wholeness

so when i married jason, i decided to not be whole. let me make myself perfectly clear. jason wants me to be whole. he is constantly encouraging me to be myself and do the things that i love and try new things.

but jason and i are very different in a lot of ways. and usually, this means perfect compatibility. we fill in and challenge each other's weak spots. we need each other's strengths to be complete people. so usually, it's a perfect fit. and we are in deep bliss. :o)

but sometimes, i fear that feeding the parts of me that are most unlike jason will cause a rift between us. which is definitely not what i want. so i feed the parts that most tidily compliment him. and this is the decision that i made when i decided to "get serious" about married life. i would be jason's other half. i would be his support

and that's the life that i found here. i have this job that provides everything that we need: good pay, great health insurance, enough money to save and pay down some debt. we're serving together in multiple capacities at a wonderful church. we do everything together from grocery shopping to driving to and from work to watching sports. pretty much every moment that we're not at work, we're doing something together. and i love that. jason could probably use a little more time to himself, which i occassionally notice and try to give him. but for the most part, he's really happy to spend the majority of his moments with me. i guess he likes me or something.

so i have this perfect little life with an amazing husband and a great church with lots of opportunities for service and involvement and this really solid job. and i am unsatisfied. in fact, i'm pretty miserable. i blame my job, the boredom, the monotony. i say that i need to find a job that allows me to be robin. one that honors and encourages creativity. one that honors a good work ethic. one where i can be used to my greatest potential and challenged and stretched occasionally. one that's frantic enough to keep me busy. i'd even take one that's a little interesting.

but at some point, this conversaion needs to not be about my job. it needs to be about who i am no matter where i am. and in order for that conversation to be authentic and fruitful (as opposed to a lot of whining about a boring job), i need to invite God into the conversation. i need to let Him direct me.

all this time, i've been kind of bitter about this job. "it's not fair. i'm being wasted here. why did God put me here? waawaawaa." but i think this place may be more than just an open, empty forum that gives me the time and space to ask these deep questions of identity. this place, this job, this life puts into sharp and blinding focus that it isn't enough for me to just be "jason's wife" and nothing more. i have everything that i thought i wanted and needed. and i'm miserable. and as it turns out, that misery is God's mercy.

i've been struggling with understanding who God is when i'm unhappy. and i think here is the tip of the iceberg of an answer: God loves me too much to let me be happy when i am being less than who He created me to be. God loves me too much to allow me to be satisfied with being less than whole. God loves me too much to let me settle for being merely a support to jason's vision. i am jason's wife. and i love being jason's wife. but that is not all that i am. that's not all i was created to be. i was created to be robin merideth giberson lawrenz. and there will never be another.

seeing my dissatisfaction not as a character flaw, not as something to be overcome and stamped out, but rather as the mercy of a loving God who wants to open up worlds to me, who wants me to be everything He made me to be, who wants me to know Him as fully as i am capaible of knowing Him...that makes all the difference in the world. because if God is the source, the gift is good. the gift is hope that will not disappoint. the gift is longing with the promise of fulfillment. i don't have to choose to feed one part of me and to slowly (or abruptly) kill another. i can be whole! and that is very good news.