connect the dots (la la la la la)

i've been hiding from songwriting. i've been thinking that being a singer/songwriter is incompatible with my lifestyle as a wife. i've been satisfied with my decision to get married sooner instead of taking what little show i had on the road. i had said that this was better for me, that i had to choose, that some part of me would have to inevitably win out over another, that i couldn't be whole.

but the dots i avoided and refused to connect were a) "rejection from cmc" leads to c) "not finding inspiration for songwriting." i very conveniently made b) "decided to take marriage seriously and be a grown up" when b) should have been "suffered from supposed failure and feelings of not good enough."

it's funny how i tidily name my scars instead of looking them in the face and doing the dirty work to find out what they call themselves. with my tidy little designation for b) i was in control. it was my decision. i was unscathed, unaffected. responsible.

but here is the truth: i'm hiding from songwriting thinking if i return to it, i will be a bad wife, when in reality, i'm hiding from songwriting thinking that if i return to it, i will be a bad songwriter. and there you have it.

not that that makes it easier. calling the scar by its proper name doesn't make it hurt any less. it just places the displaced hurt back where it belongs. but now that i know the truth, there is hope for healing. it'll take some courage. it'll take a lot of grace. but there is hope. time to be brave and rip off the band-aid. readygo.