to use my gifts and still pay my rent. i don't know. but this little revelation requires something of me, something hard, but something that has the potential to expose me to the spark of inspiration i've been missing.
i'm open to suggestions. any ideas??
now i bet you're thinking "wow...some epiphany. looks more like a no-brainer than an epiphany." and you're right. if you had asked me at any given point of my life if i believed that living to your potential and using your gifts are more important and more relevant to good stewardship than making lots of money, i would have said, "of course." but it's one thing to give mental ascent to those kinds of truths. it's another thing entirely to actually live as if those truths were true.
if i lived an authentic life, if i lived with the strong conviction that God made me for a purpose and with a commitment to pursue that purpose, wouldn't life look drastically different? wouldn't that be the life of passion and adventure that i so desperately crave?
reality (read "cynicism") check here: yes, robin. if by "adventure" you mean struggling to make ends meet, that's exactly what throwing caution to the wind and running hard after "fulfillment" would look like. and you can't just go gallivanting around, chasing whatever moves you in the moment. you have responsibilities now. you can no longer just worry about your own interests. you're mom can't make dinner for you every night. you have rent and bills to pay. you don't have everything handed to you anymore. you need to work for it. you need to not be so selfish.
and in response to that, i'm reminded of the book i read and quoted a few months back (let your life speak by parker j. palmer). unfortunately, i don't have it with me right now. but at one point, palmer talks about how living according to one's authentic identity is not a selfish act. trying to live someone else's life has great potential for doing more harm than good. the choice of what kind of life you are going to live should be determined by where your gifts and passions meet the world's needs. reversing that equation is a perfect recipe for burnout and dissatisfaction and bitterness. but when we look at the needs of our world, our communities, our families in light of who we are and what we are most crafted to give, meeting those needs would be such joy and fulfillment and not the burden and drudgery of living every day from empty stores. palmer really is so much more eloquent than i am. maybe in my words, it seems like self-justification. but in his words, it seems like the only reasonable way to live.
and so, the ever-nagging question: what does this look like? how can i practically pursue authenticity and purpose today? i'm thinking it probably will have something to do with a little flexibility on my part. because i don't think living an authentic life has to be reckless. as much as i would love to quit my job and go back to school this fall, my bills won't pay themselves. so maybe it's online classes. maybe it's reading some non-fiction relevant to what i want to do in place of the escapist young adult fantasy i love so much. maybe it's risking a conversation with my co-workers so i can bring in something interesting or creative to work on in my copious down-time. maybe it is finding somewhere else that will allow me to use my gifts and still pay my rent. i don't know. but this little revelation requires something of me, something hard, but something that has the potential to expose me to the spark of inspiration i've been missing.
i'm open to suggestions. any ideas??
7.03.2008
10 things for which i am grateful (in no particular order)
having morning-long projects that keep me busy at work.
being allowed to go home when i'm finished with my work.
the weepies (a band revealed to me by matt wistrand, and i am eternally grateful).
the fan that deafens the rest of the office so i can listen to my music at a hearable volume.
being helpful, especially for people that i like.
my family cause they're all really cool in their own different, special ways.
my husband because he is so easy to love.
facebook which helps me psuedo keep in touch with people.
first congregational church of essex.
the second bedroom/craft space/study jason and i will have in 13 days.
being allowed to go home when i'm finished with my work.
the weepies (a band revealed to me by matt wistrand, and i am eternally grateful).
the fan that deafens the rest of the office so i can listen to my music at a hearable volume.
being helpful, especially for people that i like.
my family cause they're all really cool in their own different, special ways.
my husband because he is so easy to love.
facebook which helps me psuedo keep in touch with people.
first congregational church of essex.
the second bedroom/craft space/study jason and i will have in 13 days.
6.19.2008
a little bit of narnia, a little bit of me, a little bit of healing
i'm steadily making my way through the chronicles of narnia, some for the first time.
rabbit trail: now before you go chastising me for never having read the series, please take into account the following truths: 1) i didn't read very much as a child. i spent most of my life in make-believe of my own. 2) my mom did read to me some, but she mostly just told me stories. she is an excellent storyteller and has one of the best witch voices you will ever hear. 3) our house was not a citadel of great literature. it was a place of discovery, of creativity, of getting your hands dirty. so whereas i did not receive all the virtues that a well-read child will obtain, i think i had pretty close to the perfect childhood: just enough scraped knees to make me tough, just enough toys to aid my imagination, plenty of kingdoms (read: "woods") to explore, endless resources for creating whatever i could dream, 2 sisters old enough to show me the ropes and young enough to be my playmates, talented parents who passionately showed us a dynamic world full of possibilities. but i didn't read the chronicles of narnia. or the lord of the rings series. or about a thousand other books that one definitely should have read before becoming a wheaton college student. so judge me if you must, but i'm putting a dent in the long list of should-have-read's in my budding adulthood.
now returning closer to the point: i've read the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, (and had it read to me by david chambers and scott brown in glorious character voices with stuffed animal props--one of my fondest memories of my college years and maybe of my life), and i know the story all too well from the bbc version. so my recent reads started with prince caspian in preparation for the new movie. i finished the book and have seen the movie twice, and i decided that i like it, that i don't mind the changes so much because they provided for some more extensive character development, and that i even like the regina spektor song despite its very weak starting line and awkward placement in the movie. (if you've seen it, you know what i mean.) i just finished voyage of the dawn treader. i'm reading the books in the order that they were written instead of chronologically in narnian time because that's the way i started and also because that's the way the writer experienced them and far be it for me to want to delineate from c. s. lewis.
and now, finally, we come to the actual, climactic point of this entry:
all of my experience with narnia thus far has led me to one very inescapable conclusion:
i want to live in narnia.
now, i've had similar feelings about other magical worlds, namely hogwarts. but whereas i'm indignant that i can't be a wizard and accio things on command or expeliarmus my foes, i'm deeply saddened that i can't live in narnia. i'd even accept not being a queen of narnia. i just want to go. i want to be friends with trees that dance and animals who talk and all sorts of creatures that can't be found (or awakened) in our world. i want to be face to face with Aslan. i want to experience the Deep Magic.
i don't really have anything more profound to say than that. i want to live in narnia.
i love fantasy. and i used to thrive on it. but now, in the context of this very mundane life, where adventure seems every impossibility, it makes me sad. not the kind of sad that will put me very much out of humour. but the kind of sad that dims the twinkle in the eye. the sad that misses the magic with which i was once so intimately acquainted. because for the most part, i feel like i've lived the fairy tale. i grew up in the middle of the woods. i've journeyed to far away lands. i know how to waltz. i married my prince charming. i've even had little animal friends along the way (and even if they didn't talk outloud, they may have just as well). so i know that the magic is real. i know there are new worlds to be discovered and explored, new perilous heights to climb, new dragons to battle or to befriend, new seas to sail, new little animal friends to meet...
but--and isn't there always a but?--all these worlds are very hard to reach from my little desk in the confines of my big corporate office.
so one day, when i go into the office supply room to put away binder clips and printer cartridges and reams of paper, would it be too much to ask to find a little secret door in the supply shelves? i could climb through and have a lifetime of adventures, and when i got back, no one would even know that i had gone!
and that's just the issue, isn't it? if i actually did wander into narnia through the supply shelves, i would not be so careless as to wander back. i would miss my husband, my family, my friends, my church. but i know myself all too well. wherever i am, i am there completely. my scope does not extend far beyond my gaze. it's been a lifelong blessing and a lifelong curse.
and maybe that's why there is no opening to narnia in the supply closet. because this is where i am supposed to be--in this world, with these responsibilities, with the people i already love. and i am going to have to learn to be with Aslan another way. i have to know Him by another name, one that has lost a bit of its magic through the mortal enemy of familiarity.
nevertheless, He is not so very far away. and He is loving and wild and good. and for me (as He did for Eustace), He is slowly removing the hard layers of lies i clothe myself with and revealing the sources of pain and constriction which i willingly put on in moments of weakness and making me new. or rather, He Himself has not torn into me yet. He is letting me undress myself. I haven't yet given Him permission--"invited Him into the conversation" as Rama often reminds me to do. it's a scary thing. because i know it will hurt. but He is patient with me, and He lets me try a little until i desperately desire for Him to do His work. so bring it on, Lord...
...just, not quite yet.
rabbit trail: now before you go chastising me for never having read the series, please take into account the following truths: 1) i didn't read very much as a child. i spent most of my life in make-believe of my own. 2) my mom did read to me some, but she mostly just told me stories. she is an excellent storyteller and has one of the best witch voices you will ever hear. 3) our house was not a citadel of great literature. it was a place of discovery, of creativity, of getting your hands dirty. so whereas i did not receive all the virtues that a well-read child will obtain, i think i had pretty close to the perfect childhood: just enough scraped knees to make me tough, just enough toys to aid my imagination, plenty of kingdoms (read: "woods") to explore, endless resources for creating whatever i could dream, 2 sisters old enough to show me the ropes and young enough to be my playmates, talented parents who passionately showed us a dynamic world full of possibilities. but i didn't read the chronicles of narnia. or the lord of the rings series. or about a thousand other books that one definitely should have read before becoming a wheaton college student. so judge me if you must, but i'm putting a dent in the long list of should-have-read's in my budding adulthood.
now returning closer to the point: i've read the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, (and had it read to me by david chambers and scott brown in glorious character voices with stuffed animal props--one of my fondest memories of my college years and maybe of my life), and i know the story all too well from the bbc version. so my recent reads started with prince caspian in preparation for the new movie. i finished the book and have seen the movie twice, and i decided that i like it, that i don't mind the changes so much because they provided for some more extensive character development, and that i even like the regina spektor song despite its very weak starting line and awkward placement in the movie. (if you've seen it, you know what i mean.) i just finished voyage of the dawn treader. i'm reading the books in the order that they were written instead of chronologically in narnian time because that's the way i started and also because that's the way the writer experienced them and far be it for me to want to delineate from c. s. lewis.
and now, finally, we come to the actual, climactic point of this entry:
all of my experience with narnia thus far has led me to one very inescapable conclusion:
i want to live in narnia.
now, i've had similar feelings about other magical worlds, namely hogwarts. but whereas i'm indignant that i can't be a wizard and accio things on command or expeliarmus my foes, i'm deeply saddened that i can't live in narnia. i'd even accept not being a queen of narnia. i just want to go. i want to be friends with trees that dance and animals who talk and all sorts of creatures that can't be found (or awakened) in our world. i want to be face to face with Aslan. i want to experience the Deep Magic.
i don't really have anything more profound to say than that. i want to live in narnia.
i love fantasy. and i used to thrive on it. but now, in the context of this very mundane life, where adventure seems every impossibility, it makes me sad. not the kind of sad that will put me very much out of humour. but the kind of sad that dims the twinkle in the eye. the sad that misses the magic with which i was once so intimately acquainted. because for the most part, i feel like i've lived the fairy tale. i grew up in the middle of the woods. i've journeyed to far away lands. i know how to waltz. i married my prince charming. i've even had little animal friends along the way (and even if they didn't talk outloud, they may have just as well). so i know that the magic is real. i know there are new worlds to be discovered and explored, new perilous heights to climb, new dragons to battle or to befriend, new seas to sail, new little animal friends to meet...
but--and isn't there always a but?--all these worlds are very hard to reach from my little desk in the confines of my big corporate office.
so one day, when i go into the office supply room to put away binder clips and printer cartridges and reams of paper, would it be too much to ask to find a little secret door in the supply shelves? i could climb through and have a lifetime of adventures, and when i got back, no one would even know that i had gone!
and that's just the issue, isn't it? if i actually did wander into narnia through the supply shelves, i would not be so careless as to wander back. i would miss my husband, my family, my friends, my church. but i know myself all too well. wherever i am, i am there completely. my scope does not extend far beyond my gaze. it's been a lifelong blessing and a lifelong curse.
and maybe that's why there is no opening to narnia in the supply closet. because this is where i am supposed to be--in this world, with these responsibilities, with the people i already love. and i am going to have to learn to be with Aslan another way. i have to know Him by another name, one that has lost a bit of its magic through the mortal enemy of familiarity.
nevertheless, He is not so very far away. and He is loving and wild and good. and for me (as He did for Eustace), He is slowly removing the hard layers of lies i clothe myself with and revealing the sources of pain and constriction which i willingly put on in moments of weakness and making me new. or rather, He Himself has not torn into me yet. He is letting me undress myself. I haven't yet given Him permission--"invited Him into the conversation" as Rama often reminds me to do. it's a scary thing. because i know it will hurt. but He is patient with me, and He lets me try a little until i desperately desire for Him to do His work. so bring it on, Lord...
...just, not quite yet.
6.17.2008
my sundown
this past saturday morning was the "morning of grace," a monthly women's prayer meeting (sort of) at my church. i generally love morning of grace. the women in my church are pretty amazing. but there is one little problem: saturday morning is not generally a time i like to commit to anything other than wildly indulgent sleeping in.
so as i was lying in bed trying to decide whether or not to go, i had pretty much settled into a firm and decisive "no." i was tired. so what if i miss morning of grace? it'll be there next month. and the month after that. and as i rolled over and got all snuggly in my nice, warm, comfortable bed, "my sundown" (a jimmy eat world song) randomly slipped into my head.
it started with the more disinterested lines:
"with one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
you'll take your time, but no one cares."
but then i remembered the opening lines of the song:
"i see it around me. i see it in everything.
i could be so much more than this."
dang it. alright, Jesus, i guess i'm going to morning of grace.
when i got there (a little late), i found that the theme for the morning was psalm 139. and i chuckled to myself. because God is just funny.
the leader for the morning gave us beth moore's outline for psalm 139 as follows:
1. i am known.
2. i need to be known.
3. i'm scared to be known.
4. i've always been known.
5. i can know because i am known.
6. my enemies are known.
7. my anxieties are known.
8. i give God permission to know--complete surrender.
so i reflected a little and tried to reason out with God on paper what was going on. i'll let you listen in the prayer that followed:
God, i do want to be known.
but i am scared to be changed.
and i know that You are a dynamic God
Who will not leave me as i am.
Your desire is for constant proximity.
and how can i stand in Your presence unaltered?
i fear that i don't want Your calling.
i fear it is too hard, too high for me.
i fear that You will not empower me
to carry out Your plans.
i fear much struggle along the way.
i fear the weakness in myself to yield
but to do so with bitterness and spite.
and even as i write, i am ashamed.
i have already become what i despise:
timid, demanding my rights, settled.
in clinging so tightly to "who-i-am"
i have collapsed into myself
and changed my freedom and passion and moxy
for fear and bitter acceptance.
so yes, i want to be known,
but as i was, not as i am.
and i fear the process of restoration.
i fear your words of reproof
even though they are words of Life,
Life i long for but am too timid to pursue.
but, God, You do know me,
and You hold (tighter than even i do)
to the dreadful and wonderful truth
that You crafted me on purpose.
who better to protect and preserve my identity
than He Who formed it with His own hands?
who better to revive and recover me
than He Who first breathed into me life?
He Who began a good work in me will see it through.
indeed, such knowledge is too wonderful for me.
for You call me to release my grip from what i treasure.
You call me to run hard in pursuit of You.
You call me to lay aside whatever hinders,
even if it is my very own self.
and if i don't?
if i run hard in the other direction,
if i blind my eyes and dull my senses,
if i stand watchful guard over my heart
not granting Your river of Life admittance...
i am no less known, no less guided by You, but
i am living from empty stores.
so in my battered and bruised understanding
of what it is to be known by You,
i fear the correction, the path, the Life You offer.
so yes, i want to be known.
i want to be known by a God of power.
i want to be rediscovered by a God of movement.
i want to be searched by a God of deep mercy.
but He already knows me to the utmost.
and if i likewise want to know myself,
He Himself must lift my head.
and i, timid and bruised,
must stand in His presence and wait.
--but i have waited 'til i am weary,
for i have filled my waiting with adolescent angst,
holding tightly to a state of being misunderstood.
but if truth is what i seek,
i cannot be possessed by misunderstanding.
for my God understands me completely.
what's more, He made and sustains me.
He has never, ever let me go.
so tired, in surrender, i cannot stand.
i run until i fall into Love,
a Love so deep as to completely hem me in.
yes, i want to be known.
but may i never be known without Love.
this Love that You give
is too rich, too good, too complete
to leave me as i am.
so i ask with a weakened, pleading, empty heart
that You would grant me the courage and the strength
to know Your Love without constraint,
to not fear Your admonition,
to live in the full understanding
of Your deep and penetrating grace.
You, oh God, have run hard in pursuit of me.
You have given me everything,
even Your very own Self.
You have set the example of redeeming life
by the surrender of self.
Lord, grant me that kind of abandon.
show me more of Who You are that i might live.
and as i live, give me the passion
to live in light of the truth
that You know me,
that You love me,
and that You are good.
so as i was lying in bed trying to decide whether or not to go, i had pretty much settled into a firm and decisive "no." i was tired. so what if i miss morning of grace? it'll be there next month. and the month after that. and as i rolled over and got all snuggly in my nice, warm, comfortable bed, "my sundown" (a jimmy eat world song) randomly slipped into my head.
it started with the more disinterested lines:
"with one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
you'll take your time, but no one cares."
but then i remembered the opening lines of the song:
"i see it around me. i see it in everything.
i could be so much more than this."
dang it. alright, Jesus, i guess i'm going to morning of grace.
when i got there (a little late), i found that the theme for the morning was psalm 139. and i chuckled to myself. because God is just funny.
the leader for the morning gave us beth moore's outline for psalm 139 as follows:
1. i am known.
2. i need to be known.
3. i'm scared to be known.
4. i've always been known.
5. i can know because i am known.
6. my enemies are known.
7. my anxieties are known.
8. i give God permission to know--complete surrender.
so i reflected a little and tried to reason out with God on paper what was going on. i'll let you listen in the prayer that followed:
God, i do want to be known.
but i am scared to be changed.
and i know that You are a dynamic God
Who will not leave me as i am.
Your desire is for constant proximity.
and how can i stand in Your presence unaltered?
i fear that i don't want Your calling.
i fear it is too hard, too high for me.
i fear that You will not empower me
to carry out Your plans.
i fear much struggle along the way.
i fear the weakness in myself to yield
but to do so with bitterness and spite.
and even as i write, i am ashamed.
i have already become what i despise:
timid, demanding my rights, settled.
in clinging so tightly to "who-i-am"
i have collapsed into myself
and changed my freedom and passion and moxy
for fear and bitter acceptance.
so yes, i want to be known,
but as i was, not as i am.
and i fear the process of restoration.
i fear your words of reproof
even though they are words of Life,
Life i long for but am too timid to pursue.
but, God, You do know me,
and You hold (tighter than even i do)
to the dreadful and wonderful truth
that You crafted me on purpose.
who better to protect and preserve my identity
than He Who formed it with His own hands?
who better to revive and recover me
than He Who first breathed into me life?
He Who began a good work in me will see it through.
indeed, such knowledge is too wonderful for me.
for You call me to release my grip from what i treasure.
You call me to run hard in pursuit of You.
You call me to lay aside whatever hinders,
even if it is my very own self.
and if i don't?
if i run hard in the other direction,
if i blind my eyes and dull my senses,
if i stand watchful guard over my heart
not granting Your river of Life admittance...
i am no less known, no less guided by You, but
i am living from empty stores.
so in my battered and bruised understanding
of what it is to be known by You,
i fear the correction, the path, the Life You offer.
so yes, i want to be known.
i want to be known by a God of power.
i want to be rediscovered by a God of movement.
i want to be searched by a God of deep mercy.
but He already knows me to the utmost.
and if i likewise want to know myself,
He Himself must lift my head.
and i, timid and bruised,
must stand in His presence and wait.
--but i have waited 'til i am weary,
for i have filled my waiting with adolescent angst,
holding tightly to a state of being misunderstood.
but if truth is what i seek,
i cannot be possessed by misunderstanding.
for my God understands me completely.
what's more, He made and sustains me.
He has never, ever let me go.
so tired, in surrender, i cannot stand.
i run until i fall into Love,
a Love so deep as to completely hem me in.
yes, i want to be known.
but may i never be known without Love.
this Love that You give
is too rich, too good, too complete
to leave me as i am.
so i ask with a weakened, pleading, empty heart
that You would grant me the courage and the strength
to know Your Love without constraint,
to not fear Your admonition,
to live in the full understanding
of Your deep and penetrating grace.
You, oh God, have run hard in pursuit of me.
You have given me everything,
even Your very own Self.
You have set the example of redeeming life
by the surrender of self.
Lord, grant me that kind of abandon.
show me more of Who You are that i might live.
and as i live, give me the passion
to live in light of the truth
that You know me,
that You love me,
and that You are good.
5.30.2008
wholeness
so when i married jason, i decided to not be whole. let me make myself perfectly clear. jason wants me to be whole. he is constantly encouraging me to be myself and do the things that i love and try new things.
but jason and i are very different in a lot of ways. and usually, this means perfect compatibility. we fill in and challenge each other's weak spots. we need each other's strengths to be complete people. so usually, it's a perfect fit. and we are in deep bliss. :o)
but sometimes, i fear that feeding the parts of me that are most unlike jason will cause a rift between us. which is definitely not what i want. so i feed the parts that most tidily compliment him. and this is the decision that i made when i decided to "get serious" about married life. i would be jason's other half. i would be his support
and that's the life that i found here. i have this job that provides everything that we need: good pay, great health insurance, enough money to save and pay down some debt. we're serving together in multiple capacities at a wonderful church. we do everything together from grocery shopping to driving to and from work to watching sports. pretty much every moment that we're not at work, we're doing something together. and i love that. jason could probably use a little more time to himself, which i occassionally notice and try to give him. but for the most part, he's really happy to spend the majority of his moments with me. i guess he likes me or something.
so i have this perfect little life with an amazing husband and a great church with lots of opportunities for service and involvement and this really solid job. and i am unsatisfied. in fact, i'm pretty miserable. i blame my job, the boredom, the monotony. i say that i need to find a job that allows me to be robin. one that honors and encourages creativity. one that honors a good work ethic. one where i can be used to my greatest potential and challenged and stretched occasionally. one that's frantic enough to keep me busy. i'd even take one that's a little interesting.
but at some point, this conversaion needs to not be about my job. it needs to be about who i am no matter where i am. and in order for that conversation to be authentic and fruitful (as opposed to a lot of whining about a boring job), i need to invite God into the conversation. i need to let Him direct me.
all this time, i've been kind of bitter about this job. "it's not fair. i'm being wasted here. why did God put me here? waawaawaa." but i think this place may be more than just an open, empty forum that gives me the time and space to ask these deep questions of identity. this place, this job, this life puts into sharp and blinding focus that it isn't enough for me to just be "jason's wife" and nothing more. i have everything that i thought i wanted and needed. and i'm miserable. and as it turns out, that misery is God's mercy.
i've been struggling with understanding who God is when i'm unhappy. and i think here is the tip of the iceberg of an answer: God loves me too much to let me be happy when i am being less than who He created me to be. God loves me too much to allow me to be satisfied with being less than whole. God loves me too much to let me settle for being merely a support to jason's vision. i am jason's wife. and i love being jason's wife. but that is not all that i am. that's not all i was created to be. i was created to be robin merideth giberson lawrenz. and there will never be another.
seeing my dissatisfaction not as a character flaw, not as something to be overcome and stamped out, but rather as the mercy of a loving God who wants to open up worlds to me, who wants me to be everything He made me to be, who wants me to know Him as fully as i am capaible of knowing Him...that makes all the difference in the world. because if God is the source, the gift is good. the gift is hope that will not disappoint. the gift is longing with the promise of fulfillment. i don't have to choose to feed one part of me and to slowly (or abruptly) kill another. i can be whole! and that is very good news.
but jason and i are very different in a lot of ways. and usually, this means perfect compatibility. we fill in and challenge each other's weak spots. we need each other's strengths to be complete people. so usually, it's a perfect fit. and we are in deep bliss. :o)
but sometimes, i fear that feeding the parts of me that are most unlike jason will cause a rift between us. which is definitely not what i want. so i feed the parts that most tidily compliment him. and this is the decision that i made when i decided to "get serious" about married life. i would be jason's other half. i would be his support
and that's the life that i found here. i have this job that provides everything that we need: good pay, great health insurance, enough money to save and pay down some debt. we're serving together in multiple capacities at a wonderful church. we do everything together from grocery shopping to driving to and from work to watching sports. pretty much every moment that we're not at work, we're doing something together. and i love that. jason could probably use a little more time to himself, which i occassionally notice and try to give him. but for the most part, he's really happy to spend the majority of his moments with me. i guess he likes me or something.
so i have this perfect little life with an amazing husband and a great church with lots of opportunities for service and involvement and this really solid job. and i am unsatisfied. in fact, i'm pretty miserable. i blame my job, the boredom, the monotony. i say that i need to find a job that allows me to be robin. one that honors and encourages creativity. one that honors a good work ethic. one where i can be used to my greatest potential and challenged and stretched occasionally. one that's frantic enough to keep me busy. i'd even take one that's a little interesting.
but at some point, this conversaion needs to not be about my job. it needs to be about who i am no matter where i am. and in order for that conversation to be authentic and fruitful (as opposed to a lot of whining about a boring job), i need to invite God into the conversation. i need to let Him direct me.
all this time, i've been kind of bitter about this job. "it's not fair. i'm being wasted here. why did God put me here? waawaawaa." but i think this place may be more than just an open, empty forum that gives me the time and space to ask these deep questions of identity. this place, this job, this life puts into sharp and blinding focus that it isn't enough for me to just be "jason's wife" and nothing more. i have everything that i thought i wanted and needed. and i'm miserable. and as it turns out, that misery is God's mercy.
i've been struggling with understanding who God is when i'm unhappy. and i think here is the tip of the iceberg of an answer: God loves me too much to let me be happy when i am being less than who He created me to be. God loves me too much to allow me to be satisfied with being less than whole. God loves me too much to let me settle for being merely a support to jason's vision. i am jason's wife. and i love being jason's wife. but that is not all that i am. that's not all i was created to be. i was created to be robin merideth giberson lawrenz. and there will never be another.
seeing my dissatisfaction not as a character flaw, not as something to be overcome and stamped out, but rather as the mercy of a loving God who wants to open up worlds to me, who wants me to be everything He made me to be, who wants me to know Him as fully as i am capaible of knowing Him...that makes all the difference in the world. because if God is the source, the gift is good. the gift is hope that will not disappoint. the gift is longing with the promise of fulfillment. i don't have to choose to feed one part of me and to slowly (or abruptly) kill another. i can be whole! and that is very good news.
5.21.2008
connect the dots (la la la la la)
i've been hiding from songwriting. i've been thinking that being a singer/songwriter is incompatible with my lifestyle as a wife. i've been satisfied with my decision to get married sooner instead of taking what little show i had on the road. i had said that this was better for me, that i had to choose, that some part of me would have to inevitably win out over another, that i couldn't be whole.
but the dots i avoided and refused to connect were a) "rejection from cmc" leads to c) "not finding inspiration for songwriting." i very conveniently made b) "decided to take marriage seriously and be a grown up" when b) should have been "suffered from supposed failure and feelings of not good enough."
it's funny how i tidily name my scars instead of looking them in the face and doing the dirty work to find out what they call themselves. with my tidy little designation for b) i was in control. it was my decision. i was unscathed, unaffected. responsible.
but here is the truth: i'm hiding from songwriting thinking if i return to it, i will be a bad wife, when in reality, i'm hiding from songwriting thinking that if i return to it, i will be a bad songwriter. and there you have it.
not that that makes it easier. calling the scar by its proper name doesn't make it hurt any less. it just places the displaced hurt back where it belongs. but now that i know the truth, there is hope for healing. it'll take some courage. it'll take a lot of grace. but there is hope. time to be brave and rip off the band-aid. readygo.
but the dots i avoided and refused to connect were a) "rejection from cmc" leads to c) "not finding inspiration for songwriting." i very conveniently made b) "decided to take marriage seriously and be a grown up" when b) should have been "suffered from supposed failure and feelings of not good enough."
it's funny how i tidily name my scars instead of looking them in the face and doing the dirty work to find out what they call themselves. with my tidy little designation for b) i was in control. it was my decision. i was unscathed, unaffected. responsible.
but here is the truth: i'm hiding from songwriting thinking if i return to it, i will be a bad wife, when in reality, i'm hiding from songwriting thinking that if i return to it, i will be a bad songwriter. and there you have it.
not that that makes it easier. calling the scar by its proper name doesn't make it hurt any less. it just places the displaced hurt back where it belongs. but now that i know the truth, there is hope for healing. it'll take some courage. it'll take a lot of grace. but there is hope. time to be brave and rip off the band-aid. readygo.
5.13.2008
someone else's thing
in this search for a medium, i decided to take up embroidery because nobody else does it. my mom makes baskets and quilts. amy knits and felts. megan draws and paints. i figured embroidery was safe. but amy does that, too.
i was talking to her the other night about how frustrated i am to be without a medium. i feel as though i have something beautiful to say to the world and no voice to say it with. it's a sad and isolated place. she asked, "why do you have to do something that nobody else does?"
a very interesting question. something i've always known the answer to, but i'd never been asked before. and the answer is this: if i do something that only i do, there is no comparison. i can be different and special and unique and secure in my identity and my abilities. but if i try to own a new "thing" that's already someone else's "thing," chances are that i will not measure up creatively. i won't be as good.
now this may seem like it's rehashing some of my other posts, but it feels like new water. i had no idea my ego was that fragile. i've never been confronted with it. but all of a sudden, i'm not the self-confident little girl i thought i was. i'm wounded. i'm insecure. i'm broken.
but amy gave me some very wise words (just a bit paraphrased): "when did we lose the inner creator? when did we learn that how we drew wasn't okay? when did we lose our inner voice? it was when i learned that ryan evans was the best artist in the class, so i couldn't draw anymore. but if there's something in us waiting to be created, no one else will make it for us. it's ours to create. and the world (and we) will completely miss out if we don't take a risk and try."
so i'm going to take a risk and try. that's my new goal: just to try. to tell that little voice inside that doubts my abilities to shut up and go away. to stop cowering in the corner believing that i am lost and useless. to look the possibility of failure in the face and befriend it. because if i want adventure, if i want art and life, there will always be a risk. and sure, failure feels crappy, but more often than not, failure is a beginning, not an end, not a judgment. it's a lesson. it's a direction. and that's not so scary.
i was talking to her the other night about how frustrated i am to be without a medium. i feel as though i have something beautiful to say to the world and no voice to say it with. it's a sad and isolated place. she asked, "why do you have to do something that nobody else does?"
a very interesting question. something i've always known the answer to, but i'd never been asked before. and the answer is this: if i do something that only i do, there is no comparison. i can be different and special and unique and secure in my identity and my abilities. but if i try to own a new "thing" that's already someone else's "thing," chances are that i will not measure up creatively. i won't be as good.
now this may seem like it's rehashing some of my other posts, but it feels like new water. i had no idea my ego was that fragile. i've never been confronted with it. but all of a sudden, i'm not the self-confident little girl i thought i was. i'm wounded. i'm insecure. i'm broken.
but amy gave me some very wise words (just a bit paraphrased): "when did we lose the inner creator? when did we learn that how we drew wasn't okay? when did we lose our inner voice? it was when i learned that ryan evans was the best artist in the class, so i couldn't draw anymore. but if there's something in us waiting to be created, no one else will make it for us. it's ours to create. and the world (and we) will completely miss out if we don't take a risk and try."
so i'm going to take a risk and try. that's my new goal: just to try. to tell that little voice inside that doubts my abilities to shut up and go away. to stop cowering in the corner believing that i am lost and useless. to look the possibility of failure in the face and befriend it. because if i want adventure, if i want art and life, there will always be a risk. and sure, failure feels crappy, but more often than not, failure is a beginning, not an end, not a judgment. it's a lesson. it's a direction. and that's not so scary.
5.07.2008
with no medium
in this quest for identity and purpose, i'm rereading parker j. palmer's let your life speak. it's been one of the most influential books in my life, and i recommend it to anyone sharing in the pilgrimage of vocation and identity.
in chapter 2, palmer is sharing some autobiographics of his journey of discovering vocation. he was working as a community organizer in washington dc when he was offered a faculty position at georgetown university. palmer writes:
"by looking anew at my community work through the lens of education, i saw that as an organizer i had never stopped being a teacher--i was simply teaching in a classroom without walls. in fact, i could have done no other: teaching, i was coming to understand, is my native way of being in the world. make me a cleric or a ceo, a poet or a politico, and teaching is what i will do. teaching is at the heart of my vocation and will manifest itself in any role i play."
this got me pondering: what is my natural way of being in the world? what is it that i will do no matter what else i'm doing?
in my first read of this book, i thought it was teaching for me also. which may be partially true, but only partially. i think teaching is an interest that i've intentionally developed. i'm passionate about education, about the teaching/learning interchange, about the dynamic relationships among teacher, student, and subject matter, about different teaching methods and learning styles, about explicit, implicit, and null curricula. and i enjoy teaching and preparing lessons. but i don't think teaching runs so deeply in me that i could say it's my "native way of being in the world."
in reflecting further on the questions of who i am no matter what else i'm doing, i came to this exciting and terrifying conclusion: i am an artist.
immediately, disclaimers rise to object. i'm not a good or talented artist. i'm not a carver or a basket weaver. i'm not a fiber artist or a potter. i'm not a composer or a dancer. i'm not a poet or novelist. i'm not a painter or a sculptor. i can't even doodle really.
but nevertheless, i am an artist. that is my way of being in the world. my deepest desire is to create, to make things new. i long to put form and shape to raw materials. i see the world with infinite potential for beauty. i treasure symbolism and metaphor and find it more deeply meaningful and real and true than actual "reality." i imagine wonderful things and long for them to be. imagination. creativity. art. now that i've put words to it, it seems so obvious to me. it makes so much sense.
palmer explains that if you are having trouble figuring out who you are, you should "remember who you were when you first arrived and reclaim the gift of true self...when we lose track of true self, how can we pick up the trail? one way is to seek clues in stories from our younger years, years when we lived closer to our birthright gifts."
in just about every memory of my childhood, there is some element of make believe. the walkway leading to my front door was a river of lava that i could use to carry messages written with pokeberry juice on dogwood leaves. broccoli was a tiny tree, and i was a huge, devouring dinosaur. i was a designer of beautiful gowns for teddy bears, and my mom was the seamstress charged with making my dreams reality. i was a mermaid princess living in a lake with mystical clay on the bottom which carried magical powers. i was always making up songs about nature and God and life and love and envisioning myself as a great performer.
you might say that these are the dreams of every little girl, and you're probably right. but i hold that the eye and the will to see things as they could be and ought to be and not only how they are, the mind and heart shaping things according to all their potential beauty, the hands longing to bring form and magnificence to something dull and shapeless but perhaps falling short of their vision due to a lack of dexterity and skill...these are the joys and challenges, the bumps and bruises, the curses and privileges of some sort of artist, the heartbeat of a creator.
as exciting a discovery as this is, i'm overwhelmed. i'm saddened. because i am an artist in search of a medium. i am unskilled, untrained, undeveloped. i have the blessing of beautiful ideas in my head and the millstone of very poor follow-through around my neck. the wounds of "less than" of "not measuring up creatively" run deep. and i don't know where to start.
as it turns out, this journey of self discovery isn't about interspection. these moments of revelation are not the destination. the goal and purpose behind these questions is not to just "figure it all out." if an artist is who i am, to become who i am will not be fulfilled simply because i've named the artist in me. to name myself is only giving direction to the journey. so what is the next step? if i desire to move forward, how can i proceed? how can i proactively become myself even in this place of waiting, waiting, waiting?
in chapter 2, palmer is sharing some autobiographics of his journey of discovering vocation. he was working as a community organizer in washington dc when he was offered a faculty position at georgetown university. palmer writes:
"by looking anew at my community work through the lens of education, i saw that as an organizer i had never stopped being a teacher--i was simply teaching in a classroom without walls. in fact, i could have done no other: teaching, i was coming to understand, is my native way of being in the world. make me a cleric or a ceo, a poet or a politico, and teaching is what i will do. teaching is at the heart of my vocation and will manifest itself in any role i play."
this got me pondering: what is my natural way of being in the world? what is it that i will do no matter what else i'm doing?
in my first read of this book, i thought it was teaching for me also. which may be partially true, but only partially. i think teaching is an interest that i've intentionally developed. i'm passionate about education, about the teaching/learning interchange, about the dynamic relationships among teacher, student, and subject matter, about different teaching methods and learning styles, about explicit, implicit, and null curricula. and i enjoy teaching and preparing lessons. but i don't think teaching runs so deeply in me that i could say it's my "native way of being in the world."
in reflecting further on the questions of who i am no matter what else i'm doing, i came to this exciting and terrifying conclusion: i am an artist.
immediately, disclaimers rise to object. i'm not a good or talented artist. i'm not a carver or a basket weaver. i'm not a fiber artist or a potter. i'm not a composer or a dancer. i'm not a poet or novelist. i'm not a painter or a sculptor. i can't even doodle really.
but nevertheless, i am an artist. that is my way of being in the world. my deepest desire is to create, to make things new. i long to put form and shape to raw materials. i see the world with infinite potential for beauty. i treasure symbolism and metaphor and find it more deeply meaningful and real and true than actual "reality." i imagine wonderful things and long for them to be. imagination. creativity. art. now that i've put words to it, it seems so obvious to me. it makes so much sense.
palmer explains that if you are having trouble figuring out who you are, you should "remember who you were when you first arrived and reclaim the gift of true self...when we lose track of true self, how can we pick up the trail? one way is to seek clues in stories from our younger years, years when we lived closer to our birthright gifts."
in just about every memory of my childhood, there is some element of make believe. the walkway leading to my front door was a river of lava that i could use to carry messages written with pokeberry juice on dogwood leaves. broccoli was a tiny tree, and i was a huge, devouring dinosaur. i was a designer of beautiful gowns for teddy bears, and my mom was the seamstress charged with making my dreams reality. i was a mermaid princess living in a lake with mystical clay on the bottom which carried magical powers. i was always making up songs about nature and God and life and love and envisioning myself as a great performer.
you might say that these are the dreams of every little girl, and you're probably right. but i hold that the eye and the will to see things as they could be and ought to be and not only how they are, the mind and heart shaping things according to all their potential beauty, the hands longing to bring form and magnificence to something dull and shapeless but perhaps falling short of their vision due to a lack of dexterity and skill...these are the joys and challenges, the bumps and bruises, the curses and privileges of some sort of artist, the heartbeat of a creator.
as exciting a discovery as this is, i'm overwhelmed. i'm saddened. because i am an artist in search of a medium. i am unskilled, untrained, undeveloped. i have the blessing of beautiful ideas in my head and the millstone of very poor follow-through around my neck. the wounds of "less than" of "not measuring up creatively" run deep. and i don't know where to start.
as it turns out, this journey of self discovery isn't about interspection. these moments of revelation are not the destination. the goal and purpose behind these questions is not to just "figure it all out." if an artist is who i am, to become who i am will not be fulfilled simply because i've named the artist in me. to name myself is only giving direction to the journey. so what is the next step? if i desire to move forward, how can i proceed? how can i proactively become myself even in this place of waiting, waiting, waiting?
purpose and identity
"and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -romans 8:28
this is very easy for me to believe. i trust that God is good and that He maneuvers circumstances for good purposes. i have faith that He is in control and that the world is better off for it.
"for those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son." - romans 8:29
this is a little more difficult for me. i've discovered that--despite all my mantras of how much i long for transformation--i am terrified to hand my identity over to God so that He can work His will on it. i'm scared that if i let God change me here, in this place, He will turn me into a receptionist, make me satisfied to always assist and never orchestrate, fill me with a sense of duty and fulfillment in providing for my family practically, rob me of my dreams and all that i value within myself, strip me of an identity that glories in all things creative, send me up the corporate ladder in conjunction with my "smart one" self.
while i was growing up, my sisters and i created categories so as to avoid sibling rivalry. amy was the pretty one. megan was the talented one. and i was the smart one. i gained this reputation because school always came relatively easily to me. i was good at it.
when i went to wheaton, i couldn't be "the smart one" anymore because everyone was the smart one. i even felt a good deal "less than" because i was a christian education major, which had a reputation for being a joke due to its soul-intensive (as opposed to academics-intensive) nature. this was definitely a blow to my ego, but there were few cases when it actually hurt. after all, i had 15 years of academic evidence of my intelligence prior to going to wheaton. i knew i was smart regardless of (mostly unintentional) projections of intellectual inferiority.
enter contemporary music center (cmc) senior year of college. rock'n'roll camp. in this environment more so than anywhere else, i was empowered to express my creative self. it was a breath of fresh air. leaving academics-driven wheaton and entering into a creative community. to make a very long story short, after graduation, i reapplied to be an artist in residence (cmc's alumni program). and i was rejected. now this was a huge blow. i read the message as "you do not measure up creatively." and this is a hurt that runs very deep. a hurt that has barely been uncovered let alone healed.
i think the difference in the blows lies with this: "smartness" is what i'm good at. "creativity" is what i'm passionate about.
i've been envisioning my perfect little vocation as follows: teaching Christian formation at the college level. i'll go back to school and learn all sorts of things to feed to and grow in hungry minds. i'll do it creatively (passion), and i'll do it in an academic setting (success). this may or may not be the vocational goal and purpose that God has in mind for me. but until He informs (more so forms/transforms) me otherwise, that's what i will pursue as soon as circumstances allow.
but now i find myself in a place of waiting. and sometimes waiting is just waiting. but i think in this case, i am being asked by God to wait creatively. to wait with Emmanuel. to wait with healing in mind. to release the fear of how He will transform me and to whom He will transform me. to trust that not only in His direction of circumstances and purposes but also in matters of identity, He is good.
i've been afraid of God changing me into something i don't want to be, into someone who is the very antithesis of who i am. but if God knew me before the foundations of the world, if He placed me in my family and gave me the gifts and passions that He has, and if i believe He is a good God who does things on purpose, then He will protect whatever i am that needs protecting and reform whatever should be reformed. as long as i white-knuckle my identity, i will always and only be what i am now and increasingly less than. but God desires more for me. He desires transformation, rebirth, renewal, redemption. God desires and is working good things for me and (if i will allow Him) good things in me.
so i anticipate His appearing. i expect His transformation. i hope in His goodness in purpose and identity. in deep hurts and deep healing, come, Lord Jesus.
this is very easy for me to believe. i trust that God is good and that He maneuvers circumstances for good purposes. i have faith that He is in control and that the world is better off for it.
"for those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son." - romans 8:29
this is a little more difficult for me. i've discovered that--despite all my mantras of how much i long for transformation--i am terrified to hand my identity over to God so that He can work His will on it. i'm scared that if i let God change me here, in this place, He will turn me into a receptionist, make me satisfied to always assist and never orchestrate, fill me with a sense of duty and fulfillment in providing for my family practically, rob me of my dreams and all that i value within myself, strip me of an identity that glories in all things creative, send me up the corporate ladder in conjunction with my "smart one" self.
while i was growing up, my sisters and i created categories so as to avoid sibling rivalry. amy was the pretty one. megan was the talented one. and i was the smart one. i gained this reputation because school always came relatively easily to me. i was good at it.
when i went to wheaton, i couldn't be "the smart one" anymore because everyone was the smart one. i even felt a good deal "less than" because i was a christian education major, which had a reputation for being a joke due to its soul-intensive (as opposed to academics-intensive) nature. this was definitely a blow to my ego, but there were few cases when it actually hurt. after all, i had 15 years of academic evidence of my intelligence prior to going to wheaton. i knew i was smart regardless of (mostly unintentional) projections of intellectual inferiority.
enter contemporary music center (cmc) senior year of college. rock'n'roll camp. in this environment more so than anywhere else, i was empowered to express my creative self. it was a breath of fresh air. leaving academics-driven wheaton and entering into a creative community. to make a very long story short, after graduation, i reapplied to be an artist in residence (cmc's alumni program). and i was rejected. now this was a huge blow. i read the message as "you do not measure up creatively." and this is a hurt that runs very deep. a hurt that has barely been uncovered let alone healed.
i think the difference in the blows lies with this: "smartness" is what i'm good at. "creativity" is what i'm passionate about.
i've been envisioning my perfect little vocation as follows: teaching Christian formation at the college level. i'll go back to school and learn all sorts of things to feed to and grow in hungry minds. i'll do it creatively (passion), and i'll do it in an academic setting (success). this may or may not be the vocational goal and purpose that God has in mind for me. but until He informs (more so forms/transforms) me otherwise, that's what i will pursue as soon as circumstances allow.
but now i find myself in a place of waiting. and sometimes waiting is just waiting. but i think in this case, i am being asked by God to wait creatively. to wait with Emmanuel. to wait with healing in mind. to release the fear of how He will transform me and to whom He will transform me. to trust that not only in His direction of circumstances and purposes but also in matters of identity, He is good.
i've been afraid of God changing me into something i don't want to be, into someone who is the very antithesis of who i am. but if God knew me before the foundations of the world, if He placed me in my family and gave me the gifts and passions that He has, and if i believe He is a good God who does things on purpose, then He will protect whatever i am that needs protecting and reform whatever should be reformed. as long as i white-knuckle my identity, i will always and only be what i am now and increasingly less than. but God desires more for me. He desires transformation, rebirth, renewal, redemption. God desires and is working good things for me and (if i will allow Him) good things in me.
so i anticipate His appearing. i expect His transformation. i hope in His goodness in purpose and identity. in deep hurts and deep healing, come, Lord Jesus.
5.05.2008
preparation
i've been going to adult sunday school at church, led by parker (and rachel) page. it's always a rousing time of very...interesting questions raised by the peanut gallery. yesterday morning, we were talking about The Prophet prophesied by moses. as we were discussing characters throughout the bible who filled the roles of prophet, priest, and/or king, someone asked, "why didn't God just send Jesus right away? why make all of these other these other prophets come first?"
in my head, i put together the whole idea of how Jesus coming during the roman empire was ideal because never before and never again was so much of the world unified under one empire. so that historical era was set up perfectly for the spread of Christianity. i thought about the roman roads and all that jazz and was quite satisfied with my own brilliance.
but i think there's even more to it than that. our culture is so obsessed with instant gratification. we want things when we want them, want our needs met before we can feel them, want everything taken care of before it requires any thought or struggle. as much as we claim to value "journey over destination," the instantaneousness and easy accessibility of modern technology have coddled us into the luxury and expectation of instant gratification (and indignance if we are not instantly gratified).
so going back to The Prophet, the Messiah, the Promised One...i think [as much as i can determine the motives of an omniscient God] that the Almighty waited so many centuries and sent so many messengers before Jesus to prepare His people for the arriving of the Christ. as much or as little as He was recognized, Jesus was expected, anticipated, looked for, sought out. the people of israel felt their need for Him.
so often, i have everything i need for survival at my fingertips. i have the abilities and the resources to get (if not everything i want) everything i need. since getting pneumonia on my honeymoon and getting this job, i have felt the stings of unfavorable circumstances like never before. i have felt victimized and under-appreciated and wasted in boredom, monotony, and mediocrity. i have felt disconnected. i have felt the great, deep desire for the skies to open and a Voice from heaven to speak healing and purpose into my life. i have felt my need for God.
more often than not, i think this is how God works. He allows us to experience pain, loneliness, purposelessness, confusion, because these states of being are part of the preparation of our hearts to receive Him...
and the trick is not to wallow. the trick is to be expectant of His arrival, to be less caught up in how we think He should show up and more open to every way that He could show up...to be less concerned with our discomfort and more assured of His perfect timing.
in small groups in youth group, when questions come up that i don't know the answers to, my constant faith rests in the character of God. when there is some sort of gray area or ambiguity or mystery, i hold to the steady, unchanging character of God: always loving, always just, always gracious, always merciful, always always good. it's easy for me to rest in that for life's big, hypothetical questions. it's harder for me to rest in that for the questions that affect me day to day, moment to long moment. waiting. wishing. not quite strong enough to hope.
in my mystery of purpose, vocation, calling, life, i long for a good God. And if this God is truly good, He knows my propensity for oblivion (and consequential misplaced gratitude) too well to lay all things at my feet, to let life be all sunshine and daisies, to allow me to struggle only in the ways i find suitable for my growth. a God who is both loving and good knows that my heart needs preparation, seasoning, expectation, waiting...lest i miss the miracle when it comes.
that's so different from a "this too shall pass" mentality. it's a lifestyle that wakes up every morning thinking, "this could be the day of God's appearing! this could be the day of redemption! there are new mercies rising, and i'm going to find them today!" oh sweet God of mercy, God of goodness and love, let it be so...
in my head, i put together the whole idea of how Jesus coming during the roman empire was ideal because never before and never again was so much of the world unified under one empire. so that historical era was set up perfectly for the spread of Christianity. i thought about the roman roads and all that jazz and was quite satisfied with my own brilliance.
but i think there's even more to it than that. our culture is so obsessed with instant gratification. we want things when we want them, want our needs met before we can feel them, want everything taken care of before it requires any thought or struggle. as much as we claim to value "journey over destination," the instantaneousness and easy accessibility of modern technology have coddled us into the luxury and expectation of instant gratification (and indignance if we are not instantly gratified).
so going back to The Prophet, the Messiah, the Promised One...i think [as much as i can determine the motives of an omniscient God] that the Almighty waited so many centuries and sent so many messengers before Jesus to prepare His people for the arriving of the Christ. as much or as little as He was recognized, Jesus was expected, anticipated, looked for, sought out. the people of israel felt their need for Him.
so often, i have everything i need for survival at my fingertips. i have the abilities and the resources to get (if not everything i want) everything i need. since getting pneumonia on my honeymoon and getting this job, i have felt the stings of unfavorable circumstances like never before. i have felt victimized and under-appreciated and wasted in boredom, monotony, and mediocrity. i have felt disconnected. i have felt the great, deep desire for the skies to open and a Voice from heaven to speak healing and purpose into my life. i have felt my need for God.
more often than not, i think this is how God works. He allows us to experience pain, loneliness, purposelessness, confusion, because these states of being are part of the preparation of our hearts to receive Him...
and the trick is not to wallow. the trick is to be expectant of His arrival, to be less caught up in how we think He should show up and more open to every way that He could show up...to be less concerned with our discomfort and more assured of His perfect timing.
in small groups in youth group, when questions come up that i don't know the answers to, my constant faith rests in the character of God. when there is some sort of gray area or ambiguity or mystery, i hold to the steady, unchanging character of God: always loving, always just, always gracious, always merciful, always always good. it's easy for me to rest in that for life's big, hypothetical questions. it's harder for me to rest in that for the questions that affect me day to day, moment to long moment. waiting. wishing. not quite strong enough to hope.
in my mystery of purpose, vocation, calling, life, i long for a good God. And if this God is truly good, He knows my propensity for oblivion (and consequential misplaced gratitude) too well to lay all things at my feet, to let life be all sunshine and daisies, to allow me to struggle only in the ways i find suitable for my growth. a God who is both loving and good knows that my heart needs preparation, seasoning, expectation, waiting...lest i miss the miracle when it comes.
that's so different from a "this too shall pass" mentality. it's a lifestyle that wakes up every morning thinking, "this could be the day of God's appearing! this could be the day of redemption! there are new mercies rising, and i'm going to find them today!" oh sweet God of mercy, God of goodness and love, let it be so...
4.30.2008
new fingers
i've been in a slump. flatlined. stagnant. bored. waiting. bitter. indignant. and however much i hate that place of being, it's all too easy to stay there.
this morning, a passage from lamentations 3 came to mind. context: the writer spends about 10 verses talking about how awful life has been, the terrible situations that God has put him in, how his bones have been broken and his teeth have been crushed and his prayers have been unheard. he is basically all but dead. verses 17-24:
this morning, a passage from lamentations 3 came to mind. context: the writer spends about 10 verses talking about how awful life has been, the terrible situations that God has put him in, how his bones have been broken and his teeth have been crushed and his prayers have been unheard. he is basically all but dead. verses 17-24:
"my soul is bereft of peace;
i have forgotten what happiness is;
so i say, "my endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD."
remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
my soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.
but this i call to mind, and therefore i have hope:
the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"the LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore i will hope in Him."
so i'm going to hope in new mercies rising with each morning. i'm going to believe that God is good over and above my feelings of injustice and desertion.
i've tried blogging before--i guess it was more like an online journal. and when i was doing it consistently, it was mainly emotional vommit. it was honest but not beneficial. so for this page, i'm trying to have new fingers. i'm trying to maintain honesty without constantly unearthing and wallowing in pits of despair. i'm trying to write the truth i so desperately need to hear.
even as i write this (at work), i have my doubts. i've been interupted by about 7 calls from generally obnoxious people, and my optimism is wavering, slowly yeilding to annoyance ever bubbling up from the wells of my spirit. i don't know how to fight it. but i need to start trying.
hello, fear of failure. welcome back. i understand that in order to live the dynamic life i so desperately desire, i need to face you. i need to expose my heart to breaking. i need to care and to try and to fail and to learn and to grow. so here's to new fingers, new mercies, new mornings, new failures, new adventures, new life.
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