12.08.2009
9.25.2009
holy listening
i know i've talked about spiritual direction quite a bit on this blog. but last night, i had quite a different experience with it that i wanted to share. first, a little back story...
in small group on wednesday night, we broke into twos and practiced "holy listening." one person is the speaker and the other is the listener. the speaker shares where God has been for them over the past week and the listener listens. when the speaker finishes, the listener doesn't give advice or try to analyze or fix anything or share how she had experienced something similar. she maybe asks a clarifying question or two, but on the whole, the listener simply bares witness to God's presence, notices God's movement, and receives the speaker. that's basically what spiritual direction is. after our time of speaking and listening, we came back together as a group and shared what the time was like for us. then our group's leader encouraged us to allow God to be our "holy listener" and to be His holy listener in return.
i've been in a strange place with God over the past couple of months...not bitter or resentful like i was last year. having discarded some of the unhelpful images and ideas i had about God, i've been waiting for Him to show up and replace those images with His true self. but i am still very tentative with Him. He hasn't fully regained my trust. and so my invitations to Him have been awkward and irresolute. it's been difficult for me to pray, wanting Him to open up the sky and speak to me, scared of what He would say, more scared that He wouldn't show up at all. so even in my new plan of "initiating" contact with Him in order to be more receptive to His presence, i've still just been speaking to myself, too scared to actually invite Him to participate in the conversation for fear of rejection or abandonment in some form or another.
so last night, i decided to pray a little differently. i dusted off my journal, and i began to write. i told God that i wasn't ready to invite Him to speak quite yet but that He was more than welcome to be my holy listener, to be with me as i journaled to myself, to bear witness to where I was and to simply be with me there.
maybe this isn't any sort of revelation for anyone else. maybe this is how you've prayed all your life. but it's something different for me. i receive love in presence and in interaction. i've always had someone i can pour my heart out to, and that they listen and respond is how i am affirmed in our relationship. my relationship with God used to be like that. i wouldn't hear audible voices or anything, but my prayers were by and large interactive. i don't really know how to explain it any better than that. but in the past few years, i haven't felt that exchange from God. i've felt abandoned and manipulated by Him, or rather, who I believed Him to be. so now, in this season of regaining some footing and rediscovering Who He Is, it was incredibly peace giving to just talk and for Him to just listen, to just be with me. i could feel Him. and He wasn't shushing me to get a word in, He wasn't chiding me for not letting Him speak. He was just there. listening. loving me. receiving what i had to say. and i just talked to Him, not even about my relationship with Him, just about what i was going through in those moments.
i haven't returned the favor of being His listener quite yet. i'm still fearful of the isolation i would feel if He didn't show up or the guilt He could inflict upon me if He wasn't pleased with me. i know He has the power to destroy me--not with lightning bolts or a giant thumb smiting me, although He could--but with His Word and how He chooses to reveal Himself to me or hide Himself from me. and I am terrified. but last night, He was gentle. last night, He was content to just listen and receive me where i was. and that was a gift.
in small group on wednesday night, we broke into twos and practiced "holy listening." one person is the speaker and the other is the listener. the speaker shares where God has been for them over the past week and the listener listens. when the speaker finishes, the listener doesn't give advice or try to analyze or fix anything or share how she had experienced something similar. she maybe asks a clarifying question or two, but on the whole, the listener simply bares witness to God's presence, notices God's movement, and receives the speaker. that's basically what spiritual direction is. after our time of speaking and listening, we came back together as a group and shared what the time was like for us. then our group's leader encouraged us to allow God to be our "holy listener" and to be His holy listener in return.
i've been in a strange place with God over the past couple of months...not bitter or resentful like i was last year. having discarded some of the unhelpful images and ideas i had about God, i've been waiting for Him to show up and replace those images with His true self. but i am still very tentative with Him. He hasn't fully regained my trust. and so my invitations to Him have been awkward and irresolute. it's been difficult for me to pray, wanting Him to open up the sky and speak to me, scared of what He would say, more scared that He wouldn't show up at all. so even in my new plan of "initiating" contact with Him in order to be more receptive to His presence, i've still just been speaking to myself, too scared to actually invite Him to participate in the conversation for fear of rejection or abandonment in some form or another.
so last night, i decided to pray a little differently. i dusted off my journal, and i began to write. i told God that i wasn't ready to invite Him to speak quite yet but that He was more than welcome to be my holy listener, to be with me as i journaled to myself, to bear witness to where I was and to simply be with me there.
maybe this isn't any sort of revelation for anyone else. maybe this is how you've prayed all your life. but it's something different for me. i receive love in presence and in interaction. i've always had someone i can pour my heart out to, and that they listen and respond is how i am affirmed in our relationship. my relationship with God used to be like that. i wouldn't hear audible voices or anything, but my prayers were by and large interactive. i don't really know how to explain it any better than that. but in the past few years, i haven't felt that exchange from God. i've felt abandoned and manipulated by Him, or rather, who I believed Him to be. so now, in this season of regaining some footing and rediscovering Who He Is, it was incredibly peace giving to just talk and for Him to just listen, to just be with me. i could feel Him. and He wasn't shushing me to get a word in, He wasn't chiding me for not letting Him speak. He was just there. listening. loving me. receiving what i had to say. and i just talked to Him, not even about my relationship with Him, just about what i was going through in those moments.
i haven't returned the favor of being His listener quite yet. i'm still fearful of the isolation i would feel if He didn't show up or the guilt He could inflict upon me if He wasn't pleased with me. i know He has the power to destroy me--not with lightning bolts or a giant thumb smiting me, although He could--but with His Word and how He chooses to reveal Himself to me or hide Himself from me. and I am terrified. but last night, He was gentle. last night, He was content to just listen and receive me where i was. and that was a gift.
9.16.2009
Molly-olly-oxenfree
on friday night, jason and i headed down to jersey for a quick 24 trip to meet my new niece, molly grace benson. let me just say, i am so in love. she is the smallest, sweetest, most adorable little baby ever. ever. here are a couple pictures to solidify the point:
besides molly-gazing and holding and loving, we fit a lot into a very short amount of time. in the 12 hours we were awake in jersey: we met our niece, jason and justin went golfing, we ate three delicious meals, saw megan and justin's house-remodeling in progress, took a walk, saw josiah's first experience with real food (liquid rice cereal), spent time with my grandfather, got our truck fixed (the gear shifter was jammed and wouldn't shift into park), ichatted with amy and jesse, and my mom and i did a little felting. a very busy day proceeded by and followed by 6 hours driving from and back to boston. *phew.*
i[re-]learned a few things from my trip back to the Promised Land (aka south jersey):
Fishy Face!
besides molly-gazing and holding and loving, we fit a lot into a very short amount of time. in the 12 hours we were awake in jersey: we met our niece, jason and justin went golfing, we ate three delicious meals, saw megan and justin's house-remodeling in progress, took a walk, saw josiah's first experience with real food (liquid rice cereal), spent time with my grandfather, got our truck fixed (the gear shifter was jammed and wouldn't shift into park), ichatted with amy and jesse, and my mom and i did a little felting. a very busy day proceeded by and followed by 6 hours driving from and back to boston. *phew.*i[re-]learned a few things from my trip back to the Promised Land (aka south jersey):
- i love my family. i desperately want to live closer to them, but in the mean time, i'm so glad that we are in weekend-trip-driving distance.
- south jersey water is the best water on the planet. it's just sweeter and more refreshing and delicious than any other water anywhere.
- i love being an aunt to all my little nephews and niece.
- i'm getting more comfortable with babies. not quite sure where that's going to lead except that pretty soon, maternity leave will not be the only reason i want one.
- jason is an excellent road-tripping companion.
- i don't know what the world did before gps's.
- despite very enticing sunday plans that would include hanging out with friends and picking apples and eating apple cider donuts, if i have a busy saturday, i cannot escape the allure of the sunday afternoon nap.
Fishy Face!9.04.2009
Revelations in Time Management, Isolation, and Extroversion
I've gotten a little of track the past couple weeks with my other blog...not quite keeping up with my weekly deadline as well as I would like. I think for the most part, I've been handling my weekly challenge in a healthy way, not becoming too obsessed about it or too upset with myself when I'm a few days late or when my projects are not as awe-inspiring as I think they should be.
But this week, I had a breakdown...one of my hardest falls in a very long time. I was in deep despair over my future and my ability to be a functional human being. Here's what happened:
Jason and I made plans to hang out in our guest room/craft room/study. He was going to blog or study Greek, and I was going to make something. But then Jason remembered that there was an event on campus that he was supposed to attend, and I told him that was fine. I had plenty to do to keep myself busy. So he left, and I looked around the kitchen and thought about making dinner, but the sink was full of dirty dishes, including the pan I needed, so I sat down on the couch and started reading The Last Unicorn, which apparently is this great fantasy classic that I had never read. (I'm about half way through now, and I can't say that the story is very compelling or that the characters are overly likable, but it is very well written.) So I started reading, and with every approaching end of a chapter, I told myself that I would get up off the couch and make myself dinner and then I would get started on a crafty project. The chapters slipped by, and so did the hours, and before I knew it, it was almost 9:00, and I was still on the couch. I hadn't eaten a thing. And I had no energy to get up and be productive, even in a fun and creative way.
This happens to me a lot. I'll have these great big plans to do something when Jason is gone, and I'll end up wasting my entire night. The reality of this hit me that night, and I completely lost it. I began to think about what it is going to take for me to be able to start my own business: discipline, perseverance, energy, motivation, drive, passion, initiative. I began telling myself that I didn't have any of these qualities and that I would never succeed because I am incapable of being alone. I told myself that I was completely dysfunctional and that I would always have to have a job that I hated because I can't do anything by myself. It was unbearably depressing. I spent quite a long time crying on the bathroom floor in the dark.
When Jason and I talked about my melt down, I told him that I wished that I wasn't so dysfunctional, that I could just be a normal human being. I told him that when I'm by myself, I am incapable of conjuring up the energy to be anything but lazy and unmotivated. And he told me that that doesn't make me dysfunctional--that makes me an extrovert. He said that feeling lonely doesn't make me less of a person--it makes me human. And that's alright. He suggested that when I'm by myself, I should set smaller goals like "eat dinner," and if that's all I do, that's okay. Emily gave me similar advice a few weeks ago when I was in Chicago, saying that doing nothing was a perfectly sufficient way to spend an evening by myself, and I should give myself permission to do that. Through Jason's and Emily's counsel, I came to the following realization:
I shouldn't expect my alone time to be my most productive time.
That might seem small and inconsequential. Or it may seem absurdly obvious to anyone who knows me well. I have always been more productive when someone else is in the room, even if we don't say a word to each other. By their mere presence, they energize me for the task at hand. And yet, when I have time to myself, I expect that I should be able to accomplish great feats of creative brilliance, complete and concrete and furiously productive. Clearly, those are ridiculous expectations. But I don't think I'm alone in envisioning that artists should be able to create by themselves. And I so desperately want to be an artist.
Jason and I went to convocation this morning at Gordon. (Convocation is kinda like chapel but more academically focused. Every Friday instead of chapel, there is convocation. The theme for convocation this year is Creativity.) There were a panel of faculty, each presenting a different aspect of creativity. One professor started her presentation by naming several creative people: Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso, some writer I had never heard of. She asked us to picture each person. She asked if we envisioned them with the tools of their craft. Most people did. Then she asked if anyone pictured these creative geniuses with anyone else. Not a single hand was raised. She said that is was interesting and devastating how our culture elevates the work of the individual and conjures stereotypes that we can and should and do accomplish great things in isolation. The reality is that each of the creative people she mentioned had a co-collaborator, someone to listen and reflect their ideas. She reminded us that we were created to be social beings. That is not a weakness. Our need for other people is a mark of the image of God in us. Even God Himself creates in the community of the Trinity. If we are His image-bearers, how much more do we, the created, need to approach creative work in a communal context!
It was healing for me to hear today that even the most brilliant creators in history did not create in a vacuum of isolation. It gives me hope that I can achieve something after all. It gives me the freedom to need people and to be honest with myself about that need. And maybe if I can be honest about my needs, I can slow the crippling bottling I do when I am hurting. And maybe I can find the motivation to reach out to people, who might need me just as much as I need them.
But this week, I had a breakdown...one of my hardest falls in a very long time. I was in deep despair over my future and my ability to be a functional human being. Here's what happened:
Jason and I made plans to hang out in our guest room/craft room/study. He was going to blog or study Greek, and I was going to make something. But then Jason remembered that there was an event on campus that he was supposed to attend, and I told him that was fine. I had plenty to do to keep myself busy. So he left, and I looked around the kitchen and thought about making dinner, but the sink was full of dirty dishes, including the pan I needed, so I sat down on the couch and started reading The Last Unicorn, which apparently is this great fantasy classic that I had never read. (I'm about half way through now, and I can't say that the story is very compelling or that the characters are overly likable, but it is very well written.) So I started reading, and with every approaching end of a chapter, I told myself that I would get up off the couch and make myself dinner and then I would get started on a crafty project. The chapters slipped by, and so did the hours, and before I knew it, it was almost 9:00, and I was still on the couch. I hadn't eaten a thing. And I had no energy to get up and be productive, even in a fun and creative way.
This happens to me a lot. I'll have these great big plans to do something when Jason is gone, and I'll end up wasting my entire night. The reality of this hit me that night, and I completely lost it. I began to think about what it is going to take for me to be able to start my own business: discipline, perseverance, energy, motivation, drive, passion, initiative. I began telling myself that I didn't have any of these qualities and that I would never succeed because I am incapable of being alone. I told myself that I was completely dysfunctional and that I would always have to have a job that I hated because I can't do anything by myself. It was unbearably depressing. I spent quite a long time crying on the bathroom floor in the dark.
When Jason and I talked about my melt down, I told him that I wished that I wasn't so dysfunctional, that I could just be a normal human being. I told him that when I'm by myself, I am incapable of conjuring up the energy to be anything but lazy and unmotivated. And he told me that that doesn't make me dysfunctional--that makes me an extrovert. He said that feeling lonely doesn't make me less of a person--it makes me human. And that's alright. He suggested that when I'm by myself, I should set smaller goals like "eat dinner," and if that's all I do, that's okay. Emily gave me similar advice a few weeks ago when I was in Chicago, saying that doing nothing was a perfectly sufficient way to spend an evening by myself, and I should give myself permission to do that. Through Jason's and Emily's counsel, I came to the following realization:
I shouldn't expect my alone time to be my most productive time.
That might seem small and inconsequential. Or it may seem absurdly obvious to anyone who knows me well. I have always been more productive when someone else is in the room, even if we don't say a word to each other. By their mere presence, they energize me for the task at hand. And yet, when I have time to myself, I expect that I should be able to accomplish great feats of creative brilliance, complete and concrete and furiously productive. Clearly, those are ridiculous expectations. But I don't think I'm alone in envisioning that artists should be able to create by themselves. And I so desperately want to be an artist.
Jason and I went to convocation this morning at Gordon. (Convocation is kinda like chapel but more academically focused. Every Friday instead of chapel, there is convocation. The theme for convocation this year is Creativity.) There were a panel of faculty, each presenting a different aspect of creativity. One professor started her presentation by naming several creative people: Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso, some writer I had never heard of. She asked us to picture each person. She asked if we envisioned them with the tools of their craft. Most people did. Then she asked if anyone pictured these creative geniuses with anyone else. Not a single hand was raised. She said that is was interesting and devastating how our culture elevates the work of the individual and conjures stereotypes that we can and should and do accomplish great things in isolation. The reality is that each of the creative people she mentioned had a co-collaborator, someone to listen and reflect their ideas. She reminded us that we were created to be social beings. That is not a weakness. Our need for other people is a mark of the image of God in us. Even God Himself creates in the community of the Trinity. If we are His image-bearers, how much more do we, the created, need to approach creative work in a communal context!
It was healing for me to hear today that even the most brilliant creators in history did not create in a vacuum of isolation. It gives me hope that I can achieve something after all. It gives me the freedom to need people and to be honest with myself about that need. And maybe if I can be honest about my needs, I can slow the crippling bottling I do when I am hurting. And maybe I can find the motivation to reach out to people, who might need me just as much as I need them.
5.01.2009
celebrations
spring holds so many things to celebrate, and this year especially! boston has finally emerged from the cloak of death that is new england winter. trees are budding, robins are hopping along the freshly cut grass, and life is once again triumphant after all! i've put away the winter coat in exchange for the new, trendy spring jacket; i've broken out the flip-flops; and i am very much looking forward to working through the summer because it means that there will not be quite so many professors around asking me to clear copier queues. but in much more exciting news, this spring is just full of happiness:
- my nephew jesse's birthday is coming up soon, and he'll be taking his first trip to disney world. i'm so excited for him and for amy and jared as they get to witness his enthusiasm. i just love that kid!
- this spring brought another nephew into my life: josiah, who i got to meet last saturday, and who i absolutely adore. he is a beautiful baby, and i love him to pieces.
- megan's pregnancy is also going well, and she found out yesterday that her little banana baby is a girl!! i am so thrilled to have a niece in the works, and i promise to do my very best to spoil her rotten.
- with all these new nephews and niece, i have two sisters who get to celebrate their first mothers' day as mothers. the road to motherhood has been long and full of ups and downs for both of them, so i am so excited for them to actually get to enjoy this holiday for the first time in years.
- and speaking of birth and celebrations, jason's birthday is tomorrow!! so everyone, be sure to wish him a happy 25th birthday!
3.18.2009
the missing link
i've been a lot happier these days. i've been stretching my creativity muscles by trying out new recipes, making lots of artlets (a word i just made up meaning little art projects), and even dabbling a bit in music again. it's been so satisfying to make the time and space for making things. it's something i've been missing. when i'm putting my hands and my mind and my time to creative ventures, exploring new media, learning new skills...i don't know. there's something refreshing about it. i feel alive. i feel like the best version of myself. it's been lovely to discover that my world, though far from ideal, still holds pockets bursting with inspiration waiting to be made into something new.
i was at small group the other night, and we were asked to spend some time reflecting, writing down our distractions, and handing them over to God. i was distracted by a couple of youth group activities that i wanted moved around in order to make time for my new creative lifestyle. i told God that i was concerned because i've made time for making things, but i haven't cut anything else out of my life. i'm doing alright so far, but i don't want to get burnt out, so i know that i need to edit a few things out to make room for me to breathe. but i heard God say, "maybe living a fulfilling life isn't just about having the right formula of extra-curricular activities." alright, God...so what is it about? "it's about knowing Me." well, that's what i'm trying to do with all of this creativity. i'm tapping into Your image in me and embracing the identity you've given me as a little creator. [then God called me out:] "robin, it can't all be smoke and mirrors. you need genuine, explicit face time with Me."
and there is the missing link.
basically, my little revelation of having everything i need to live and create and thrive was not complete. although it has greatly improved my life and my disposition, it gave me no coping mechanism or broader perspective for my time spent at work. i tried to focus on what i had that was life-giving and wish away my hours at work until i could get home and create. my life was no longer a never-ending stretch of misery, but it was still disconnected, fragmented, incomplete.
with a little help from the book we're reading in small group (wisdom distilled from the daily by joan chittister), i've come to the realization that there are 5 kinds of activities that make up our days:
1) work- the things we do because we have to and probably wouldn't do if we didn't have to. going to work. tending to basic physical needs like preparing, eating, and cleaning up meals. cleaning our living space. etc. not to say some people don't enjoy these things, but for the most part, we do them mainly because we need to.
2) vegging- the activities we find ourselves doing when we don't have the energy to do anything else. tv, movies, video or computer games, facebook, etc. sure, some of these things do serve a purpose, but let's be honest. they're mostly just mind-numbing time fillers. we do them because we need to relax and zone out for a little while.
3) sleep- this gets a category of it's own because it takes up so much time, and it goes beyond vegging out or taking care of a physical need. if you don't do it, you're body eventually does it for you. trust me...i've tested that theory.
i pause here to state that for a while, that is basically what my life looked like. pretty bleak, huh? but never fear...here's a little hope!
4) play- chittister defines play as the activities we do that release and rejuvenate our energy. maybe for you, that's exercising or playing a sport (or maybe that feels more like work than play :o/). maybe it's walking, reading, writing, singing, dancing, being with friends. maybe it's drawing, painting, sewing, knitting, felting, building, sculpting, making! it's the things that you do because you enjoy them. they take some energy output, but they leave you feeling refreshed.
the recent addition of play in my life has worked wonders! if you're not playing, cut out some of that veg time, muster a little energy, and do something!
but here is that missing link:
5) reflection- call it what you want...reflection, contemplation, noticing...if you must, you can call it quiet time, though i'd prefer that you didn't. :) we need time with God when we can reflect on Who He is, our lives, the world around us. the activities here can differ from person to person as much as they do with play. reading the bible and prayer are the obvious answers. but those things can be done in a myriad of different ways. consider taking a prayer walk or read the bible using lectio divina. (For a full reference of a plethora of these sorts of things, check out this book.)
basically, here's the short version: i need more than what i need. i need to play because without play, life is just terrible, and i won't have the energy to do anything but work, sleep, and veg. play spans the gap between activity and leisure. kinda like this:
work-------reflection-------play-------vegging-------sleep
and it gives me the energy to put forth that extra effort in reflection, which may be the greatest need of all (and is probably the most neglected). i need connection, continuity, something to make life cohesive and give it meaning. i need space to let God breathe into my life and to notice what He's doing. and that's just not going to happen unless i'm proactive about it. i can't just say i'm waiting for God to show up and then spend all of my time noticing where He isn't and never giving Him the chance to show me where He is. and i'm not going to be proactive about making that space unless i have some energy. and i'm not getting enough energy from working and vegging and sleeping, so play has a pivotal role. but i can't stop there. i need reflection, too, or i'm doomed to continue in the disconnectedness that's been plaguing me for over two years.
so there's the epiphany of the week. work, veg, sleep, play, reflect: the five piece puzzle to a fulfilling life (tm). i'm thankful that God has been gentle with me, showing me that He loves me enough to protect my identity while still challenging me to love Him back. and it turns out that the big life lesson is time management, which has been my perpetual achilles heel. but maybe with the permission to play and the naming of the 5 needs, i can finally find some balance. here's hoping...and here's a little happiness that i actually mean that. :o)
i was at small group the other night, and we were asked to spend some time reflecting, writing down our distractions, and handing them over to God. i was distracted by a couple of youth group activities that i wanted moved around in order to make time for my new creative lifestyle. i told God that i was concerned because i've made time for making things, but i haven't cut anything else out of my life. i'm doing alright so far, but i don't want to get burnt out, so i know that i need to edit a few things out to make room for me to breathe. but i heard God say, "maybe living a fulfilling life isn't just about having the right formula of extra-curricular activities." alright, God...so what is it about? "it's about knowing Me." well, that's what i'm trying to do with all of this creativity. i'm tapping into Your image in me and embracing the identity you've given me as a little creator. [then God called me out:] "robin, it can't all be smoke and mirrors. you need genuine, explicit face time with Me."
and there is the missing link.
basically, my little revelation of having everything i need to live and create and thrive was not complete. although it has greatly improved my life and my disposition, it gave me no coping mechanism or broader perspective for my time spent at work. i tried to focus on what i had that was life-giving and wish away my hours at work until i could get home and create. my life was no longer a never-ending stretch of misery, but it was still disconnected, fragmented, incomplete.
with a little help from the book we're reading in small group (wisdom distilled from the daily by joan chittister), i've come to the realization that there are 5 kinds of activities that make up our days:
1) work- the things we do because we have to and probably wouldn't do if we didn't have to. going to work. tending to basic physical needs like preparing, eating, and cleaning up meals. cleaning our living space. etc. not to say some people don't enjoy these things, but for the most part, we do them mainly because we need to.
2) vegging- the activities we find ourselves doing when we don't have the energy to do anything else. tv, movies, video or computer games, facebook, etc. sure, some of these things do serve a purpose, but let's be honest. they're mostly just mind-numbing time fillers. we do them because we need to relax and zone out for a little while.
3) sleep- this gets a category of it's own because it takes up so much time, and it goes beyond vegging out or taking care of a physical need. if you don't do it, you're body eventually does it for you. trust me...i've tested that theory.
i pause here to state that for a while, that is basically what my life looked like. pretty bleak, huh? but never fear...here's a little hope!
4) play- chittister defines play as the activities we do that release and rejuvenate our energy. maybe for you, that's exercising or playing a sport (or maybe that feels more like work than play :o/). maybe it's walking, reading, writing, singing, dancing, being with friends. maybe it's drawing, painting, sewing, knitting, felting, building, sculpting, making! it's the things that you do because you enjoy them. they take some energy output, but they leave you feeling refreshed.
the recent addition of play in my life has worked wonders! if you're not playing, cut out some of that veg time, muster a little energy, and do something!
but here is that missing link:
5) reflection- call it what you want...reflection, contemplation, noticing...if you must, you can call it quiet time, though i'd prefer that you didn't. :) we need time with God when we can reflect on Who He is, our lives, the world around us. the activities here can differ from person to person as much as they do with play. reading the bible and prayer are the obvious answers. but those things can be done in a myriad of different ways. consider taking a prayer walk or read the bible using lectio divina. (For a full reference of a plethora of these sorts of things, check out this book.)
basically, here's the short version: i need more than what i need. i need to play because without play, life is just terrible, and i won't have the energy to do anything but work, sleep, and veg. play spans the gap between activity and leisure. kinda like this:
work-------reflection-------play-------vegging-------sleep
and it gives me the energy to put forth that extra effort in reflection, which may be the greatest need of all (and is probably the most neglected). i need connection, continuity, something to make life cohesive and give it meaning. i need space to let God breathe into my life and to notice what He's doing. and that's just not going to happen unless i'm proactive about it. i can't just say i'm waiting for God to show up and then spend all of my time noticing where He isn't and never giving Him the chance to show me where He is. and i'm not going to be proactive about making that space unless i have some energy. and i'm not getting enough energy from working and vegging and sleeping, so play has a pivotal role. but i can't stop there. i need reflection, too, or i'm doomed to continue in the disconnectedness that's been plaguing me for over two years.
so there's the epiphany of the week. work, veg, sleep, play, reflect: the five piece puzzle to a fulfilling life (tm). i'm thankful that God has been gentle with me, showing me that He loves me enough to protect my identity while still challenging me to love Him back. and it turns out that the big life lesson is time management, which has been my perpetual achilles heel. but maybe with the permission to play and the naming of the 5 needs, i can finally find some balance. here's hoping...and here's a little happiness that i actually mean that. :o)
3.05.2009
a new space...
my last blog entry has sparked a new creative venture for me. i have committed to making at least one thing, start to finish, every week. in an attempt to log these pursuits, i've started a new blog called "The Weekly Make." i'll still keep this blog here for all of my existential ponderings and epiphanies. but i'll use "the weekly make" to chronicle all things creative, complete with pictures and all. there's not much there at the moment, but keep checking back. i'm planning on jumpstarting it this weekend with my last 3 weeks of creative pursuits. enjoy!!
2.25.2009
everything i need
where do i even begin? it's been coming at me from all angles lately, and i'm trying to fight the battle between the necessity to do work right now and the compulsion to share every detail of my past 2 weeks, which included a second honeymoon to disney world (best week of my entire life ever ever...too much goodness) and more than a few insights. i guess i'll start with the major insight and see how far i get before the guilt of not doing work builds up too much to ignore.
before i left for disney world, i had this "aha" moment. what i want more than anything else is to be creative, and that is how the image of God is reflected in me. i want to be a little creator, and i think God is pleased with that. i think that's who He created me to be. He put in me His desire to see raw materials (whether its fabric and thread or words and notes or paper and colors) brought together to make something beautiful, some representation of life and truth.
as i was thinking about that, He said, "you have everything you need right now to live." (i knew He meant that i have all of the raw materials that i need to be creative and to thrive in my current context.) i was a little startled by that revelation because i've been thinking the opposite for so long. "i don't have the space." "i don't have the time." "i don't have the creative community." "i don't have the inspiration." "i don't have the creative energy." so hearing that He has given me everything that i need, i realized that (here is the "aha") conditions will never be ideal. right now, it's a job that bores and annoys me and a lack of people to create with. in a few years, it will be that i'm too busy with kids or i feel guilty spending money on materials because jason and i are being supported by the church. but in my life right now, i have a craft space. i have a job that gets me home by 5:00. and i have a bunch of stuff lying around that's waiting to be put together. and i think that God wants to use this time in my life to start to develop the discipline i've always lacked when i'm without a clear deadline. i think He wants me to stop making excuses and to learn to see and cultivate inspiration, even when everything seems dark. so i've decided to create something start to finish every week, whether it's a song or a sewing project or something special to eat. it's a very small goal, but i figure...baby steps. i need to start to cultivate a habit of creativity that hopefully will someday lead to a lifestyle of creativity. and there's the hope i've been so desperate for over the past year and a half. i now have some sort of purpose, a goal, a way to see this time in my life as more than a waste or a beating. i'm not stuck. i have everything i need to live.
and with that little spark dimly but relentlessly gleaming, i need to get back to the paperwork that piled up while jason and i were living it up in the happiest place on earth. anybody else want to move to florida and work at disney world with me??
before i left for disney world, i had this "aha" moment. what i want more than anything else is to be creative, and that is how the image of God is reflected in me. i want to be a little creator, and i think God is pleased with that. i think that's who He created me to be. He put in me His desire to see raw materials (whether its fabric and thread or words and notes or paper and colors) brought together to make something beautiful, some representation of life and truth.
as i was thinking about that, He said, "you have everything you need right now to live." (i knew He meant that i have all of the raw materials that i need to be creative and to thrive in my current context.) i was a little startled by that revelation because i've been thinking the opposite for so long. "i don't have the space." "i don't have the time." "i don't have the creative community." "i don't have the inspiration." "i don't have the creative energy." so hearing that He has given me everything that i need, i realized that (here is the "aha") conditions will never be ideal. right now, it's a job that bores and annoys me and a lack of people to create with. in a few years, it will be that i'm too busy with kids or i feel guilty spending money on materials because jason and i are being supported by the church. but in my life right now, i have a craft space. i have a job that gets me home by 5:00. and i have a bunch of stuff lying around that's waiting to be put together. and i think that God wants to use this time in my life to start to develop the discipline i've always lacked when i'm without a clear deadline. i think He wants me to stop making excuses and to learn to see and cultivate inspiration, even when everything seems dark. so i've decided to create something start to finish every week, whether it's a song or a sewing project or something special to eat. it's a very small goal, but i figure...baby steps. i need to start to cultivate a habit of creativity that hopefully will someday lead to a lifestyle of creativity. and there's the hope i've been so desperate for over the past year and a half. i now have some sort of purpose, a goal, a way to see this time in my life as more than a waste or a beating. i'm not stuck. i have everything i need to live.
and with that little spark dimly but relentlessly gleaming, i need to get back to the paperwork that piled up while jason and i were living it up in the happiest place on earth. anybody else want to move to florida and work at disney world with me??
2.04.2009
secrets, sovereignty, and a sorry attempt at good news
i've written and saved and not posted quite a few entries over the past three months. so i've been more secretive than silent. and i suppose that's good. i've been struggling with the balance of wanting to be honest and not wanting to be depressing. i guess i'll break the secret here.
i've had a very difficult time coming back from Christmas vacation. to be very broad and theological, i'm struggling with questions of God's sovereignty, not whether or not He is in control, but more so the hidden motives behind His control, when to wait on Him and when to take ownership of my life and do something, those sorts of things. because if i believe in "God's economy," if i believe He doesn't waste anything, then i have to believe that this season in my life has a purpose, that it's preparing me for something. and if that's the case, then the inescapable conclusion is that i am purposed to be a human sacrifice, slowly burning out for the needs of the people around me and for God, with all of this untapped potential in me for the sole purpose of having something to give up for God. now the last i heard, God was not in the business of making extraordinary people mediocre. i had always thought that He was about doing things the other way around. and i'm trying very hard to believe that...even now, even in this dark and constricting place. but it's easier to believe what i see and experience and feel than to hope. because if the hope disappoints, i will break. and the damage will be irreparable.
so unfortunately, i don't have sunshine and daisies for you today. i write only to inform the general blogosphere that i'm still alive. some days it feels more like hanging on by threads than actually living, but my heart is still beating. my lungs are still somewhat functional. i've got brain waves and a pulse and all of those other vital signs. and in the end, i suppose that's good news.
i've had a very difficult time coming back from Christmas vacation. to be very broad and theological, i'm struggling with questions of God's sovereignty, not whether or not He is in control, but more so the hidden motives behind His control, when to wait on Him and when to take ownership of my life and do something, those sorts of things. because if i believe in "God's economy," if i believe He doesn't waste anything, then i have to believe that this season in my life has a purpose, that it's preparing me for something. and if that's the case, then the inescapable conclusion is that i am purposed to be a human sacrifice, slowly burning out for the needs of the people around me and for God, with all of this untapped potential in me for the sole purpose of having something to give up for God. now the last i heard, God was not in the business of making extraordinary people mediocre. i had always thought that He was about doing things the other way around. and i'm trying very hard to believe that...even now, even in this dark and constricting place. but it's easier to believe what i see and experience and feel than to hope. because if the hope disappoints, i will break. and the damage will be irreparable.
so unfortunately, i don't have sunshine and daisies for you today. i write only to inform the general blogosphere that i'm still alive. some days it feels more like hanging on by threads than actually living, but my heart is still beating. my lungs are still somewhat functional. i've got brain waves and a pulse and all of those other vital signs. and in the end, i suppose that's good news.
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