purpose and identity

"and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -romans 8:28

this is very easy for me to believe. i trust that God is good and that He maneuvers circumstances for good purposes. i have faith that He is in control and that the world is better off for it.

"for those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son." - romans 8:29

this is a little more difficult for me. i've discovered that--despite all my mantras of how much i long for transformation--i am terrified to hand my identity over to God so that He can work His will on it. i'm scared that if i let God change me here, in this place, He will turn me into a receptionist, make me satisfied to always assist and never orchestrate, fill me with a sense of duty and fulfillment in providing for my family practically, rob me of my dreams and all that i value within myself, strip me of an identity that glories in all things creative, send me up the corporate ladder in conjunction with my "smart one" self.

while i was growing up, my sisters and i created categories so as to avoid sibling rivalry. amy was the pretty one. megan was the talented one. and i was the smart one. i gained this reputation because school always came relatively easily to me. i was good at it.

when i went to wheaton, i couldn't be "the smart one" anymore because everyone was the smart one. i even felt a good deal "less than" because i was a christian education major, which had a reputation for being a joke due to its soul-intensive (as opposed to academics-intensive) nature. this was definitely a blow to my ego, but there were few cases when it actually hurt. after all, i had 15 years of academic evidence of my intelligence prior to going to wheaton. i knew i was smart regardless of (mostly unintentional) projections of intellectual inferiority.

enter contemporary music center (cmc) senior year of college. rock'n'roll camp. in this environment more so than anywhere else, i was empowered to express my creative self. it was a breath of fresh air. leaving academics-driven wheaton and entering into a creative community. to make a very long story short, after graduation, i reapplied to be an artist in residence (cmc's alumni program). and i was rejected. now this was a huge blow. i read the message as "you do not measure up creatively." and this is a hurt that runs very deep. a hurt that has barely been uncovered let alone healed.

i think the difference in the blows lies with this: "smartness" is what i'm good at. "creativity" is what i'm passionate about.

i've been envisioning my perfect little vocation as follows: teaching Christian formation at the college level. i'll go back to school and learn all sorts of things to feed to and grow in hungry minds. i'll do it creatively (passion), and i'll do it in an academic setting (success). this may or may not be the vocational goal and purpose that God has in mind for me. but until He informs (more so forms/transforms) me otherwise, that's what i will pursue as soon as circumstances allow.

but now i find myself in a place of waiting. and sometimes waiting is just waiting. but i think in this case, i am being asked by God to wait creatively. to wait with Emmanuel. to wait with healing in mind. to release the fear of how He will transform me and to whom He will transform me. to trust that not only in His direction of circumstances and purposes but also in matters of identity, He is good.

i've been afraid of God changing me into something i don't want to be, into someone who is the very antithesis of who i am. but if God knew me before the foundations of the world, if He placed me in my family and gave me the gifts and passions that He has, and if i believe He is a good God who does things on purpose, then He will protect whatever i am that needs protecting and reform whatever should be reformed. as long as i white-knuckle my identity, i will always and only be what i am now and increasingly less than. but God desires more for me. He desires transformation, rebirth, renewal, redemption. God desires and is working good things for me and (if i will allow Him) good things in me.

so i anticipate His appearing. i expect His transformation. i hope in His goodness in purpose and identity. in deep hurts and deep healing, come, Lord Jesus.