my sundown

this past saturday morning was the "morning of grace," a monthly women's prayer meeting (sort of) at my church. i generally love morning of grace. the women in my church are pretty amazing. but there is one little problem: saturday morning is not generally a time i like to commit to anything other than wildly indulgent sleeping in.

so as i was lying in bed trying to decide whether or not to go, i had pretty much settled into a firm and decisive "no." i was tired. so what if i miss morning of grace? it'll be there next month. and the month after that. and as i rolled over and got all snuggly in my nice, warm, comfortable bed, "my sundown" (a jimmy eat world song) randomly slipped into my head.

it started with the more disinterested lines:
"with one hand high, you'll show them your progress.
you'll take your time, but no one cares."

but then i remembered the opening lines of the song:
"i see it around me. i see it in everything.
i could be so much more than this."

dang it. alright, Jesus, i guess i'm going to morning of grace.

when i got there (a little late), i found that the theme for the morning was psalm 139. and i chuckled to myself. because God is just funny.

the leader for the morning gave us beth moore's outline for psalm 139 as follows:
1. i am known.
2. i need to be known.
3. i'm scared to be known.
4. i've always been known.
5. i can know because i am known.
6. my enemies are known.
7. my anxieties are known.
8. i give God permission to know--complete surrender.

so i reflected a little and tried to reason out with God on paper what was going on. i'll let you listen in the prayer that followed:

God, i do want to be known.
but i am scared to be changed.
and i know that You are a dynamic God
Who will not leave me as i am.
Your desire is for constant proximity.
and how can i stand in Your presence unaltered?
i fear that i don't want Your calling.
i fear it is too hard, too high for me.
i fear that You will not empower me
to carry out Your plans.
i fear much struggle along the way.
i fear the weakness in myself to yield
but to do so with bitterness and spite.
and even as i write, i am ashamed.
i have already become what i despise:
timid, demanding my rights, settled.
in clinging so tightly to "who-i-am"
i have collapsed into myself
and changed my freedom and passion and moxy
for fear and bitter acceptance.
so yes, i want to be known,
but as i was, not as i am.
and i fear the process of restoration.
i fear your words of reproof
even though they are words of Life,
Life i long for but am too timid to pursue.

but, God, You do know me,
and You hold (tighter than even i do)
to the dreadful and wonderful truth
that You crafted me on purpose.
who better to protect and preserve my identity
than He Who formed it with His own hands?
who better to revive and recover me
than He Who first breathed into me life?
He Who began a good work in me will see it through.
indeed, such knowledge is too wonderful for me.
for You call me to release my grip from what i treasure.
You call me to run hard in pursuit of You.
You call me to lay aside whatever hinders,
even if it is my very own self.
and if i don't?
if i run hard in the other direction,
if i blind my eyes and dull my senses,
if i stand watchful guard over my heart
not granting Your river of Life admittance...
i am no less known, no less guided by You, but
i am living from empty stores.
so in my battered and bruised understanding
of what it is to be known by You,
i fear the correction, the path, the Life You offer.

so yes, i want to be known.
i want to be known by a God of power.
i want to be rediscovered by a God of movement.
i want to be searched by a God of deep mercy.
but He already knows me to the utmost.
and if i likewise want to know myself,
He Himself must lift my head.
and i, timid and bruised,
must stand in His presence and wait.


--but i have waited 'til i am weary,
for i have filled my waiting with adolescent angst,
holding tightly to a state of being misunderstood.
but if truth is what i seek,
i cannot be possessed by misunderstanding.
for my God understands me completely.
what's more, He made and sustains me.
He has never, ever let me go.
so tired, in surrender, i cannot stand.
i run until i fall into Love,
a Love so deep as to completely hem me in.
yes, i want to be known.
but may i never be known without Love.

this Love that You give
is too rich, too good, too complete
to leave me as i am.
so i ask with a weakened, pleading, empty heart
that You would grant me the courage and the strength
to know Your Love without constraint,
to not fear Your admonition,
to live in the full understanding
of Your deep and penetrating grace.
You, oh God, have run hard in pursuit of me.
You have given me everything,
even Your very own Self.
You have set the example of redeeming life
by the surrender of self.
Lord, grant me that kind of abandon.
show me more of Who You are that i might live.
and as i live, give me the passion
to live in light of the truth
that You know me,
that You love me,
and that You are good.