everything i need

where do i even begin? it's been coming at me from all angles lately, and i'm trying to fight the battle between the necessity to do work right now and the compulsion to share every detail of my past 2 weeks, which included a second honeymoon to disney world (best week of my entire life ever ever...too much goodness) and more than a few insights. i guess i'll start with the major insight and see how far i get before the guilt of not doing work builds up too much to ignore.

before i left for disney world, i had this "aha" moment. what i want more than anything else is to be creative, and that is how the image of God is reflected in me. i want to be a little creator, and i think God is pleased with that. i think that's who He created me to be. He put in me His desire to see raw materials (whether its fabric and thread or words and notes or paper and colors) brought together to make something beautiful, some representation of life and truth.

as i was thinking about that, He said, "you have everything you need right now to live." (i knew He meant that i have all of the raw materials that i need to be creative and to thrive in my current context.) i was a little startled by that revelation because i've been thinking the opposite for so long. "i don't have the space." "i don't have the time." "i don't have the creative community." "i don't have the inspiration." "i don't have the creative energy." so hearing that He has given me everything that i need, i realized that (here is the "aha") conditions will never be ideal. right now, it's a job that bores and annoys me and a lack of people to create with. in a few years, it will be that i'm too busy with kids or i feel guilty spending money on materials because jason and i are being supported by the church. but in my life right now, i have a craft space. i have a job that gets me home by 5:00. and i have a bunch of stuff lying around that's waiting to be put together. and i think that God wants to use this time in my life to start to develop the discipline i've always lacked when i'm without a clear deadline. i think He wants me to stop making excuses and to learn to see and cultivate inspiration, even when everything seems dark. so i've decided to create something start to finish every week, whether it's a song or a sewing project or something special to eat. it's a very small goal, but i figure...baby steps. i need to start to cultivate a habit of creativity that hopefully will someday lead to a lifestyle of creativity. and there's the hope i've been so desperate for over the past year and a half. i now have some sort of purpose, a goal, a way to see this time in my life as more than a waste or a beating. i'm not stuck. i have everything i need to live.

and with that little spark dimly but relentlessly gleaming, i need to get back to the paperwork that piled up while jason and i were living it up in the happiest place on earth. anybody else want to move to florida and work at disney world with me??