secrets, sovereignty, and a sorry attempt at good news

i've written and saved and not posted quite a few entries over the past three months. so i've been more secretive than silent. and i suppose that's good. i've been struggling with the balance of wanting to be honest and not wanting to be depressing. i guess i'll break the secret here.

i've had a very difficult time coming back from Christmas vacation. to be very broad and theological, i'm struggling with questions of God's sovereignty, not whether or not He is in control, but more so the hidden motives behind His control, when to wait on Him and when to take ownership of my life and do something, those sorts of things. because if i believe in "God's economy," if i believe He doesn't waste anything, then i have to believe that this season in my life has a purpose, that it's preparing me for something. and if that's the case, then the inescapable conclusion is that i am purposed to be a human sacrifice, slowly burning out for the needs of the people around me and for God, with all of this untapped potential in me for the sole purpose of having something to give up for God. now the last i heard, God was not in the business of making extraordinary people mediocre. i had always thought that He was about doing things the other way around. and i'm trying very hard to believe that...even now, even in this dark and constricting place. but it's easier to believe what i see and experience and feel than to hope. because if the hope disappoints, i will break. and the damage will be irreparable.

so unfortunately, i don't have sunshine and daisies for you today. i write only to inform the general blogosphere that i'm still alive. some days it feels more like hanging on by threads than actually living, but my heart is still beating. my lungs are still somewhat functional. i've got brain waves and a pulse and all of those other vital signs. and in the end, i suppose that's good news.