when i interviewed for this job, i was told repeatedly: "you work for department chairs, not all the other 70 odd professors in your departments. they will ask you for work, and you'll have to say, 'no.' you'll be way too busy to handle their work on top of everything else." now, i'm not saying that i was lied to. but. i still have whole stretches of days when i have nothing to do. i think the cause of this is 3-fold: 1) i'm still learning what i'm supposed to be doing. it's possible that i don't yet know every single thing for which i am responsible. 2) just about everything on my "to do" list requires at least one--but usually several--level(s) of approval from people who are way busier than i am. 3) jason thinks that maybe i have an over-developed, super-human work ethic. i don't think this is true. maybe i inherited my mom's hyper-thyroid, although one of the primary differences between my mom and me is that i am perfectly capable of sitting still and doing absolutely nothing for long stretches of time...at least when i'm at home. and maybe that's the ticket: when i am in an atmosphere where i am comfortable, i have no problem relaxing and enjoying having nothing to do. but when i am in a place where i feel awkward, i have the insatiable compulsion to be helpful.
sometimes i wish i were a different sort of person...one who could fill her downtime at work with office chit-chat and attempts to build relationships with my co-workers. even here where i really enjoy all of the people i work with, where i actually want to get to know them, even--gasp--be friends with them, i find it extremely difficult to overcome my "i don't want to bother anyone" complex and initiate--or even participate in--friendly interactions. weird, right? i'm a friendly person. i like people (mostly). i'm not exceptionally awkward or intimidatable.
but i think different spheres hold different values for me. if you asked me on any given day, "what is the most important thing on earth?", i would probably say "community, people, relationships," and i believe this. there is not a single more important investment of time and energy and love than another human being. (some might argue personal devotion to God, but i happen to believe that our devotion to God is meant to be lived out in the context of community. i think Jesus believes this, too.)
but in the context of a work environment, my primary values are productivity, efficiency, and competence. when my coworkers talk about me, what i would most want them to say is, "robin is really good at her job. when i need something done right and quickly, she's the one to go to. i can always count on her. she can do it all." not to be braggy, but that's been my reputation at every job i've ever had. i am a work horse. i go the extra mile. and i'm proud of that. i think my coworkers all think i'm nice and pleasant. but they don't know that i'm also deep and passionate. they have no idea that i have more to offer than copier-unjamming skills and fast turn-around times. and i don't feel compelled to show them. in my 5 or so years of working, i can count the number of deep, meaningful conversations with a coworker on one hand. pretty crazy, huh? cause i love deep, meaningful conversations. but the opportunities aren't readily available, and i don't seek them out. because when i am at work, that busy-busy-busy compulsion takes over and the rest of robin goes to sleep.
this got me thinking, if i hold different values in the different roles and arenas of my life, what do i want to be said of me everywhere else?
at work: that i am efficient, reliable, and speedyquick
in my marriage: that i am fun, supportive, and easy to love
with my friends: that i am imaginative and deep and a good listener
at church: that i am helpful, wise beyond my years, and friendly
for my family: that i am high-spirited, loving, and available
for myself: that i am talented, passionate, and competent
and everywhere: that i am honest, creative, and smart.
this isn't to say that i actually am all of these things. in fact, i'm mostly not these things. i fail to reach these ideals a lot, especially with my family. if you asked anyone in my family if i am "available," they would probably either laugh or cry. and if you asked jason if i am "easy to love," he would probably be more nice than honest. but these are the things that i really want to be.
how about you? what do you want to be said of you in the many spheres of your life?
(and yes, this may or may not be a shameless plea for comments. but i'm also curious. and i think it's a good thing to think about. so....readygo!!)
who i am
- Robin
- floundering in a sea of identity. tossed about by waves of art, faith, and love. transformation at all costs. i used to call myself a songwriter. now i'm not so sure. i'm hoping i'm still in there somewhere. hidden. waiting to be reborn.
4 comments:
i just made a shameless plea for comments too (but yeah, I wanted to know too, and all the big blogs do it right?) and i got less takers than usual so i figured i'd help you out.
Big ones i wish people would say about me are:
integrity, great work ethic, solidity, not stopping short of excellence, open to correction, seeing beyond appearance (this one needs some major work), Jesus-loving, people-loving, bad-ass.
I need some major work on most of these. I don't think I can separate them though. I want these things in every area of my life.
Almost all of my (so-called) wisdom comes from getting dumped by girls; what follows is no exception.
As I was complaining about a girl to my friend Nick one day while in college, he basically called me out and said that the person he saw me being in my role as the pres of CU was very different from the person he saw me being as a boyfriend. He was right, and in spite of the glaring differences in the ways I was relating to these people I didn't see it. Since that moment I have tried to be the same person in all of my relationships, but it's impossible. I'm an introvert who spends all day investing in relationships. By the time my day at work is done, I need to let the other side of my personality breathe. A lot of times this comes across as selfishness and distance, which I suppose, it is. But I don't think it's wrong.
I love what you say about community and faith being inextricable, but I think we need to recognize that a lot of the most important work of the Kingdom requires solitude. Would any of the great books have been written otherwise? Other work requires focus on the duty at hand and not necessarily on relational maintenance. Strategic planning and leadership often require the prioritization of certain things over people.
I would hope that we would all recognize the need for individuals to focus on different priorities at different times. I'd hope my friends would describe me as someone who was as present with them as he could be when together, but also proud of the fact that certain important other things were accomplished at work that might have required the neglect of phone calls and emails to old buddies.
I'm rambling and need to change the song. If nothing else Robin, I'd say that as a blogger you're an A+
thanks, eric. i think you're a pretty swell blogger, too. :o)
i hear what you're saying. i find myself in the opposite situation: an extrovert who spends her entire day at work by herself. as such, it's easy for me to put the highest value on what i crave the most. so i apologize for my bias...but let's flesh this out a little more...
i think that what i'm talking about requires a little bigger box to hold community. i don't define community only as spending time with your friends or with other believers. anything we do that affects other people is us taking part in community. you are productive at work so that the college runs more smoothly, and the aim of the college is to educate people to be better people who help other people. so maybe you're neglecting answering someone's phone call in order to get stuff done. but a choice to complete a task is ultimately still a choice FOR people. authors spend time alone in order to write books so that their wisdom or their story can be shared with other people, so it's still a communal act. the most removed and obscure trade or science or occupation trickles down to somehow affecting other people. and even our most "selfish" times of retreat better prepare us to re-enter the world to interact more healthily with other people. and because of that, even solitude can be an act FOR other people, just as much as it's an act for ourselves.
because solitude is a healing act, it's important. it's not selfish; it's healthy. our souls need it. Jesus says so. it's our chance to separate ourselves from the busyness and constant fragmentation of our lives and to become whole people. and that in and of itself is a holy goal.
but even the medieval monks and mystics, who lead lives devoted to solitude, still took on disciples and wrote books and served their brothers and sisters and their communities at large. and i think that's because we're given two greatest commandments:
1) love the Lord... and 2) love your neighbor. we're called to live out holiness in the context of loving others. and that's why we're so screwed by all the "personal relationship with Jesus Christ" nonsense. yes, your relationship with Jesus is THE most personal thing you can have, but it's also THE most communal thing you can be a part of. because in as much as your relationship with God stops with your solitude, it's incomplete, just as a life lived constantly in the presence of others would be incomplete. but in as much as that solitude strengthens you to love your neighbor as a more healthy and complete person, that's the solitude that Christ calls us to take part in. and i'm not just talking about solitude as "quiet time" with God, reading your Bible, praying, listening, etc. i know that some people get refreshed and energized by being by themselves, regardless of the "activity." so if being by yourself is what you need to retain sanity and balance, that's exactly what you should be making a high priority in your day. but you're not allowed to stay there. because ultimately, we are called live with and for others.
::stepping off of soapbox, returning to completing tasks in solitude::
Love the updates. Sorry this is probably way to late for any thoughtful reply. Just wanted you to know I'm still reading.
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